17 year old - should we give him money?

Edit: also I can’t believe he rings for lifts from college because he “can’t be bothered” to walk and you say sometimes yes! That’s so entitled of him!

I think the bus is a red herring really as I would expect a young fit person to walk that distance anyway apart from the odd day when it’s pouring with rain. If he can’t be arsed then that’s his money to waste not yours. At his age if given it I probably would have taken the bus money and walked instead to save it up for better things.

He does need to learn to pull his weight round the house now but I’m not sure how you force it. I would definitely stop doing his washing if you haven’t already. He’s old enough to do that himself.

i would then make clear a list of expectations around the house and what he is expected to do. But very defined like, cook dinner on Tuesdays for the family, make one/two days “his” dishwasher day, hoover on Thursdays etc. When he fails on his tasks you stop doing anything for him except bare minimum. No lifts, stop paying for his phone and block his gaming devices from the router.

I would encourage him to see if he can sign up to the army now. I’ve heard horror stories about how long their recruitment can take so you may as well get him on that track if that’s what he wants and then he can decide whether to delay and sit GCSEs or just go straight in when they’ve actually processed his paperwork.

Consequence isn’t going to work on him, it never has before because he likely has at least one learning disability.

You seem oblivious to the fact that ADHD inattentive type literally means what appears to be “every aspect of his life,…a half arsed attempt to do it as quickly as possible because he can't be bothered.” the usual outcome when an undiagnosed kid has grown up to age 17 with zero assessment, zero support, zero medication, and zero understanding.

I strongly strongly recommend you at least get him assessed.

Maybe giving him a set budget that isn't enough for both would help him start to think about it properly. He could choose one or the other and start to make those sorts of decisions.

I think it’s a parent’s job to pay for education. That means you should be funding his transportation to school and any required school related expenses. You also need to be sure he has any necessary technology required to do his school work, basic clothing, and basic hygiene items.

Pocket money is for discretionary spending on non-necessities. If he wants to socialize or have higher-end items that would be what he would spend an allowance or his summer earnings on.

That just means their expectations were/are too high, or unrealistic in some other way.

How did they get the idea life should be perfect & easy? It never has been.

Don't use the way things are happening across the world to diminish the lived experiences of people here.

So many kids and young people are massively disheartened because they're watching their parents and older folks struggle NOW, and some realise just how crap the job market is, even with qualifications. There's so much shit for them to deal with, so yeah. It's entirely reasonable for them to feel so depressed about everything.

I would give a college age DS bus fare and lunch money and do but he mostly walks. I don't want DS to get a job as he needs to concentrate on A levels. Plenty of time to get one when it's over in the summer. That said, we can afford to do that and I don't view lunch money as a luxury. The only worry I have is whether it is that healthy or even that nice but for me it is definitely more convenient.

Oh give it a rest. They have it better than young people across 3/4 of the planet and than almost any other time in history

This. My dad grew up with fucking rationing. Babies were fed National Milk, it was rubbish! His dad beat him with a belt if he put a foot wrong cos a lot did then. Everyone had a bad chest from all the smoing a pollution, loads had lost brothers, fathers, uncles in the war.

They had no money. Healthcare wasn't great. Towns & cities were literally bombsites & a lot of housing was very poor and overcrowded. Loads of kids left education with no qualifications at all or barely went in the first place. If you were unemployed you got sod all help.

Kids today in the uk really don't have it that bad.

Honestly he sounds bone idle.

Some people need to hit rock bottom, fail a bit, struggle a bit, to get that kick in the arse they need to motivate them.

I'd sit him down & calmly explain he's old enough to take responsibility for his choices. That you won't bail him out financially/fund him indefinitely, and that his adult lifestyle may well be uncomfortable and frankly crap if he is not willing to work to get educated & earn a living.

Oh give it a rest. They have it better than young people across 3/4 of the planet and than almost any other time in history. Global warming is a threat but so was starvation, bubonic plague or the 100 years war.

