To ask you to share any experiences of parental alienation?

To answer why I didnt move away;

I did. I moved miles away and built a life, bought a house, got a job and tried to maintain a cool relationship with them from a distance, because despite my poor relationship with them, I was convinced it was only poor because of who I was, that I was the problem. I believed they adored DS. They certainly didn't treat him badly at all, in fact they would fall over themselves to accommodate him.
It was me they didn't like, so i maintained a cool relationship with them for DS's sake and he got along with them.
It is difficult to explain the way that as a scapegoat, you are made to feel that you are the problem, that you are not seeing the bigger picture, and they are just 'trying to help'.

The alienation really ramped up from when DS became a teenager.

I live miles away from my mother and sister, but they drive and would arrange to pick him up within walking distance of my house, all without my knowledge.
I would return home from work to discover a note, written in my mother's handwriting to say DS had gone to stay with her for a few days to 'give me a break' and on the many occasions I drove to my mother's to collect him, she wouldn't answer the door.

I even called the police, who did a welfare check and deemed DS safe and well and passed the message on that he would be home in a few days, that he was safe with his grandmother and therefore they had no concerns.

It is almost impossible to prove parental alienation and ime police don't get involved.

Could I have removed DS's mobile phone? Yes
Would that have stopped her driving up and lying in wait for him in her car? Absolutely not!

All she needed was a point of contact, and when your teen is willingly going to them, what can you reasonably be expected to do?

I didn't believe the lengths a grandparent would go to, to alienate their grandson until they went to those lengths. I wouldn't have believed they could do what they did, until they actually did it. By then, they had a point of contact and a relationship with him.
Hindsight is 20/20 vision. I didn't have that vision until the damage was done.

It is of some comfort to know that I am not alone in this, although it deeply saddens me that others are living with this too.

Thank you for the kind messages of support.
For all the parents who are living under the sentence of parental alienation, I hear you! I understand your pain and I truly hope you find peace, however that may present in your life.

@Ladyofthetramp

genuine question
but why didn’t you move away from your mother? It sounds as though she had an enormous amount of access to your child (and you) despite being an hugely unpleasant and indeed abusive person

Yes. DS and I have suffered parental alienation. Not by an xp, but at the hands of my own parent.
It went something like this.
I grew up with a Narcissistic mother and an enabling father. My sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat.
Sister grew up, married and left home.
Shortly afterwards, I had DS and my mother made DS the golden child.
Mother had always longed for a son and never had one.
I remained the scapegoat.
Over a number of years, my mother and to a lesser degree, my sister, alienated DS and myself and when DS was 16, my mother invited him to live with her.
DS left and was treated as a superhero by my mother.
I see now that this was in a quest for my mother to avoid being lonely.
I tried to maintain a relationship with DS and was successful for a number of years. At one point, he returned home claiming my mother was controlling and manipulative, however, DS returned a couple of years later and from that point on, my mother did everything she could to keep us apart. She changed his phone number, on the basis she would pay the bill for him, refused to have me in her house when DS was there, and I can only imagine the things she said to him.
DS became very abrupt and cold towards me in a matter of weeks after returning to my mother's house.
And then suddenly one day, he simply refused to talk to me. He refused to give me any idea of what had gone wrong.

Our last conversation was where I told him i loved him and he was always welcome to come for a coffee and a chat about anything at all, and I would listen to anything he had to say and take it in.
I apologised for anything I had done to hurt him and told him that my door would always remain open for him at any time of the day or night.
I have had no contact with him since then, and only my mother knows where he is now.
Our last conversation was more than a decade ago.

It is an awful heartbreaking situation to be in, for both parent and child and I don't talk to people irl about it.
I know people will judge and say I must know what I did to make DS cut all contact, but I know I truly honestly have no idea. I have spent years going over everything, and have drawn a blank.
Yes, I have raised my voice at DS when he was a child. Yes, I have gotten frustrated when he was a child and removed his privileges, such as playing his Xbox when his behaviour was challenging but I also loved him beyond measure and let him know this every single day!
I was the mum who taught DS right from wrong but I was also the mum who stood in the rain at the edge of the football pitch, the mum who played Xbox with him, the mum who had his friends in the house, the mum who cuddled up watching films, who took him to the zoo and marvelled at his view of the world.
I was the mum who adored him and wanted him to be happy.
I never believed it could happen to us, my friends who knew us throughout DS's childhood are just as blindsided by it, or so they say.
I have devoured literature on abuse and can honestly say I have never abused DS in any way, however, he is entitled to feel hurt by any of my actions or words that he feels hurt by, whether that was my intention at the time or not. It is not up to me how long or how hurt he can be and I accept that completely!

