To be angry that I was left a single parent

I don’t think that’s the case necessarily @CCreasty and even if it is I think it’s more that men would be happy either way but love the children when they arrive - for as long as they maintain the relationship with their mother. That is the key.

This is my experience too. The women’s ambition for motherhood is the driver, the men are ambivalent. I’m not saying it’s right, but the reality is an uninvested man will always be a risk.

I found myself a solo parent in different circumstances. We did everything right to be the family unit we both dreamed of, then my husband died.

I try not to be, but I’m incredibly bitter at the parenting experience I lost. That’s a whole other dose of grief which you are experiencing, and grief makes you angry. All you can do is try to channel the anger into something worthwhile. One day your kids will know what you give to them, and you have that bond for life.

I hear you and everyone else on this thread OP, and I wonder what the natural conclusion will be for our daughters and their daughters. Women on the whole are so reliable, bloody resourceful and capable, and yet we continue to be seen as ‘less than’ men.

My DH is a decent one and I’ve been comparatively lucky in that sense (although I don’t like saying that because he is only doing what most of us women do!). Having seen how so many men behave though, I’m not sure I would make the same choices if I had my time again - it’s just so risky for women. It’s only going to get worse as so many boys are modelled poor behaviour by their own absent fathers.

So back to my first paragraph and pondering the long term effects of these patterns - will women wait and go it alone with child-bearing from the outset using donor sperm at a time and position in our lives that suits us? What will that mean for the birth rate and our own positions in the workforce etc? Or will we just stop getting married and having children at all?

I wonder about this fairly often. At what point will the government feel the need to step in and incentivise us to procreate, and start rescinding our rights to contraceptives etc? The ageing population is already a problem and we need more babies to pay for our social care and pension costs.

I feel that as women we’re snookered at every turn and it’s both infuriating and terrifying.

You must have led a very sheltered life if you're 'shocked' by this. It happens every day. In my case my ex cut off contact with my daughter and neither saw her or paid any maintenance. Fortunately my second husband is a wonderful man who brought her up as his own, gave her away at her wedding, etc.

Strong women are excellent at just getting on with bringing up their wonderful children. My best piece of advice is to try not to be bitter. I hope that you are one of the fortunate ones who never has to experience this devastation.

This is what I keep asking DH. We have fertility issues so we have had far more time to think about it than most couples. He seems really keen to be a dad; but at the same time says it's down to me and he would be happy with or without (but I can't tell if he is just saying that so I don't feel bad if the fertility treatments don't work out). We are in early 30s though so I think he probably is more optimistic about the fertility treatment than I am (or that i would get pregnant naturally at some stage). I am not sure we should go through so much medical intervention if he isn't keen or just let medical treatment take its course.

Married 9 years and we never really used artificial contraception.

Totally with you on this OP. Me and my ex-DH tried for a family for years, we had been married for 7 years by the time they were born. I thought I knew him inside out (warts and all!) but how he behaved and could walk out on his very young family, still shocks me.

Now he sees them EOW, no contact in between. He has no idea what's going on with their education, health, progression etc... but somehow thinks he's Dad of the year because he has a fun couple of days with them once a fortnight. Usually I am so burnt out by the time his contact comes that I don't get any real quality time to myself before they're home again.

It's almost accepted that men can get away with doing the bare minimum post split, and any man (rare in my opinion!) who actually does 50/50 is celebrated like a hero...

If a woman were to behave the same as a man in this scenario, it would be viewed entirely differently ("How can she abandon her children??!" "What sort of mother is she?!")

Men often only show their true colours during pregnancy / after childbirth. It’s so unfair that the government doesn’t have the will to force them to step up to truly provide 50/50 financial support for their kids. CMS is a joke

YANBU to be angry.

My best friend got arrested for harassment for trying to drop her children off to her ex partner because he drove away and she had no clue what was going on so followed him in her car with children. (Police no further actioned this! But wtf?!) He obviously never seen his kids again because he simply wasn't arsed but he's telling anyone who will listen she's a crazy ex who withholds his kids 🙄

My other friend has an abusive ex who fought for 50/50 for over a year and the day before court he changed his mind because he said he couldn't handle his youngest. A whole year of abuse from him and the day before court he says no.

I've got many, many, more things I could say on this matter but I won't because it just pisses me off.

I understand why you're angry though OP 💐

You'd like to believe that obviously, stupid women should have picked better. I was married for over a decade before my XH got violent and I was in complete and utter shock at what he was capable of. People like to believe we knew because then they don't have to consider the fact that you can know someone for decades and never really know them.

My XH always really wanted kids, was the first one to want to start TTC, still isn't a good dad.

It's really unfair that some parents, mostly men, get to walk away from their responsibilities to the children they helped create. My youngest was injured recently and supposed to be on complete rest, specialist said he could go with XH for the weekend away as long as he did nothing else, sit in car, watch screens, boardgames, books that was it. I thought even my abusive XH would do the right thing in this situation, I over estimated his ability to parent, he put our kid at risk because he didn't want to either spend one weekend quietly nor leave DS with me. I didnt sign up to do this alone, with 3 kids with SEN to boot, but I am. Given the way he is though, disney dad is actually the best option for our kids, even if it isn't the best option for my mental and psychical health.

