To be angry that I was left a single parent

Whilst I might be being pessimistic, i think that if you decide to have a child, it is always sensible to prepare for the possibility of being a single parent as life isn't predictable. I certainly did.

Oh OP. As a long-term single parent, fuck him!

Just some positives:

1. Bed to yourself (with or without the kids in it!)
2. You decide the home rules
3. You can devote your time and energy to the kids without having to factor in the twat!
4. Any free time you get (if any) is yours!
5. You are not obliged to care for the twat in old age (mostly women!)
6. Your money is yours (and the kids)
7. Your decide what's on TV (per the kids)
8. You are free to date/shag/drink with whomever you want (if that's your thing)
9. You only need to worry about yourself and your kids

You do you and fuck the ex!

Too many men see children as their wife's hobby.

I agree with this.

Yes I agree with this. I will never out earn my husband for all the hard work and will in the world. I can’t just decide to stop being negative and work harder and earn more than him. There are facts to be dealt with, it’s not just a ‘high earning ‘ mindset

It's very difficult for many women with the cost of childcare. It is worth it to work as a loss during the church years but you can see why many women don't do it and are then left holding the baby.

It’s a bit naive to say that we should all have financial independence.

Ideally we would, but realistically how many of us are able to access high paying positions?

I am just not very good at STEM subjects and if we’re honest that’s where the money lies. I got through my GCSEs with a lot of revision and the wind behind me but there was no real understanding of the concepts or ideas; I just learned them! There’s no way I could have studied beyond GCSE. As it was, I did modestly well in my A levels and qualified as a teacher and I earn fine, but I’m not going to be a brain surgeon or an architect or a city banker.

Most people are like me - ordinary enough and in jobs which are ordinary and allow a good standard of living when combined with another similar salary. If I was reliant entirely on my salary we’d struggle. That’s just life and it isn’t my ‘fault.’

I really hear you OP. I'm at the other end now. DC are adults. My ex left me two weeks before baby number 2 was born. I raised them alone as he showed zero interest in them.

I'll never truly get over what he did or the life that he left us with. We could have had/done so much more if he'd stuck around.

It was made so much more by him marrying again and having two more children - to whom he's a proper father. It's heartbreaking to watch my DC pretend they don't care.

@Edingril , my ex was completely unsuitable to have 50/50 , he had a very unpleasant new partner and handing dd to him would have been giving her to a stranger as he had played virtually no part in her life .

This definitely wouldn’t work, if you consider part of parenting to be keeping the children safe. There’s lots of parents out there who don’t give a crap. Some of them fight for 50/50 purely so they don’t have to pay maintenance, nothing to do with wanting to be part of their children’s lives.

Such utter crap

YANBU. Such a hurtful and difficult thing to happen. I hope things improve for you ♥️

100% agree - never give up having any degree of financial independence. So many women have been trapped by this.

I’m sorry to get on my soapbox here but this thread exemplifies why it’s so urgently important that women don’t give up their jobs.

These stories are heartbreaking and the bitterness is understandable but if you work you always have something to fall back on. Marriage gives you some insurance but it’s no substitute for being able to earn your own money and support your children.

At the risk of sounding smug: I was also left as a single parent in similar circumstances and it was horribly painful and traumatic but I don’t feel bitter now I feel grateful. Because within two years of him leaving I out earned him by a factor of four to one. And I was free.

Never ever listen to a man who says he will protect you or that giving up work is “best for the family”. You only ever have yourself to rely on.

My BIL and SIL split up as he was abusive (alcohol, drugs etc) She was well rid of him but he literally left and didn't look back. It's been 5 years since he has seen his kids and hasn't paid a penny. He has now shacked up with somebody else, she got pregnant after a couple of weeks and they split straight away. He has only recently got back with her( child is now 3.5) and he is playing happy families despite not knowing if the child is even is. He has stated on many occasions he wanted a DNA test. His FB I'm told is full of days out and treats for this child. Meanwhile his ex wife and his two children from their marriage are struggling. They were homeless for a while as SIL had to sell the family home as she could not afford it. Both children (teenagers) are struggling with mental health and one has attempted suicide. It's angers me that BIL has just discarded them..

A lot of men do want kids, for legacy, a sign of virility or to pass on religious or cultural norms that benefit them. They just don't want to raise the kids.

There's a saying 'mothers baby, fathers maybe' although of course some mothers leave too but much fewer.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast , you raise an interesting point , my partner has never met his Dad , but he had been an incredible father to our two children and has bought up my eldest as his own

he sounds like a total loser and I don't blame you for feeling resentful. then again at some point I think you have to reframe it as you're free of the idiot he turned out to be, and stronger because of it. Life as a single parent is hard but you have to focus on you and your kids, developing your life and interests and looking after your kids, rather than be angry at him forever. Think about how you can change your life step by step. I focus on the small steps always by moving towards the bigger picture. At times I've really struggled as a single parent but it does get easier with time and actually you can be the architect of the rest of your life without a loser involved! Think about what your goals are and work towards them bit by bit.

Interesting point and possibly a worthwhile marker statistically. That said, my own DH was traumatised by his own dad’s affair and subsequent split from DH’s mum, and vowed to do better himself. So far, so good (married parents to young adults) but I’ll never trust anyone 100%. It really can happen to any of us.

Out of interest what were these men’s own family like growing up? Were their fathers present and good role models? I’m lucky enough to have found a good one. He too wasn’t bothered whether we had children or not but I knew he’d step up as he had such amazing role model in his parents.

I just wonder if the advice is to look at the man’s family as that will tell you the father he is likely to be 🤔

So sorry OP but there is an upside to this. It happened to me too and I was relieved I didn't have to share my DS with him. 50/50 would have killed me.
I was a nurse when DS was born but it soon became obvious I wasn't going to be able to get childcare for shift work.
So I went back to university and trained to be a podiatrist, one of the few 9 to 5 NHS jobs.
I did really well, worked really hard and was able to buy us a house and have financial security.
And above all my DS was brought up by a strong capable woman as is now a decent man as a result.
Work towards your career goals, get a degree and plan your future. You can do this. Much love.

I think very often, the goal for men is passing on their dna. Once they have created the children, the legacy is secure, so no need to do anything so inconvenient as raising them. It's why they can want them and still walk away.