He has now moved out of my mother's and lives alone somewhere. When I last spoke to my mother to explain how the loss of my son has broken me, she told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill and in fact, she was the injured party, because she was now completely alone and apparently DS has cut her off and she doesn't know where he is.
Whether this is the truth or not, I do not know.
An experience such as this leaves you with deep trust issues.

If I had one wish, one prayer answered, it would be for DS to be happy, wherever he is, and whomever he is with.
If not knowing me makes him happy, that is a price I am prepared to pay.
It has taken me a long time and an ocean of tears to get to the point where I feel I am living with this rather than dying of it.

I used to tell my son he lit up my life, that he was like a big lighthouse, lighting up my life. He turned my life from black and white into full technicolour!
I know he loved me and I loved him very deeply. We told each other this all of the time.
I hope his light hasn't dimmed and he is living a life that brings him joy, even if that means we are apart.
And if the day should come when he knocks on my door, I shall do what I told him I would do, I shall listen to whatever he has to say, whether that's to talk about his reasons for cutting me off or just about the weather, or maybe we will just sit in silence. Just to be in the same space as him again would truly be a blessing!
Parental alienation hurts parents, but let's not forget that it also devastates children!

I will always love my son and once upon a time, I know that he loved me.

Yes she saw her children of course. They were in school in that country so not so easy to just up and move them even if she'd been able to take them with her.

And she did return. To pick up her stuff. But he'd thrown a lot of it out.

He then turned the kids against her with crazy accusations of poisoning.

She took a risk leaving the country without her children. Leaving them with a man who clearly she wasn’t remotely in a good place with

What?!?! She had NO idea he was having an affair. He gave NO indication. She was totally blindsided. We all were.

What was she supposed to do? Never visit her family and friends?!

Yes. DS and I have suffered parental alienation. Not by an xp, but at the hands of my own parent.
It went something like this.
I grew up with a Narcissistic mother and an enabling father. My sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat.
Sister grew up, married and left home.
Shortly afterwards, I had DS and my mother made DS the golden child.
Mother had always longed for a son and never had one.
I remained the scapegoat.
Over a number of years, my mother and to a lesser degree, my sister, alienated DS and myself and when DS was 16, my mother invited him to live with her.
DS left and was treated as a superhero by my mother.
I see now that this was in a quest for my mother to avoid being lonely.
I tried to maintain a relationship with DS and was successful for a number of years. At one point, he returned home claiming my mother was controlling and manipulative, however, DS returned a couple of years later and from that point on, my mother did everything she could to keep us apart. She changed his phone number, on the basis she would pay the bill for him, refused to have me in her house when DS was there, and I can only imagine the things she said to him.
DS became very abrupt and cold towards me in a matter of weeks after returning to my mother's house.
And then suddenly one day, he simply refused to talk to me. He refused to give me any idea of what had gone wrong.

Our last conversation was where I told him i loved him and he was always welcome to come for a coffee and a chat about anything at all, and I would listen to anything he had to say and take it in.
I apologised for anything I had done to hurt him and told him that my door would always remain open for him at any time of the day or night.
I have had no contact with him since then, and only my mother knows where he is now.
Our last conversation was more than a decade ago.

It is an awful heartbreaking situation to be in, for both parent and child and I don't talk to people irl about it.
I know people will judge and say I must know what I did to make DS cut all contact, but I know I truly honestly have no idea. I have spent years going over everything, and have drawn a blank.
Yes, I have raised my voice at DS when he was a child. Yes, I have gotten frustrated when he was a child and removed his privileges, such as playing his Xbox when his behaviour was challenging but I also loved him beyond measure and let him know this every single day!
I was the mum who taught DS right from wrong but I was also the mum who stood in the rain at the edge of the football pitch, the mum who played Xbox with him, the mum who had his friends in the house, the mum who cuddled up watching films, who took him to the zoo and marvelled at his view of the world.
I was the mum who adored him and wanted him to be happy.
I never believed it could happen to us, my friends who knew us throughout DS's childhood are just as blindsided by it, or so they say.
I have devoured literature on abuse and can honestly say I have never abused DS in any way, however, he is entitled to feel hurt by any of my actions or words that he feels hurt by, whether that was my intention at the time or not. It is not up to me how long or how hurt he can be and I accept that completely!

