To be angry that I was left a single parent

It’s awful , my ex had an affair when dd1 was 3 months old , he didn’t like being a dad , then he got ow pregnant! He hasn’t seen dd1 for 20 years. I also genuinely feel that he doesn’t feel he has missed out . Dd2 has been raised by my partner.but I do feel huge anger towards my ex.

Actually I disagree. Two friends who are now divorced but similar situations. We all saw it coming, yet both of them chose to ignore the signs and flags. They both act shocked as if it came out of the blue but We all saw it. There would have been some signs, selfishness, unwilling to compromise, useless with helping around the house, wanting to do things on their own terms, etc.
You don't go from being a good, kind, decent human being to walking out on your children. You just don't. There would have been some signs.

If that was true all men would be getting vasectomies. They want to make the kid but not raise the kid.

I'd be angry if I were you.

I wasn't fussed on kids but knew my husband wanted them. I find looking after 2 toddlers incredibly stressful at times but I adore them and there's no way I could leave them if I wanted to. It shocks me that parents can walk away from little people they created who need them -- and just leave someone else to deal with and often pay for them.

@BabyMama889 Until I had a child of my own, I hadn't really understood how a woman just can't leave. I would never ever leave my baby, he will always be my baby and I would do anything for him. DH absolutely loves our DS but he's a lot more detached and he knows he can trust me to care for the baby. I think this is where biology plays a cruel trick on us and men take advantage

Not necessarily. I know three couples where the woman just walked. Two were mature couples, both in 30’s, desperately wanted children, and one even had assistance. The first had twins and walked out when they were around 1yo, didn’t want any contact. The second left left when the kids were young primary school age, meant to have them every second weekend and half of school holidays but more like once a month and every second school hols they are ‘busy’ other times they are meant to have them. The third couple was just a train wreck from the beginning, think 30yo man having a child with a 17yo, then another when she was 19yo. At 20yo she waved a big goodbye to him and the kids and went off to party, no contact.

In the first two cases, children were planned and wanted but the women determined it was shit, not how they had envisaged and they wanted to step out accordingly. I think this is exactly the case for most men that do it. Not as common for women as men but there are definitely women that do also.

We have to step up to the plate while men can walk away if they feel like it. Good for you and hang in there. I made it to the other side, and better for it, I have my dignity and my kids can never say I walked away from them.

I'm really sorry to hear this and agree it's very disappointing when your partner is not who you expected. Some men like idea of a child but change their tune once they see what the reality is like. On the other I have a brother who was a bit of a party animal in his youth the type you'd expect that would never settle down. He is a full time single parent to 4 children and is absolutely brilliant and completely devoted to them. The good ones arnt always what you expect.

OP, being angry with him is completely reasonable. Still being angry after two years is, because the only person you are hurting is yourself.

I also had a child with a man who turned out to be a selfish arse. I've raised DS alone since he was two.

Unfortunately we've discovered that 50% of men are lazy, selfish, irresponsible and dishonest, but on the bright side, there are many good aspects to our situation.

I have the joy of DS most of the time
Our relationship is very close
I can take decisions quickly
Without constantly negotiation or compromise
I can raise my lovely son without a lazy selfish arse as a role model
Life is much much easier without a man-baby in tow

You don't say how old your dcs are, but it gets easier quickly as they become more independent. Hang in there and don't let him make you bitter. xx

I know this doesn’t help but try not to feel sad for what you could have had, try to appreciate that he’s the unlucky idiot that doesn’t get to know the amazingness of having the kids x Going through a possible breakup at the moment and I applaud you for just putting one foot in front of the other because there’s days I can’t even breathe. I hope things get insanely easier for you xxxx

Most men don't really want kids and just wouldn't have them if women didn't want them. So not sure you can call it a raw deal, it's just the chance you take if you want kids. Surely it's better than the alternative and men just saying a flat out "no" to having kids in droves? At the end of the day you got the kids you wanted.

It's shit OP and women definitely get the raw deal. It's ok to feel sad about the life you thought you'd have. It's also ok to feel angry about how stacked the game is.

But. In time the life you build for yourself will be the life you have. And the lives you build for your children will be the lives they have. And yes it will be different than it might have been, but it's always different than it might have been, whether there's a man around or not. What you end up with, comes from you doing your best. Maybe getting things wrong, maybe hitting the post a few times, but doing the best you can and there is satisfaction in that, if you allow it.

Apart from porn addiction in men and unreasonable sexual demands, there are a LOT of young women who know that there's a chance they will be dumped to be single parents - and a lot of them are saying no to motherhood because of that.

