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Original poster

17 year old - should we give him money?

114 replies

spongecanary · 04/11/2024 19:08

It's a bit of a long one but I just can't decide whether we are being unreasonable or not.

We don't give our 17 old pocket money as he doesn't help out around the house, we have had lengthy conversations explaining all the responsibilities of a household and asked him to just help out with something every day, ranging from feeding the fish to putting the bins out, but he just can't be bothered. We tried GoHenry a couple of years ago with good opportunities to earn money but he wasn't interested. He had a job in the summer and we advised him to save up for when the job ended but of course he didn't listen.
He has now changed colleges and we have said he has to pay for the bus himself. It's a bit of a long walk but it is walking distance and not much further than his old school which he used to walk to every day. He doesn't want to walk and I don't know if we are being unreasonable expecting him to pay for the bus if he wants to get it.

We put him on our insurance to try and teach him to drive but he wasn't interested as it's too much effort. This puts me off giving him lifts as he has had the opportunity to learn to drive.

He is making minimal effort to get a job. We are reluctant to start giving him money now as I don't want him to learn that he can just get handouts if he doesn't bother doing anything, we really want to instill a good work ethic in him but it's really hard.

I think if he was to make an effort in looking for a job, make an effort at college (third time sitting GCSEs and he is doing no more work than the first two times), help out around the house (even if I do persuade him to do something it's always half arsed so I have to redo it), put the effort in to learn to drive, I might feel differently but I am really reluctant to enable his laziness by giving him money every week.

Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
endingintiers · 04/11/2024 19:43

I would cover bus fair, lunch and a bit of pocket money. They’re still a child at home and should be focused on their studies. The fact they’re not is a different issue.

Getonwitit · 04/11/2024 19:43

Tell him the ingredients for his lunch are in the fridge and let him walk. Anything else and you are enabling him to be lazy and entitled. I don't think you will force him to grow up as you have already allowed him to get to this age without doing chores, You are reaping what you have sown.

PaterPower · 04/11/2024 19:43

spongecanary · 04/11/2024 19:15

He just doesn't put the effort in, he is more than capable but refuses to do any revision in his spare time as that's his "free time" . He has had all of half term to revise but instead he has just slept in until the afternoon and sat on his Xbox.

Show quote history

Time to quarantine the Xbox IMO. He gets time on it (and bus fares) when he starts pulling his weight academically, or around the house (or preferably both).

Original poster
spongecanary · 04/11/2024 19:42

VictoriaAlbert · 04/11/2024 19:37

I would definitely give him college lunch money. My 17yo works 2, sometimes 3 weekend jobs but I help him out money wise with lunch at college. It sounds as though college is within walking distance for your ds, I would probably help out with bus money but maybe not every day so he has some days on the bus and some days walking.

He sounds like a nice kid, upbeat and popular will get him a long way in the right job. Does he have any idea of what he'd like to do career wise? For the time being, I would just concentrate on supporting him as much as possible to get those GCSE’s that he needs.

I agree with that, I think I would just like to see him put in a bit of effort because I know if we start giving him money he will definitely not get a job, whereas I have hope that if he wants to get the bus it might encourage him to find a little part time job, which we could then top up. I think the work ethic thing is a big one for me, I want him to earn money and learn the value of it, and not just expect handouts.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 04/11/2024 19:40

Does he have any money if his own, does he go out with friends, who pays for all that, his clothes, phone, Xbox, toiletries.

AtlantisDiver · 04/11/2024 19:40

How does he socialise with no money ?
How will he learn to budget with no money ?
Can you give him some of the child benefit ?

I had a PT job from 16

What are the entry requirements to join the Armed Services ?

Is he suddenly going to magically turn into a fully functional adult when he reaches 18 ?

Jessica167353 · 04/11/2024 19:39

Based on your explanation and the options available it sounds like you are not being unreasonable.

RecycleMePlease · 04/11/2024 19:38

No - I think he needs to understand that adulthood is fast approaching and actually reach for something himself.

Original poster
spongecanary · 04/11/2024 19:38

Pebbles16 · 04/11/2024 19:35

@spongecanary I mean this kindly, but you are doing your son no favours. It's time to get tough. If, indeed, he is capable, he gets his GCSEs as a bare minimum. He gets a part time job and then starts learning how to be useful: at home, in his education, in his life.
You are currently nurturing a lad who will not be able to survive in the real world

This is what worries me, he says he wants to move out at 18 but has no idea how to manage his life, bills etc. I say to my partner we need to stop mollycoddling him and doing everything for him because he will be 18 soon and he has no idea. At 18 I had to juggle jobs, pay bills, budget my money, and there is no way he could do any of that anytime soon. I think there is never any consequences to anything, he didn't get his GCSE s but could still do the college course he wanted, so he doesn't see why he needs them.

OP posts:
VictoriaAlbert · 04/11/2024 19:37

I would definitely give him college lunch money. My 17yo works 2, sometimes 3 weekend jobs but I help him out money wise with lunch at college. It sounds as though college is within walking distance for your ds, I would probably help out with bus money but maybe not every day so he has some days on the bus and some days walking.