He has now moved out of my mother's and lives alone somewhere. When I last spoke to my mother to explain how the loss of my son has broken me, she told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill and in fact, she was the injured party, because she was now completely alone and apparently DS has cut her off and she doesn't know where he is.
Whether this is the truth or not, I do not know.
An experience such as this leaves you with deep trust issues.

If I had one wish, one prayer answered, it would be for DS to be happy, wherever he is, and whomever he is with.
If not knowing me makes him happy, that is a price I am prepared to pay.
It has taken me a long time and an ocean of tears to get to the point where I feel I am living with this rather than dying of it.

I used to tell my son he lit up my life, that he was like a big lighthouse, lighting up my life. He turned my life from black and white into full technicolour!
I know he loved me and I loved him very deeply. We told each other this all of the time.
I hope his light hasn't dimmed and he is living a life that brings him joy, even if that means we are apart.
And if the day should come when he knocks on my door, I shall do what I told him I would do, I shall listen to whatever he has to say, whether that's to talk about his reasons for cutting me off or just about the weather, or maybe we will just sit in silence. Just to be in the same space as him again would truly be a blessing!
Parental alienation hurts parents, but let's not forget that it also devastates children!

I will always love my son and once upon a time, I know that he loved me.

Yes. A family member moved abroad with her husband. She couldn't work there. She came back to the Uk for a visit and he called her and told her it was over and not to come back. He had the house, the kids, the car, all their stuff. She had no job, no home, no way to support herself.

He then turned the kids against her and she has no contact with two of them. Absolutely heartbreaking.

Yes. DS and I have suffered parental alienation. Not by an xp, but at the hands of my own parent.
It went something like this.
I grew up with a Narcissistic mother and an enabling father. My sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat.
Sister grew up, married and left home.
Shortly afterwards, I had DS and my mother made DS the golden child.
Mother had always longed for a son and never had one.
I remained the scapegoat.
Over a number of years, my mother and to a lesser degree, my sister, alienated DS and myself and when DS was 16, my mother invited him to live with her.
DS left and was treated as a superhero by my mother.
I see now that this was in a quest for my mother to avoid being lonely.
I tried to maintain a relationship with DS and was successful for a number of years. At one point, he returned home claiming my mother was controlling and manipulative, however, DS returned a couple of years later and from that point on, my mother did everything she could to keep us apart. She changed his phone number, on the basis she would pay the bill for him, refused to have me in her house when DS was there, and I can only imagine the things she said to him.
DS became very abrupt and cold towards me in a matter of weeks after returning to my mother's house.
And then suddenly one day, he simply refused to talk to me. He refused to give me any idea of what had gone wrong.

Our last conversation was where I told him i loved him and he was always welcome to come for a coffee and a chat about anything at all, and I would listen to anything he had to say and take it in.
I apologised for anything I had done to hurt him and told him that my door would always remain open for him at any time of the day or night.
I have had no contact with him since then, and only my mother knows where he is now.
Our last conversation was more than a decade ago.

It is an awful heartbreaking situation to be in, for both parent and child and I don't talk to people irl about it.
I know people will judge and say I must know what I did to make DS cut all contact, but I know I truly honestly have no idea. I have spent years going over everything, and have drawn a blank.
Yes, I have raised my voice at DS when he was a child. Yes, I have gotten frustrated when he was a child and removed his privileges, such as playing his Xbox when his behaviour was challenging but I also loved him beyond measure and let him know this every single day!
I was the mum who taught DS right from wrong but I was also the mum who stood in the rain at the edge of the football pitch, the mum who played Xbox with him, the mum who had his friends in the house, the mum who cuddled up watching films, who took him to the zoo and marvelled at his view of the world.
I was the mum who adored him and wanted him to be happy.
I never believed it could happen to us, my friends who knew us throughout DS's childhood are just as blindsided by it, or so they say.
I have devoured literature on abuse and can honestly say I have never abused DS in any way, however, he is entitled to feel hurt by any of my actions or words that he feels hurt by, whether that was my intention at the time or not. It is not up to me how long or how hurt he can be and I accept that completely!

He has now moved out of my mother's and lives alone somewhere. When I last spoke to my mother to explain how the loss of my son has broken me, she told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill and in fact, she was the injured party, because she was now completely alone and apparently DS has cut her off and she doesn't know where he is.
Whether this is the truth or not, I do not know.
An experience such as this leaves you with deep trust issues.

If I had one wish, one prayer answered, it would be for DS to be happy, wherever he is, and whomever he is with.
If not knowing me makes him happy, that is a price I am prepared to pay.
It has taken me a long time and an ocean of tears to get to the point where I feel I am living with this rather than dying of it.

