To keep him away from kids’ events?

I mean, all of the above. But if you're not taking on that feedback then the only thing left is for you to go to some events, and him and his wife go to some. You don't have to be at all of them, alternate so that your DC has some quality time with both households.

Ah op I've been in similar shoes (no kids thank goodness) but I have to say I think you're being unreasonable here. As far as you know (from what you've said) they started dating after you both finished. I'm sure that felt like a major kick in the teeth and you were left questioning why couldn't he be that person for you and your kids. That's shit.

But as others have said this isn't about you and your feelings as valid as they may be. This is about enabling your child to have a relationship with their dad instead of making it difficult by refusing their step mother to be present. At some point your children will grow up and have a relationship with her that's independent of you, they may want her at their weddings/graduation/birthdays and OP it will unfortunately be your job to suck it up.

Many men have done much worse and there will be lots of women on here who have had to grit their teeth and swallow it for the sake of their children's wellbeing and then vent to their friends with a glass of wine after the fact.

You say you're not jealous but when you talk about the comparison it sounds like you feel as though his life is better than yours in some way. So my advice is to focus on that. Work on improving your relationship with yourself, treat yourself to a nice new haircut or whatever would make you feel better and try to work some time into your week for your own hobbies and interests.

It sucks for you that your ex is now a more settled person, but that is better for your kids than him being an arse who's out every night. What your kids need is the best version of you as well and when you're pouring your energies into trying to block their step mum all they get is the bitter version of you.

In answer to your question I think you've put him in a shit position by insisting that she doesn't come. And he's felt that was the only way to draw a boundary with you which is fair after such a long time. I agree with the other pps who have suggested therapy. I did it after my ex and I broke up and it was important in helping me heal from that hurt and unfairness.

And just to reiterate noone is saying this is fair. Or that he treated you the way he should have. We're saying you need to rise above and be the better person here so your kids aren't left dealing with the animosity.

The only people paying for this are your kids.
You're also stopping yourself from moving on. All your bitterness is doing it hurting you, your kids and your kids father. You and him are over. Maybe he was a sh*t, maybe you just weren't well enough suited, but you need to focus on your kids and that includes letting their father be included in their life. It is down to him to decide if he includes his wife or not.

I’m sorry to add to all the voices, but you are a blended family now. She is related to your children too, she is their Step-mother, and they have half siblings too.

I think the problem is that YOU need to move on. I’m sorry he clearly hurt you so badly, but it isn’t her fault and if anything be glad that she is making an effort for your children too. Rather than make them feel less loved than her own.
You will all be in each other’s lives now forever.

The issue is your insecurity but nobody is comparing you both, you are still their Mum and they will always love you.

Perhaps try to get some counselling or therapy if you’re struggling to move forward…? It seems your feelings of rejection are overwhelming you, at a detriment to your children’s happiness.

him standing like the cat who got the cream what with his wife? Like any other married person? When you move on you'll understand that it's not about your relationship with him that's over

He doesn’t need to go on his own to any events. He can attend with his wife. There is nothing you can do if he turns up with his wife. His wife is your children’s stepmother and will have her own relationship with them.

I feel sorry for the kids caught up in this. Just be the bigger person. Get to know the stepmum.

This is definitely a “you” problem. Stop making it your DCs problem.

That's completely irrelevant - you're punishing your child because of extreme jealousy and it sounds like it's ruining your life. Does your child want their dad there? If so you should enable and encourage dad to be there. It's understandable that that is awkward for you. But if it's so hard you feel it's unbearable then you need to get some help for yourself. Imagine your child in future, every event in their life will be blighted by needing to choose one parent. Wedding, graduation, funerals etc.

It would be much better if your ex didn't insist on bringing his wife as this stuff is nothing to do with her and he's equally not putting the child first, but you can only control your behaviour so try to rise above it and do the right thing by your child.

He didn't he out your control below his wife.

He didn't want to marry you. He didn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. That's not an offence. I am sure you didn't want to marry many of your exs.

You both chose to have child/, children knowing he was that way at that time.

He has gone on by the sounds of it fit his shit together and grown up a bit. He fell in love got married.

He has done nothing wrong. Nobody owes someone their commitment.

You are being very unfair to your children and need to pull up your big girl pants. Your posts are clearly showing you resent her meeting him, being younger and having the nuclear family you want.

Stop being unreasonable and concentrate on your happiness.

Im sorry he wasn’t a good partner to you OP. It must really sting seeing him with his wife. I can totally understand why you feel so betrayed.

But, this really can’t be about you and your feelings. It’s about your son who deserves a relationship with his dad, his half siblings and his step mother. You need to put your own feelings aside now and try and move on from your own heartbreak, for your son’s sake. You will only come out looking bitter and resentful otherwise.

Your son will decide when he is older how much he values his dad’s time. You don’t really have the right to dictate that.

Maybe it’s you he wanted to avoid, because it sounds like you’d have made it awful for everyone whether he was there alone or not.

You need to realise that you don’t own those kids, you don’t get to make rules like this and you need to move on. He didn’t want you. Get over it.

You're constantly accusing him of putting himself before his children, yet you're doing the exact same thing.

You chose to be with someone who wouldn’t marry you, do you take responsibility for that? For having a baby with him knowing that? For resenting his working hours yet having another baby with him?

You made a series of choices. Part of moving on might include accepting that. He made his choices, his wife is making hers. They seem happy, you’re not, you can only change yourself, no one else.

@Brightspark3 because he's not letting you call the shots!!!!

You need to read everyone's posts and then reflect. No one is agreeing with you.

All I’m seeing from your post and replies is how YOU feel and what YOU want.

stop being selfish and put your son first.

if your ex has any sense he’d just turn up to school events. He doesn’t need to ask your permission for him or his wife to go.

you don’t own your son, or his school.

None of it is fair, and he deserves a whack round the head with a wet fish, but still, you have to be the bigger person for your kids, and make the best of it for them. Just curse them under your breath…..

Grow up op

What if he decides when you get a partner they can never go to your kids events or is that ok because it’s only you who can dictate 🙄

you sound jealous and bitter, you are better off without him from what you’ve said so focus on that and your kids

So? I’m in your exact situation. You know what we do? We all go to things together. I go, he goes and the woman he picked to be with goes too. And not even just stuff we have to do like school events, we go for dinner and cinema/comic cons/one off activities all together. Because that’s what is best for the kids, for them to see us all as their unit. We manage just fine.

The reason he hasn’t come to anything for your kids is because you are gate keeping all the events by setting rules you have no right to set. And your kids have suffered. Maybe he should have come along without her but you sounds so awful, I’m sure you’d have been horrible to him regardless and made it a terrible atmosphere. He should have really just told you to bugger off and brought her anyway.

You need to grow up. Put your kids first. If you can’t do that, maybe they should go live with him.

Maybe he just wasn't ready for family life/marriage with you.

Maybe you were not 'the one'.

This shouldn't stop him being involved in his kids lives. Kindly, you need to move on. He has.

Get the school to send him the letter/emails directly. You don't need to be the middle person.

Does your DC see hima t other times.

IT'S. NOT. ABOUT. YOU.

Not every relationship is meant to last forever OP that’s part of life. The only people you’re hurting now is your children who as I say, will one day know exactly what you’ve done here and won’t thank you for it. You didn’t get to be his wife so now you’re preventing him and his wife from being in their kids/step kids lives.

Harshly, maybe he didn't want to marry you. You weren't the person for him. Yes it must hurt, but that's not a reason to not let him attend.