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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you do?

36 replies

Twizzlelolly · 05/11/2024 04:17

Looking for some wise Mumsnet advice.

Been with partner 8 years. Have 2 children together. Living in his house. He doesn’t want to get married.

Been fortunate enough to be at home with the kids (working 1.5 days). Now youngest is at school, he wants me to go back to work full time and for my money to pay for a cleaner and other luxuries. He is in a very well paid job. I’m happy to increase my hours.

I feel as though he has protected himself and his money. How can I protect myself? I feel vulnerable.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Rollonsummerplease · 05/11/2024 05:35

It just seems a very unequal relationship OP.
It's not even that he doesn't seem to value or care about you it's that you don't seem to value you yourself or see yourself as worthy of being valued and cared about.

His attitude to you seems really cynical and devoid of love. It's seem your only use to him was to provide him with children.

Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 05/11/2024 05:20

Workiskilligme · 05/11/2024 05:12

As far as I know everything is to go to the children and probably his mum which I’m fine with

Why, why, why are you fine with this??

Because I’m not with him for the money. I’m happy for it to go to the kids. It’s money he made before he met me so I don’t feel entitled to any of it. But, I would like some security and commitment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 05/11/2024 05:13

When I work more hours I don’t think he is going to let me save.

He wants his mum to look after the kids.

OP posts:
Workiskilligme · 05/11/2024 05:12

As far as I know everything is to go to the children and probably his mum which I’m fine with

Why, why, why are you fine with this??

Workiskilligme · 05/11/2024 05:11

Very frightening. Get back to work full time and save every penny, do not fritter on cleaner etc. You need to buy a property even if for rental. You either need to get married or get on the deeds I think. I could not be with someone who thought so little of me. It's really shocking. What does he think of you having zero security??

Original poster
Twizzlelolly · 05/11/2024 05:08

Thank you all for your replies

We did have joint account, but he didn’t pay any money into it. He then agreed that he was only going to pay a set amount in each month for me to access. So, I decided it was best just to keep our separate accounts.

As far as I know everything is to go to the children and probably his mum which I’m fine with.

He saw his mum and dad divorce and many of his friends so he says that he is against marriage and doesn’t see it as a commitment.

He owns a few properties, so is protecting himself I guess which I can understand to a certain extent. But, it doesn’t make me feel very protected so guess I got to look out for myself.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/11/2024 04:59

You need a Time Machine to protect yourself.

As it stands he's made smart but controlling decisions and you've made not smart and passive ones. Go back to work but save very hard. Put everything you can in savings and pension. Otherwise you will be poor and homeless whenever he decides.

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 05/11/2024 04:34

He sounds controlling, isn't it up to you if you want to go back to full time work? I could understand if you were struggling for money but just to pay for a cleaner etc is something you both need to be on the same page about. Not him dictating.
As for the marriage, you have two children together so there needs to be some commitment, has he put you in his will? Why is he so against marriage?

If he decided the relationship was over you will be out on your arse.
Sorry but I would be leaving if he didn't get his shit together.

GildedRage · 05/11/2024 04:33

I would also suggest professional help, maybe a financial planner. Certainly build up your pension, does he plan to include you in his will with regards to the property what about his pension? Although he can change those at any time.

notatinydancer · 05/11/2024 04:31

Have you suggested a joint account ?
How will wrap around care be paid ?
What protection is he giving you and his children in the event of a split ?
What does his will say ?

He needs to answer that question or I'd be gone.

FromCuddleLand · 05/11/2024 04:28

I would seek advice from Women's Aid because I am financially vulnerable and being financially abused.