I used to tell my son he lit up my life, that he was like a big lighthouse, lighting up my life. He turned my life from black and white into full technicolour!
I know he loved me and I loved him very deeply. We told each other this all of the time.
I hope his light hasn't dimmed and he is living a life that brings him joy, even if that means we are apart.
And if the day should come when he knocks on my door, I shall do what I told him I would do, I shall listen to whatever he has to say, whether that's to talk about his reasons for cutting me off or just about the weather, or maybe we will just sit in silence. Just to be in the same space as him again would truly be a blessing!
Parental alienation hurts parents, but let's not forget that it also devastates children!

I will always love my son and once upon a time, I know that he loved me.

Yes. DS and I have suffered parental alienation. Not by an xp, but at the hands of my own parent.
It went something like this.
I grew up with a Narcissistic mother and an enabling father. My sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat.
Sister grew up, married and left home.
Shortly afterwards, I had DS and my mother made DS the golden child.
Mother had always longed for a son and never had one.
I remained the scapegoat.
Over a number of years, my mother and to a lesser degree, my sister, alienated DS and myself and when DS was 16, my mother invited him to live with her.
DS left and was treated as a superhero by my mother.
I see now that this was in a quest for my mother to avoid being lonely.
I tried to maintain a relationship with DS and was successful for a number of years. At one point, he returned home claiming my mother was controlling and manipulative, however, DS returned a couple of years later and from that point on, my mother did everything she could to keep us apart. She changed his phone number, on the basis she would pay the bill for him, refused to have me in her house when DS was there, and I can only imagine the things she said to him.
DS became very abrupt and cold towards me in a matter of weeks after returning to my mother's house.
And then suddenly one day, he simply refused to talk to me. He refused to give me any idea of what had gone wrong.

Our last conversation was where I told him i loved him and he was always welcome to come for a coffee and a chat about anything at all, and I would listen to anything he had to say and take it in.
I apologised for anything I had done to hurt him and told him that my door would always remain open for him at any time of the day or night.
I have had no contact with him since then, and only my mother knows where he is now.
Our last conversation was more than a decade ago.

It is an awful heartbreaking situation to be in, for both parent and child and I don't talk to people irl about it.
I know people will judge and say I must know what I did to make DS cut all contact, but I know I truly honestly have no idea. I have spent years going over everything, and have drawn a blank.
Yes, I have raised my voice at DS when he was a child. Yes, I have gotten frustrated when he was a child and removed his privileges, such as playing his Xbox when his behaviour was challenging but I also loved him beyond measure and let him know this every single day!
I was the mum who taught DS right from wrong but I was also the mum who stood in the rain at the edge of the football pitch, the mum who played Xbox with him, the mum who had his friends in the house, the mum who cuddled up watching films, who took him to the zoo and marvelled at his view of the world.
I was the mum who adored him and wanted him to be happy.
I never believed it could happen to us, my friends who knew us throughout DS's childhood are just as blindsided by it, or so they say.
I have devoured literature on abuse and can honestly say I have never abused DS in any way, however, he is entitled to feel hurt by any of my actions or words that he feels hurt by, whether that was my intention at the time or not. It is not up to me how long or how hurt he can be and I accept that completely!

He has now moved out of my mother's and lives alone somewhere. When I last spoke to my mother to explain how the loss of my son has broken me, she told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill and in fact, she was the injured party, because she was now completely alone and apparently DS has cut her off and she doesn't know where he is.
Whether this is the truth or not, I do not know.
An experience such as this leaves you with deep trust issues.

If I had one wish, one prayer answered, it would be for DS to be happy, wherever he is, and whomever he is with.
If not knowing me makes him happy, that is a price I am prepared to pay.
It has taken me a long time and an ocean of tears to get to the point where I feel I am living with this rather than dying of it.

I used to tell my son he lit up my life, that he was like a big lighthouse, lighting up my life. He turned my life from black and white into full technicolour!
I know he loved me and I loved him very deeply. We told each other this all of the time.
I hope his light hasn't dimmed and he is living a life that brings him joy, even if that means we are apart.
And if the day should come when he knocks on my door, I shall do what I told him I would do, I shall listen to whatever he has to say, whether that's to talk about his reasons for cutting me off or just about the weather, or maybe we will just sit in silence. Just to be in the same space as him again would truly be a blessing!
Parental alienation hurts parents, but let's not forget that it also devastates children!

I will always love my son and once upon a time, I know that he loved me.

sorry? i’m confused
how did he “dump” her there

@flipdiddle81 No he dumped here there when her visa had expired. She had no choice in the matter.