I find it quite irritating and patronising on here when people say you should somehow have chosen better, like they apparently did. It’s luck!

As I was reading through, this is exactly what came to my mind. There is a big attitude on here that you should have seen the type of father your partner would be before kids. It’s an impossible gamble, and even many those who think they have a ‘good one’ are excusing a lot of poor behaviour of their own husbands.

Studies show men do want children and are more likely to push for it these days. Of course, they want the idea of children - often bore out of their own upbringing of seeing mum doing the bulk of the rearing. The modern reality expects full involvement in every aspect, that’s where many men decide to opt out (despite the children already being here).

Very very true

It's interesting how many men behave now the social stigma of leaving is gone. Same with the dating scene - look at the way so many of them behave now. Woman have become commodities more than ever.

In comparison, I don't think (again in massively general terms), women's behaviour has changed that much. It's no help to this generation of women, but in future women are going to have to change too - never becoming financially dependant on s man and keeping a healthy dose of awareness that this guy could turn the moment he gets bored.

Yes. It’s why most religions created marriage. It’s better for the children and better for society. Just doesn’t work very well!

YANBU at all. I often think it was only social pressure and shame and women’s inability to be financially independent that kept so many people together before modern times.

The welfare state has enabled men to walk away and contributes to some women having children without due diligence. Always aim to get married and wait two years for a new relationship to develop before tying yourself to a man. Even with those commitments the odds aren’t great but are certainly better.

Men are going to behave as men have always behaved. You can comfort yourself that they often get to retirement then want a loving family to support them. So many men get to their 50s then suddenly decide there’s something lacking in their lives!

Glad to see young women are wising up.

About 6 weeks ago my husband decided that family life wasn't for him.
Obviously it's REALLY early days (we're still living together) but I can not get over how selfish he's been. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I picked him as parent for my kids. And angry that I am going to have to parent with him forever (he says he doesn't want to be like his dad, who wasn't very present for the child he had before stbxh) but honestly I don't think he'll bother long term. He's already made it fairly clear he only wants them to reduce his child maintenance payments...

At the moment I'm really trying to focus on the positives of either outcome. If he does have some consistent contact then I'll get some consistent time to myself which I certainly haven't had before. If he doesn't then I won't have to share Xmas, weekends, birthdays etc.
Obviously, there's downsides to both outcomes, too, but there are also upsides.

I completely agree but many many men simply don't want it. They go as far as to threaten or even go to court, get awarded it and then fail to show up..either actually show up or metaphorically. I know one case where technically the kids spend 50% of nights at their dads but he drops them at the mums for school run time, does no dentist / haircut / party present buying / school admin. And pays no maintenance.

They can be out of the relationship sure, but not out of parenting. Except they can and do.

Excellent point @RhaenysRocks

Then the law should default to 50/50 so no money needs to change hands, both parents have equal care and decision making with children and there is no case of 'it has to be done my way'

This is my experience
I haven't seen my dad for 35 years
His choice
But he regularly sees his step daughter from his second marriage.
Never could understand what I did wrong for him to cut me dead as a teenager
Other than his new wife hated me had a daughter herself.

XH left me with a 2 year old and 5 month old "as it wasn't the life he wanted." I had a lot of resentment. I was a SAHM, and suddenly had to find a job or lose our home. He did pay maintenance (and how bloody often was I told by friends and family how lucky I was to get it!) but it didn't even cover childcare costs never mind living expenses for the children. He had EOW access but probably did once a month and always came back early. I believe my resentment was justified.

He is basically a good guy. Once I got over the original bitterness and hatredI quite like him. Everyone does. He was just a crap parent with responsibility issues.

However, looking back now DCs are adults, we did have a good life which I wouldn't have changed. We had the "fun house" for my DCs friends. Lots of sleepovers, indoor picnics, days out. No one else to consult. I was never let down on a night out because "Sorry, can't make it. DH has to work/football/golf/gym" as I knew I always had to arrange babysitters. I have a phenomenal career that I probably wouldn't have pursued if I'd stayed married.It doesn't have to be miserable...

Having said all that, I still believe being a single parent is bloody hard work and people without that experience don't get it. I don't know any female single parents that "did well" out of a divorce. The loneliness, the financial pressures, waking up to the responsibility that it's all on you. Yet the father can swan into the sunset and pick up on his care free life...

They can be out of the relationship sure, but not out of parenting. Except they can and do.

Nope, not true. I know several, including mine who were perfectly decent men and people generally, pulled their weight, worked as a team, even including all the parenting stuff until suddenly, poof! Gone. Usually another woman. Mine told me that it was partly because she needed him more..he could be her knight in armour whereas I was always a bit more capable than him. Thing is, I could understand it if they broke up the marriage for someone else but stayed close by and were involved heavily with their kids still, but so many don't. Mine moved away and sees them rarely.
To those who say "at least you've got them" I actually would bloody love 50/50 but it was never suggested. He just assumed he could piss off and leave it all to me and ten years later that STILL true so actually I don't think being angry about it means we're "bitter". I'm not angry he left, I'm angry he's so uninvolved right now. And last week, and next week.

So you would ratehr he stayed just because of your children? How is that healthy for them?

So a person wants out of a relationship which is not working for them so the couple is stuck together forever just because someone doesn't want to be on their own?