17 year old - should we give him money?

We didn’t do pocket money, and no they never helped around the house as such.
All I expected them to do was to ensure dirty washing was put in the wash basket, and kept their rooms reasonable tidy.

Has he had blood tests done at the doctors, including iron/ ferritin, vitamin d, b12 etc? Some doctors of “functional medicine” would say there’s no such thing as lazy, there is only lack of energy. What would his energy level / activity level be like if he had eg a couple of coffees?

How far is the walk to college?

My 16 year old lad done rubbish in his gcse and started college Sept to resit them, he absolutely hated it so I told him if he gets a job he can leave.
1 week later (3 weeks ago) he was working 5days aweek and absolutely loves it.
Have you give him the opportunity to leave college if he gets a job or would he still be expected togo?
Education isn't for everyone and given its his 3rd year with gcse am guessing its not for him.

Sorry but nowhere did I say I had a shitty young adulthood without parental support. Circumstances meant we were almost homeless so we all had to step up. I don't begrudge that.

That sounds pretty shitty to me. Most 18yos are just worrying about their next night out, not if they can afford secure housing. If your parents were loving but struggled to provide secure housing could it be that they too had executive functioning issues or learning difficulties that your son has inherited?

No contribution to the household, no participation in household funds.

YANBU.

He sounds like he's not interested in anything- is he perhaps depressed?

When my DS started college I gave him his child benefit directly. This covered his travel by train and lunches - if he didn't budget he had to use his part time job earnings to top it up.

Is this a realistic option for you?

Getting him to school/ college and his lunch (pack up or otherwise) are normal
parent expenses. You should absolutely pay for his college transport and food while studying! Everything else he does jobs round the home or gets a job.

You're going to have a very fractious relationship with him if you carry on like this. He is a child in education and you should absolutely be paying for him. Do you claim child benefit for him?

How far in miles is the walk to college and is it particularly hilly or through a not great area? I wouldn't want to pay bus fares unnecessarily but it does depend how far the walk is and what that the weather is like generally wherever you are. Is buying lunch vs packed lunch doable within family finances? If you can't afford the option then there's no choice to be made. Both the lunches and the bus are things which could be some of the time rather than all of the time. If giving lunch money I would limit the amount to a reasonable amount of food only -I know kids like to buy drinks out but that really is a level of spending which can be classed as luxury.

When you say he has failed his GCSE's twice already - has he literally got none or grades 3 and below? What's he doing at the moment in terms of GCSE's and other studies?

As someone above says I wouldn't rule out ADHD unless he's actually been tested previously- there are quite a number of things you mention which point to the possibility.

Have you established if he's someone who just likes to be at home? It can look like all they want to do is game and that's at home so the desire to be at home can seem secondary but some people are genuinely just happier at home.

In the history of time loads of people have been written off as 'just lazy' when it's not necessarily the case so I would be looking back over the years at home and school to see if anything has been missed in your shoes. Once he turns 18 there's very little you can do to be involved so use the time you've got now while you still can.

I’d encourage him to join up now if being at college this year is not likely to result in any actual qualifications. The army will not tolerate a single second of his bad attitude and if he does frame himself then there are lots of opportunities to learn a trade. I’d really encourage him to look at roles that have transferable skills to civvy life though, there is a big problem with soldiers becoming homeless because they are institutionalised and struggle once they leave if they can’t transfer their trade to a job outside the Army. He would still have to learn budgeting and looking after himself but it might allow him a few years to grow up.
As far as what is reasonable to pay my oldest is 18 and in sixth form - we pay for lunch and half his transport (he runs a car) and he has a part-time job that funds his half and his fun money. If you think your son should be walking and taking pack lunch I’d give him enough for bus fare and whatever you’d spend on a week of lunches and he can choose to walk and save the cash or take the bus and spend it, buy ingredients and take pack lunch or eat at college but not have enough money to eat well for the week. What have you said to him about future support? I think you need to be clear that once he finishes college/reaches 18 he needs to be a self-supporting adult and that he joins the army/gets a job and moves out/if he lives at home he needs to pay x amount. There’s a risk he just ends up doing nothing useful.

It sounds like you had quite a rough start to life if you were required to be so independent so early. If he has your support he'll be able to have a much softer launch into adult life. I think a bit of pocket money for a child who is still at school is neither here nor there and can't see why you're being so inflexible about it. My parents didn't expect me to do specific chores and I had an allowance at 17 but managed to become a functional member of society. I don't think paying children for chores has any link to how well they will do in the future.

Which GCSEs is he resitting? It must be dispiriting failing exams again and again even if you don't think he's depressed. What is he studying at college? I think you need to think about how to engage him with college and if he's not engaged encourage him to find a job. Education is not for everyone and if he's not engaged and being forced to resit exams again and again that like flogging a dead horse. You're not going to get a different result. Let it go and help him feel like he can make his own decisions about what he does with his life. If he's 17 he could join the army now. It might be the making of him. And if it's not support him to try something else. Just because you had a shitty young adulthood without parental support does not mean he has to go through it as well.

2 separate issues.

He absolutely should be doing chores. No negotiation on this. My children have done age appropriate chores since they were 7/8. But equally this is partly on you as parents for allowing it to get as far as it has.

You absolutely should be funding his bus fares to get to a place of education. That’s part of parenting a child who is still a child of compulsory education age.

In your situation no, I'd not give him money. If he had to get the bus as the only way to get there then yes, I'd expect the parent to pay. I'd provide lunch foods he can take from home but not buy out.

However, I would probably give bus fare on bad weather days, depending on the length of the walk.

You need to move to the middle of nowhere like me - my 17yos were desperate to drive lol.

I know you've said he doesn't have ADHD but he does sound like he has a lot of overlapping traits with people with inattentive ADHD or what used to be called ADD. These are more stereotyped to girls and boys are thought of as hyperactive so it's not always as obvious as hyperactive ADHD. Before I saw this comment that was my immediate thoughts.
Whatever is going on this isn't 'typical' behaviour and I would encourage to explore more why, whether that's trying to speak directly to him or encouraging him to speak to a counsellor at college if they have them.

Can he join Army cadets? (You could offer him pocket money for that)
You may find that other adults in that setting would get better results from him.
The discipline would certainly help the laziness.

You say he doesn't have ADHD, but how do you know? Do you not realize that just about everything you've mentioned is a trait/output of a symptom, its literally a tick box of ADD signs it really is.
However if he is serious about joining up don't bother looking into it (although expect you wouldn't, easier to think of him as lazy and disengaged) because it is often a bar to joining.

I would give him the money for the bus to support his education. I know that parenting a teenager is so hard and stressful. The bottom line is that you can’t make a 17 year old do anything that they don’t want to, just be as supportive as possible so I would pay for the bus. Appreciate the small things, at least he wants to go to school/college.

You should be paying for bus fares and lunch. He shouldn't earn that through chores.