To keep him away from kids’ events?

The joys of MN.

The only people more hated than MIL's are Stepmother's.

I went to all my dsc school events. Far more than their dad as he worked shifts. Far more than their DM as she hated that sort of thing and was happy to have someone else take up the mantle.

I split with their dad about 7 years ago but dsc still spend a lot of time with me. We do "family" days out etc which include my dh. They all come to me for Xmas and Easter etc.

Ypu can either continue being bitter and risk your children growing up to resent you both or you can grow up and do what is best for them.

Sounds like he wants to show up at things for his kids but you are the one stopping him, dictating who he can and can't bring, all your posts are about you and not your child, time to grow up OP.

I can completely understand why this would not be something you would want. But ultimately, it is your son paying the price.
I suppose your question could be rephrased as, 'Is my desire to not see the new partner more important than my son having his father show an active interest in his life?' .. The answer to this question will depend on whether you value your sons mental wellbeing more than your own, harsh but true.

As a side note, the same could be said to your ex, but you cannot control what he does, only what you do. He is also prepared to have an active role in his life (albeit with a caveat), whereas you are the one actively preventing this.

...Parenting is shit sometimes, It's hard putting yourself second the majority of the time, but i'd always sway towards the path of causing the least damage to an innocent child who does not have any say in what happens.

OP, you weren't his person - she is.

She's his wife and they have a family unit that your child is a part of - you're causing a divide and they will feel it.

It's not fair on the child and they will feel this 1100%.

Get some therapy, work on yourself and move on - if you were happy it wouldn't bother you who he brought. Break ups are hard, but your child's emotions come first.

Because you never allowed it?

Maybe he wasn't the big family man when he was with you. But people do change and it sounds like he is interested in stepping up now but you make it difficult for him.

That is so unfair on your child. He deserves love and attention from both parents.

You sound very jealous. I understand why you would, he's improved himself and she gets a better version than you did. That's not your fault. But you can't bar him and your kids' stepmother from school events. If more than two family members can attend then he can bring her. Barring them both denies your kids a relationship with their father.

This all sounds very unhappy, spiteful and bitter.
Poor kids.

OP take the ( almost unanimous) feedback on board and be the bigger person for the sake if your children.

This is absurd. You are being absolutely unreasonable

If he wouldn't marry you, and this is something which bothers you, why did you have kids with him?

Cannot believe you've banned him from kids events; you have no right to do this.

Sooner or later he’ll clock on, call the school and have letters sent directly to him as well. He’s perfectly at liberty to do so.

In the meantime I’d be very careful no one says ‘parental alienation’ to you.

Especially if you’re saying things like ‘it hurts my child to see them together’. Small children don’t say things like that unprompted. Most adults know this.

Unless this is reverse (which I’m wondering if it is) there comes a point when you need to be an adult and think of your kids wellbeing above your own hurt feelings. You can hate him and hate the fact he married this woman and is a “changed man” and also prioritise your children’s wellbeing and allow their dad to attend events with their stepmum.

Please step up for them. If you continue like this they will really start to resent and blame YOU.

Ha, have you actually read OP's comments?

"Do you want that nasty mean lady who Daddy left us for and makes Mummy feel bad about herself at your school play? Because if you do that would make Mummy really sad. Oh, you don't? Good boy, I'll tell Daddy that you hate her and don't want her there. You're such a good little helper for Mummy!"

How do you propose to stop him attending events? You don't have any control over whether he brings her to a sports event/school show.

It's "treat them as your own" until you do and then "you're not a parent".

😐

When you have a new partner are you going to be OK with them being banned from any events involving your children?
The more people who love and want to support/champion your child the better. When they are older and ask dad why they weren't at events are you prepared for the conversation about stopping him because you are annoyed he moved on and sound jealous of the person who has the life you wanted. It's not easy but you really should try to put what your child wants first.

Seems literally everyone has missed the main question here. What does your child want? Ask them do they want just daddy to be there or daddy and whatever wife is called. If they want them both there then you’re just going to have to ignore them you don’t need to speak to them or even look at them. Can you take someone along with you so you don’t feel so alone? If child wants just daddy to come then daddy needs to put child first.

also I think people need to remember there is someone on the other end of this screen reading your messages and a lot of you are very nasty. Would you speak this way to a friend or would you give your opinion on the matter in a kind and thoughtful manner? A lot of nasty women on here it seems

@DeepRoseFish

"It seems to me to be about what he wants. And I’m not interested in going along with what men want."

I think you've been reading a different OP to the rest of us.

Do people not realise it hurts my children to see him like this with his wife and their children

So you think they would prefer not to see him at all?

@DeepRoseFish utter tosh!

Honestly, why shouldn't she? They're not 'parenting' together at an event. They can sit opposite sides of the hall if need be.

And the OP has stated - over and over again - that this is about her feelings and how it makes her feel, NOT the kids.

Where is the wife when your son visits his home? Do they not live together?

Do people not realise it hurts my children to see him like this with his wife and their children

Nah, not buying that.

Parents cause more damage and hurt to their children when they can't act like adults over a split, than the actual split could ever cause.

If parents grew up a bit more, there wouldn't be so many fucked up kids out there.

Why should she expect to be able to go to all events?!

If it was me I know I would give them the space to parent.

It seems to me to be about what he wants. And I’m not interested in going along with what men want.

Grow up and put your kid first.

one day they’ll be weddings etc to navigate. Get a grip now.