I would consider bus fare but there's no chance I'd be paying for him to get lunch out every day of the rest of the family and yourself are packing lunches. Buying lunch out is a privilege and he's old enough to prioritise that if he wants to

My kids are younger but they help at home - like others said they have to help the family in general and then can help more for extra funds if they want something extra. Of course I feed them and they get free buses anyway (I'm on Scotland) but if my high school daughter wants to go out with friends or get new makeup or hair stuff or whatever that's on her and she's 12.

Gen Z and Gen Alpha have inherited an absolute MESS of a world in terms of climate, late stage capitalism, and fascism. A lot of them have resigned themselves to the fact that life is going to be really shit for them, and have given up. Thing is, I don't blame them one bit. We've fucked things up for them badly.

Do you think he would go to college if he had to walk everyday?

I'd pay for transport while he is still in education personally and possibly lunch money too until he finishes college. I think lunch and transport should be separate from doing chores even though he should be helping.

What you are doing doesn't seem to be working, what else are you going to try. I would expect to pay bus travel and lunch and if he walks or takes packed lunch that's a bonus and a saving for him, he can make his lunch if he chooses. If he earns extra that's his to spend on his own things otherwise what's the motivation for work at this stage. It's OK at 17 and living at home to be a bit silly with money, it's a learning curve. Unless you are on your uppers you are trying to impose something that doesn't make sense to him. I think you need to start building bridges and this isn't working.

I think pocket money / allowance and chores are separate issues

My DC get pocket money, with no strings attached

Separately, they're expected to do chores and pull their weight in the house

Check out intrinsic / extrinsic motivation if you're interested. In short, doing chores cos they need to be done is better than doing them for external reward (pocket money)

That sounds hard OP. Very much doubt he will make the effort to join the army if he can't even feed the fish, he's going to need some kind of wake up call. I'd make him walk, he needs some consequences to his actions, he's on a pretty hopeless path and just paying for him won't help. But I suppose the fear is he will stop going. Wish you could just give some people a shake.

Has he been screened for adhd? Sorry to persist 😊 - I was giving you the example of my son, not to brag but to say with the correct mentoring and possibly medication their lives can be turned around. I was despairing of my son and his "laziness" and now I could weep for the wasted time before he was diagnosed. He got the first job he interviewed for in the subject he graduated with. He is flourishing now.

I think you are being unreasonable to not pay for his bus, I do think parents should pay transport to college. but not unreasonable about pocket money. I'd be making sure that my son did help at home though, even if it means repeating yourself until he does it and I also would not allow him to sleep all day or sit playing Xbox for hours, I'd just switch it off.

I have always thought that I’m particularly stingy with paying for things for my 17 year old compared to most of mumsnet , but I do think that bus fair and lunches should be paid for by the adults until they are 18/ finished that second year of college/ six form . (this doesn’t mean loads of money every day- a sandwich from home is still lunch )

it does sound like your son is lacking motivation. I don’t know how to suggest you support him, I know what helped my daughter about 18 months ago was looking at college/ university courses so she could get a better focus on what she wanted to do. We toured lots of campuses until she was excited.

she pot washes in a pub on a weekend for pocket money - this buys her the stuff she wants like clothes , days out with friends and junk food - none of which I pay for (with the exception of a few basic needs clothes- not normally designer- that’s what she spends her own money on if she wants them bad enough)

I think it’s given her good motivation to work- however she also does sod all around the house which is a bugbear- so I don’t have all the answers either ! However while she is doing three days at college, a day in placement and two afternoons pot washing- I’m not diying on that hill

Who decision is it for him to sit his GCSEs for the 3rd time?

Maybe it's time to gave up and follow a different path. An Apprenticeship or job he is interested in?

Not all kids are made to sit exams.

With my children (who sounded similar!) I sat daily tasks that had to be done - past papers, questions - around an hour a day. I learned the syllabus and coached them through it. It was painful but we got the results. Basically the wifi was off until the work was done.

If the walk can be done in less than 30 minutes I would make him walk.

With no skills or qualifications he’ll get the dregs of the roles in the Army. They’ll try to get him some sort of trade, but he’ll be last in the queue for choices and the default will be Infantry soldier. He’ll be bottom of the food chain and it will be really hard going. Might be the making of him, but it could break him. I’d really discourage a kid with no qualifications and no motivation!