I am sure it's very, very hard, OP.
But conversely, alternatives are also heartbreaking too. From the ages of 3 and 6 the family courts ruled my coercively controlling ex-husband had every right to 50/50 shared custody.
To go from main carer to being completely on your own for 7 days at a time every other week is unbelievably painful.
I've only ever been "half" a mum.

@BabyMama889 I feel women in general are massively disadvantaged by our inability to say no to things regarding our kids , where fathers seem to do it with ease.

There are times I wish I could have been more hard faced / slightly detached if that's the correct word. tbh.

I hope you're going via the CMS to ensure he pays what he owes. This helps slightly with feelings of resentment. He has a financial obligation here.

I think it gets so much better with time and as the kids get a bit older. I got to a point I didn't ever want a man in our home again. And it wasn't about feeling bitter or jaded.

Until I had a child of my own, I hadn't really understood how a woman just can't leave. I would never ever leave my baby, he will always be my baby and I would do anything for him. DH absolutely loves our DS but he's a lot more detached and he knows he can trust me to care for the baby. I think this is where biology plays a cruel trick on us and men take advantage.

Life is incredibly cruel and unpredictable, there are very few who go through life with a perfect, healthy, drama free family. Most people deal with marriage issues, ill health and financial stress at some point in their lives. You’ve had a shit time the last few years but that doesn’t mean the next few will be the same.

I agree with this.

I find it quite irritating and patronising on here when people say you should somehow have chosen better, like they apparently did. It’s luck!

Ok sometimes there are red flags that anyone could spot and sometimes there might be reliable good signs but you never really know. You certainly can’t know you’ve got a good one, although I admit that it’s sometimes possible - but by no means always - to spot a bad one.

I thought my exh would be a terrific dad as he was a really great uncle. Seemed to love kids and couldn’t do too much for them. Very critical of the older generation of more “traditional” hands- off dads.

I was completely and utterly wrong.

Ideally women shouldn't need to wait for the right man to come along and have children with. It's all such a gamble anyway when you see how unreliable many men are. I think we need to reframe our expectations as women and have children when it's right for us financially and career wise and when we have a support network around us. I have friends who are going down the route of dojor sperm - not relying on one potentially fickle partner to lean on who could disappear wihtout looking back. The social pressure (on women) cannot be underestimated though. It's hard as many women won't be in a position to do it alone. Until women reach financial parity with men we'll always be at a disadvantage and be the ones left holding the babies.

I understand how you feel, I felt the same many years ago, thought I had the best husband ever - how wrong I was. He said he wanted children as much as I did but found it so,so easy to walk away.
Even now I have a truly amazing husband and great step children who all get on well together but I still envy family’s who have both birth parents, we try not to say “your son/daughter” but it’s not the same.
Trouble is life rarely goes to plan and we need to make the best of it, staying bitter won’t hurt him, only you and your children.

The father of my DC 'does his duty' but he does the bare minimum for them and in the past, not even that. He was another one that when talking about children and potential of fertility issues was absolutely not concerned if he had them or not. He could not see what the children needed emotionally and barely physically and has constantly shown that he will 'look after them' as long as they don't impact too much on his life. This is not the person I thought he was, but it was literally like flicking a switch, that as soon as he was no longer the central being in my world, he disassociated from me and them. It's like he acts at being a dad, but he doesn't actually feel anything. Sad really.

I think 2 years on, is still early days in the grand scheme of things, so be gentle with yourself.
You’re right that you get to see your dc firsts and special moments, and he is missing out.
I hope you have support of family and friends,. Your dc will appreciate and know it’s been you raising them and loving them everyday.

Mine did this too. I also did everything "right" in terms of length of relationship etc. I actually don't think they lie as such. I think they convince themselves that this is what they want and they bimble along happily enough until something or someone else comes along and then it's all the self justifying crap about not being happy for ages.
I massively resent my exes freedom to come and go, seek promotion, just not have to deal with the day to day ups and downs, the serious shit really hitting the fan stuff. He's remarried the ow, I do have a relationship but it won't be a cohabitation until my kids are grown. They only see him when it suits. They fit in with his life, not the other way round. They are now getting to an age where they can see it and I know I "win" in the long run but it's still hard.

I know I get it. 15 years in!! The time passes so quickly though and they get more independent. Just try to enjoy them as much as you can as before you know it you’ll be missing it. It sounds like you have a lot of freedom with the children and he isn’t around much. Pros and cons of that.

it takes a while to get used to but there are good things. I’d by lying if I didn’t say I sometimes envy two parent families, but DS and I are so close and have some great times. Chin up!!!

exactly, not a life i would have chosen for myself so hearing people say well you wouldn’t have the kids if it wasn’t for him like he’s some kind of hero 🤦🏻‍♀️