DH complaining about look after kids

I wholeheartedly agree that the days of dads being distant should be long gone, but if a couple choose to organise their family lives along traditional models which put dad in charge of the breadwinning and mum in charge of house/kids, then it's hardly surprising if people then expect that division of labour to be respected.

For me, the ideal is that both parents share responsibility for earning/childcare/housework between them. But if I was going to take on 100% of the financial responsibility and my DH was going to be a SAHP to school aged children, then I would absolutely expect him to pick up 100% of domestic and childcare responsibilities. If he wasn't willing to do that, then I would propose a fairer division of labour instead. That isn't about dads being distant, it's about fairness and one person not taking the piss.

@Comedycook you know that both parents need to share the holiday childcare right?

If I was a sahm to school age kids, I would consider my 8 hours a day working time, to be ish 7am-9am, 2 hours at some point in the day hw/admin/errands , and 4pm - 8pm.

You are essentially asking him to cover your working hours 2 evenings a week.

You know that isn't fair.

If you really want to do these specific classes, and understand they are a luxury given you have a fairly leisurely life already, then you need to compromise...

1. Part time work during school hours to contribute some finances
2. 💯 of the housework during the week plus 50/50 at weekends

As it stands you are taking the piss massively and I think posters who responded in agreement with you, missed that your dc are school age.

Yes, I have. I got a part-time office job that fits perfectly around school hours and has a very generous annual leave allowance. Whilst I don't get 13 weeks annual leave to cover all holidays, we managed just fine . We used holiday clubs, alternated when we took leave and had family holidays together. It's never been a problem, and we don't have family nearby either.

Perhaps she just wanted people to call her husband a pathetic clown. If so, she got her wish.

Have you ever looked for a job which fits around school hours including commuting time and that also fits in around the 14 weeks school holidays per year?

I'd ask why one parent gets to be no part of family life, or a proper partner. I'm nearly 60, I thought the days of dads being distant was gone. It's shame that it's being reinforced by so many women.

Yes.
Maybe the OP's husband would rather work overtime at night than spend time with his kids. It also may be he doesn’t like the idea of his wife having a separate identity other than wife/mother/his housekeeper.

OP - is there a reason you can't get a job for a few hours each day? You'd be contributing money to the household too.

I would feel negatively about myself if I was sitting watching daytime TV, knowing I could work without disrupting the routine. I think my self-esteem would be very low.

The OP @Mellowblue is notable by her absence.

Single parents don’t usually have the luxury of being a sahm while someone else worries about finances.

have to say o/p, if your children are all in school I see his point a little, especially if he’s working, putting kids to bed, then logging back on. Where’s his downtime? He probably feels he is working or looking after the kids, with no break, while you are getting a good chunk of time on top of not having to work outside the home.

your family are reliant on him financially. There are times he may need to prioritise his work- that’s the arrangement with a sahp.

MN gets bogged down with that point, but if that's agreed in advance, then it doesn't come into it. Some people's income would just about cover childcare and then a cleaner (because I doubt the DH will suddenly have the time to do half, as well as having to be involved in school life, sickness cover, organising everything else etc). I'd ask why one parent gets to be no part of family life, or a proper partner. I'm nearly 60, I thought the days of dads being distant was gone. It's shame that it's being reinforced by so many women.

Had OP left the building? I'm curious if she has taken into account the majorority of posters saying she's unreasonable.

If he’s already at stage of saying you are taking piss it’s probably not far off him saying I’ve had enough. You need to have a frank conversation.
There was a mum at dc’s primary whose husband wanted her to work (all the other mums worked) - he was self employed wfh and was involved so it wasn’t as though she needed to do all childcare and she kept doing the I’ll look when dc is in yr1, I’ll look after summer hols. It caused a lot of resentment.

Op, you're not unreasonable to want to do a few evening classes with friends. You shouldn't be locked in your house just because you've signed up to being a SAHM.

Is his unhappiness about the fact he doesn't have time to do his work and look after the kids or is it about you being out of the house?

I was going to say it's fine so long as he also gets two nights a week off, but then I saw that all your children are in school and he still has work to do in the evening. I work 3 days a week an still manage to do most the housework and get downtime/see my friends in the other two days. I do go out roughly a couple of evenings a month to catch up with friends who work full time, but twice a week seems excessive.

Your DH sounds reasonable and like he does his fair share, he needs some time to unwind too - does he get that at all? I can see this feom both sides bit I think you need to listen your husband as this isn't working for him

Your DH sounds reasonable and like he does his fair share, he needs some time to unwind too - does he get that at all? I can see this feom both sides bit I think you need to listen your husband as this isn't working for him

She isn’t a SAHM. All the children are at school full-time.

OP, I wonder if your friends are only free in the evenings, whether they are working and maybe could suggest some working environments that might suit you? Basically, why not work together? When I had young children I got a job with another 'mum friend' in her office and we had a blast (and it really grew both our careers). Just a thought!

I was with you til you mentioned your DH also works in the evening - so he works long hours. Is that every day?

It is frustrating if that's when your friends are free, but if your DH is genuinely working every/most evenings and he's usually very hands on (you say), I think I'd compromise to one evening a week for now. You really do have tons of free time in the daytime and can do something for yourself then, even if it's not exactly what you'd like.

I don't think there's any one way of doing this but your DH, who is generally reasonable, is saying he's unhappy, so I would compromise.

Come on OP, turn off This Morning and come back to the thread! 🙏🏻

It has for me and I’m not even married to the woman 🤣

I can't imagine suggesting this to my husband in your situation - unless of course he has two nights a week / 5 hours a week to go out with his friends. In which case it seems fair enough (though I think he shouldn't be doing housework on the weekends at all - you should be keeping up with it during the week)

DH and I both work full time and have 2 kids. Between them they're in clubs most nights but we try to prioritise us each having a night off each month (we don't have babysitters so never go out at the same time) - and that doesn't always happen. Not saying this is great, but twice a week seems like a lot given your compared schedules. Clearly he's prioritised being a high earner with a high stress role (if he's working 12 hours days regularly) to support the entire family and there has to be some balance somewhere.

Agree you should get a job so you can be around adults more during the day.