17 year old - should we give him money?

I can see you are 100% convinced your child is lazy and always has been. This is very sad to read. It’s not generational. You’ve not raised him to be lazy. So by the process of elimination, there is likely a learning disability that is limiting his ability to pass GCSEs, to manage money, and so on.

This rings true.

Sounds like he’s disengaged with academic education. Same happened to my eldest who moved away, got a job and is very happy. The Army could be the making of your ds.

My point still stands since he has not had regular weekly pocket money from primary age that isn’t linked to doing chores.

What do you mean save him thousands of pounds in driving lessons? As you weren’t paying, you didn’t give him the opportunity to learn how to drive. Most parents cannot teach a kid to the level to pass the driving test.

I can see you are 100% convinced your child is lazy and always has been. This is very sad to read. It’s not generational. You’ve not raised him to be lazy. So by the process of elimination, there is likely a learning disability that is limiting his ability to pass GCSEs, to manage money, and so on.

I have seen some of the mocks he has done

Well then why hasn’t he got a 5? If he’s never done any homework or revision (it doesn’t sound like a new thing) but his teachers still thought he was capable of passing, he should’ve at least passed his English GCSE.

Does he manage his exam time properly, allow the right amount of time for each section and finish all the questions?

If he doesn't need gcse's to join up i can see why he isn't bothered. There's no motivation to do it. I wonder if he can do them when he is in the army? Hard though if that doesn't work out. I feel for you. I hate to say this -don't jump on me - does he have adhd? My son never worked hard but was bright enough to achieve A levels without. Got to uni and he was diagnosed. Came out with a first this year.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's nearly an adult and needs to learn responsibility. You won't be helping him by enabling his lazy lifestyle. You sound like you've got the right idea forcing his hand.

I wonder how has been raised up to that point

I question your idea about this being generational: I lead a team of 120 volunteers each summer.

this year it included 20 16-19 year olds.
almost all of them worked incredibly hard, were focused and followed instruction.

one gave the experience the following review
“ I have never been so exhausted in my whole life, it was brilliant”

I don't think ingrained laziness is a valuable trait in an army recruit tbh.

@spongecanary I wouldn't give him a penny and I'd stop paying for his phone too.

I agree with your opinion but I think the time to get strict was much earlier. You've let him get away with not doing chores for far too long. Perhaps the army will be the making of him because they simply won't take his shit there. I know what I'd do but I don't think you would be that inclined to do that so I'd stick to your guns for now. He doesn't do chores so doesn't get any pocket money. He has to walk if he can't afford bus fare.You can't wipe their arses forever, you sound like a supportive parent, hence the thread but you can't sit the GCSEs for him. Some kids need to fall on their faces before they learn to stand up on their own two feet. Of course as a parent we want to step in and stop them learning the hard way but if that was going to work for your boy it would have already. I'd also be having another conversation with your partner because to put on a united front you need to be on the same page.

You've got to get REALLY tough on this behaviour now. He needs a serious kick up the arse.

I say this as a devoted Aunt with a nephew who is exactly the same. DBro & DSIL are at their wits end with him. He's now in his early 20's, sleeps all day/games all night, eats all the expensive food/treats, makes a mess, rarely showers, barely lifts a finger, and is rude/disrespectful to his parents. He gives not one fuck about his future and is happy as a freeloading pig in shit.

That could be you in a couple of years.

After reading the most recent updates
-fatigued by school day so unable to do homework
-poor impulse control
-screens regulate emotions

There may be an undiagnosed learning disability going on. Dyslexics and ADHD people are often called lazy….

How on earth is he going to be able to move out if he won't even get a part time job the cost of housing food etc won't even be possible

I would pay for bus and lunch but that's it
Is he not focusing enough to pass a higher level on gcse?

This is very frustrating but he does need a reality check on life everyone isn't free

He needs to grow up fast.Nearly 18 and lazy.do not make his packed lunch but provide bread,ham ,cheese whatever he likes,fruit ,yoghurt and a box to put it in.He does his own washing from now on.He learns to cook and clear up.He looks for a part time job.18 year olds are at university and living alone they manage to study,cook and wash their clothes and budget most are more than capable.My GS was just 18 August birthday when he went to university he was brought up to be independent and more than capable.good luck.

“We don't give our 17 old pocket money as he doesn't help out around the house..”

So he has never learned to save and you have framed helping around the house as a negotiable item that he can choose not to do. I think you have created a rod for your own back. You should have been having him do chores for no pay- no one gets paid to help out around the house so why should he? And if he’s never had pocket money, there’s been zero chance for him to learn how to save or the value of money.

”He had a job in the summer and we advised him to save up for when the job ended but of course he didn't listen..”

Well, it was his first time having money so he has no idea how to save. He is like a 7yr old getting pocket money for the first time and spending it all on sweets and comics. Kids that get pocket money from a young age then get financial literacy taught to them by their parents- how to save, how to do research to get a good deal, how to support a charity. It also gives them a fund to explore creativity or start a side hustle.

“We put him on our insurance to try and teach him to drive..”
Lol, most people need actual lessons to learn to drive safely. I respect him for not driving your ten ton death machine to attempt self teach how to drive.

“we really want to instill a good work ethic in him but it's really hard...”
3rd time GCSEs indicates some unmet support need and because it’s not been assessed, and he’s been told he’s just not working hard enough and is lazy, I can see why he has given up. If it was just a matter of more effort, he would have done that by now. You need to find out what is going on.

In terms of pocket money use the foster child rate as a guide so £10 a week for a 17 year old. Unlinked to chores and just for personal spends.

However, I think you've got your head in the sand with all this 'generational' stuff. No 17 year old is happily sitting their GCSEs for the 3rd time. They just aren't so there is something else going on here that needs investigating, particularly if he has always been like this as actually having that black and white thinking of home and school and them not mixing so not doing homework is common in several conditions unrelated to intelligence. 'Laziness' and 'doesnt bother trying' is often linked to struggles with executive function or actually worry of failure and 'you can't fail if you don't try'.

In terms of getting to college, if he has good shoes and all weather gear then let him crack on. Does he even want to be at College if he is still doing GCSEs? What alternatives are there? What does he want to do next? If it's the forces then get him to a careers centre and get the ball rolling, he'll need to put some effort in to be allowed to join even if not academically, he'll need to get fit and prepare for the tests.

I'd maybe buy him a bus pass because he might end up just nit bothering to walk to college. I'd also take him to an army recruitment place and get them to discuss with him what he might need to be able to join up.

So he’s has sat GCSEs in maths and english twice and failed to get a 5 or above. You talk about him not putting in the effort but is it possible that he isn’t capable of getting the results?

I would definitely pay for essentials as he is not and adult yet snd studying but will not pay for entertainment ; will consider removing his xbox if he is such a lazy boy.

i would not wash his clothes, makes his lunch or tidy up his room.

I would definitely pay for essentials as he is not and adult yet snd studying but will not pay for entertainment ; will consider removing his xbox if he is such a lazy boy.

i would not wash his clothes, makes his lunch or tidy up his room.