To keep him away from kids’ events?

I’ve said before he can go to things but she can’t

But you have absolutely no control over who attends school events. It's not even a little bit up to you. It makes you sound a bit mad that you think you can control this.

Him not prioritising his children is a separate issue.

Exactly she's either part of the family or she isn't

You need to come to grips with the fact that you chose to stay, at least for that time, in a relationship with someone who didn't want to marry you.

You need to come to grips with the fact that you chose to stay, at least for that time, in a relationship with someone who wasn't willing to stay home every/any night for you.

You need to come to grips with the fact that you chose to, or accidentally ended up, having a child with that person.

You are annoyed he is doing as he pleases, because you are annoyed he didn't want to please you.

But you are totally missing the point, which is that he is allowed to turn up for his child, it's good that he's turning up for his child, and you don't get to dictate how or with whom he does that.

You couldn't even get him to do what you wanted while you were together, so it's really really pointless to expect or hope you can do so now. Now, he effectively doesn't owe you any of that stuff anymore! Frustrating because of past (real or perceived) slights I'm sure, but true nonetheless.

If I refused to go to my DSD's important events I'd be handed my arse on a plate.

It starts with Christmas concerts but it will build up to graduations and weddings and things like that and the children may want their step mum there.

@DeepRoseFish she is a step parent. The double standards on MN are unreal - if she didn't turn up to things she'd be accused of not caring and treating children differently.

What would you say if you wanted to take your mum/sister/new partner to a school event and your ex blocked it? Nobody, other than you, is going to be comparing you and his wife. Your anger and jealousy are only hurting you, and now your DC.

Would you do the same if you met someone and married them?

Does your ex have parental responsibility? Is he listed on the birth certificate? Or does he have a court order giving him parental responsibility? If he has parental responsibility, then you have absolutely no right in stopping him from attending any events. All correspondence from the school should be sent to both of you. The fact he is married, and this woman is his wife, means he has every right to bring her to a school event. You have no say. I am sorry that he wasn't the best partner to you, and refused to marry you - it's crap and I understand that. However, you need to pull up your big girl pants and accept the situation for what it is, for your child's sake. If this was in reverse, and he was kicking up a fuss over you bring your husband to a school event - you wouldn't be happy, and rightly so. Your child comes first, not your feelings.

Weaponising your poor child to hurt someone who rejected you. Despicable behaviour, OP.

This will damage your child and certainly your relationship with them long term.

Because she isn’t a parent

Do people not realise it hurts my children to see him like this with his wife and their children?

Why on earth would it hurt your children that they have two happy parents who just don’t happen to be together?

Unless your making your kids dislike your exs partner or not showing them you’re happy their dads happy

poor kids caught up in your bitter twisted games, be careful as they get older they’ll realise what you’ve been like and how you’ve stopped their dad being around them

Yes, I wonder why he doesn't want to be at events without his wife with his high-conflict ex who is clearly still obsessed with him, or why his wife would not be super comfortable with that either. What a puzzle.

In that case tell him to contact the school for a calendar of events, it’s up to him to get this information and it’s not like your children don’t spend time with them as a family. I say this kindly, you’re going to damage your children by not allowing him to go to school events. Your children will grow up wondering why their dad doesn’t attend these things and one day they’re going to really resent you for this. You don’t need to sit with them or speak to them. It’s not your children’s fault your ex partner has married and moved on, they shouldn’t be punished like this because you don’t want see his new wife.

@DeepRoseFish

Why shouldn't she be at every event if she wants?

Kids can care and love for their stepparents deeply, I care very much for my stepfather. I would have hated to think he was being excluded or pushed out of any events he'd wanted to come to as him being there would have been a happy thing for me. What if the kids want her there? The kids didn't ask to be put in the middle of the parents fighting, it's unnecessary.

Same here! My mum used to make my dad drop us off a street away and walk to the house if ‘she’ was in the car. Affected all our relationships with parents and it’s only on having my own children that I realise just how damaging it was. My dad and stepmum are married still 25+ yrs on and my mum is also married 20yrs + but now having grandchildren has brought an extra level of competitiveness again. It’s awful. Please just accept it for the sake of your children OP

All I'm reading is "me me me, what about me, what about how I feel, what about how I look" you've not even mentioned what the kids want and how they feel about it all, you're just weaponising them cos of your bitterness.

How on earth do you know that?!

I bet he’s a complete arse uses any opportunity he can to rub her nose in it.

It’s not about his kids it’s about him doing as he pleases.

If the new wife had anything about her she’d give them a bit of space.

No doubt she’ll be in the same position herself in a few years time!

As a child, my father did what your ex did. I'd have loved him at my school events but didn't want her there. So I'd say it depends on your child and what they'd want

They won't know any different. The only reason it will hurt them is because you are making it an issue and given your behaviour here I don't doubt for a second that you are making this a thing in front of them too.

You need to get over this jealousy before you damage your kids even more.

@Brightspark3 does he actually know when the events are or do you refuse to give him the information if he says his wife is coming? Do you even tell him about the events?

You need to grow up OP.

its not about you anymore, and you need to work on your self confidence.

my first ex left me for someone 10 years younger and it tore me to shreds but I didn’t for one moment stop him and her coming to any of the kids events etc (once I got past it all)

Much as it pained me to admit, he was happier and he was still an involved dad and the kids were happier knowing that we were all on the same page. I hated her to be honest but over time I tolerated her nd then became friendly and the dc benefitted from this

the only people you are hurting are your kids and believe me they will not thank you further down the line

It's only not amicable because OP has issues with the kids' stepmum who I bet she's never even spoken to.

I think you are both being unreasonable and putting your personal feelings ahead of what’s best for your kids. This is all setting them a very dysfunctional example of how relationships work and won’t do them any favours in the long run.

If it’s been two years and you are still struggling with all this bitterness and resentment then I would gently suggest that perhaps some counselling/therapy would be useful to help you to gain some perspective on things.

You should really get to grips with this before he realises that he's entitled to ask the school to send him copies of communications and invitations and sorts out his own tickets to events etc.

All parties with PR are entitled to ask schools to do that.