He sounds like a nice kid, upbeat and popular will get him a long way in the right job. Does he have any idea of what he'd like to do career wise? For the time being, I would just concentrate on supporting him as much as possible to get those GCSE’s that he needs.

StarSlinger · 04/11/2024 19:36

I think you should at least pay his bus fare while he is still in education.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 04/11/2024 19:35

NeedToGetOutOfThisSomehow · 04/11/2024 19:33

Imo . If he's at college he's a dependant. Therefore parents pay the travel.
I always said whilst I received child benefit for my kids I would pay.

He's got free travel.
He can walk.

Pebbles16 · 04/11/2024 19:35

@spongecanary I mean this kindly, but you are doing your son no favours. It's time to get tough. If, indeed, he is capable, he gets his GCSEs as a bare minimum. He gets a part time job and then starts learning how to be useful: at home, in his education, in his life.
You are currently nurturing a lad who will not be able to survive in the real world

Original poster
spongecanary · 04/11/2024 19:35

Hairyfairy01 · 04/11/2024 19:31

I wouldn't give it. He can walk to college if it's not much further than the distance he used to walk to school. I would make sure things were in the house for him to take to college for his lunch so he can make himself something, but I wouldn't give him money to buy lunch, that's a luxury to me.

Absolutely I have said I will make him lunch every day but again he doesn't want that, he wants to buy lunch. I have always been a take lunch with me person so even that is alien to me as I always try to save money where I can.

OP posts:
titchy · 04/11/2024 19:34

Can he look into joining the army now? Let's face it he's not going to magically get any GCSEs this year. So that's another year wasted. I agree with you though, no handouts. When is he 18?

NeedToGetOutOfThisSomehow · 04/11/2024 19:33

Imo . If he's at college he's a dependant. Therefore parents pay the travel.
I always said whilst I received child benefit for my kids I would pay.

Dramatic · 04/11/2024 19:32

spongecanary · 04/11/2024 19:29

He was only working 10 hours a week through the summer holidays and was earning really good money, he didn't want to pick up any more hours though even when there was the opportunity because again that is his "free time". He was also late / had a couple of days off because he couldn't be bothered. He doesn't seem to understand that it's letting people down if you don't turn up for work. Again, I feel like it might be a generational thing but it makes it hard to know what to do because I have never had that attitude and often juggled 3 jobs even when I was not much older than him. My parents never gave me handouts and I didn't expect them to. I think this is why we struggle because my partner and I had very different attitudes.

Show quote history

No I don't think it's a generational thing, mine is quite focused on getting her A levels and going to uni and is quite happy and willing to do some bits round the house. I do think it's a bit mean to leave him with no bus fare/dinner money though.

CheshireCats · 04/11/2024 19:32

I disagree with pp saying he should get a job to pay for bus fare to college. That is a parent's job to pay travel expenses to college.
I do agree he should get a job and that you shouldn't give pocket money whilst he he won't help round the house. But wages from this prospective job should be for him to spend on hobbies/socialising/bus fares to go out with his friends. Not to pay for his own travel to college.
Incidentally, how far is the journey to college if it's far enough to get a bus to?

Original poster
spongecanary · 04/11/2024 19:32

MumonabikeE5 · 04/11/2024 19:25

How worrying for you. Does he have any aspirations? Any hobbies? what does he want to do with his life? Is he having opportunities to see what is possible if you do well?

He says he wants to join the army, which I think would do him good, but I feel like it's just a pipe dream as I know how hard a job in the army would be and I just don't know if he has it in him to cope with the discipline and hard work.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 04/11/2024 19:32

I'm a bit old school. I had to have a job from the age I could get one of if I wanted money to spend.

However, my Mum would have covered bus fair to a place of education.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 04/11/2024 19:32

I wouldn't give him a penny unless he's at least doing a decent amount of chores.
He shouldn't even really be paid to clean in a house he lives in at 17. He should be doing it naturally.

Gonegirl7 · 04/11/2024 19:32

Nah make him walk lazy fucker.

i had a job from 14 onwards (Saturday girl shop job, pubs, cafes etc) and I’m not even ancient (in my 30s). It’s good to have some of your own money. Whatever you do don’t give him pocket money where’s his motivation otherwise.

Hairyfairy01 · 04/11/2024 19:31

I wouldn't give it. He can walk to college if it's not much further than the distance he used to walk to school. I would make sure things were in the house for him to take to college for his lunch so he can make himself something, but I wouldn't give him money to buy lunch, that's a luxury to me.

Original poster
spongecanary · 04/11/2024 19:30

BrendaSmall · 04/11/2024 19:28

I used to pay for my 3 daughters bus fare and lunch, they used to get some their child benefit money,

Did you expect them to help out around the house, tidy their room etc or would you give them extra pocket money for that?

OP posts:
Weeekender · 04/11/2024 19:29

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. He can't even be bothered helping with small jobs around the house, he needs a reality check as that's not going to help him as he gets older. Lay down some rules with him, some clear boundaries. It's not like you're asking for a lot!

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