Page 2 | Considering leaving my career for a job.

Givemethreerings · 04/11/2024 19:58

I hear you OP! I managed to ride out a very similar situation with the help of a full time nanny. It was hard. But now I’m glad I stuck with it.
Are you in the private sector? Are there less demanding roles in your sector?
Could you keep a career job but move to something more flexible, mostly WFH, but still senior, fulfilling and making good use of your talent, skills and experience? Public, charity sectors?
Take a paycut but keep the career development with option to step back in eight years?
Or both you and your husband drop to four days a week. I knew a high flying career couple who did this and it worked brilliantly for them. Only three days of childcare needed.

Original poster

Cheepcheepcheep · 04/11/2024 19:55

Purplewarrior · 04/11/2024 19:53

Could you look for a job that’s completely WFH?

I could, although they’re exceptionally rare in my area (think client focused in the City).

OP posts:

Purplewarrior · 04/11/2024 19:53

Could you look for a job that’s completely WFH?

Original poster

Cheepcheepcheep · 04/11/2024 19:50

lollylo · 04/11/2024 19:24

As I always say, YOU, aren’t earning £400. The fees are family money and are deducted from the mother and the father’s salary. Don’t give up your financial standing and independence. You don’t know what is down the road, even if you think you are happily married now. Been there and done that and my split was much easier because I had my good job and a salary. And if you’re with someone who thinks you aren’t earning anything per month because of the fees, you may also be with someone who doesn’t treat you fairly financially in other ways.

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I appreciate the point, I really do and this isn’t some sort of mad ‘his and hers’ split - all our funds are pooled for everything. It’s more the fact that I’d love us both to do 50% of our jobs for 50% of the salary, but practically that doesn’t translate to the jobs we do.

We have a very happy marriage but actually whenever I’ve ‘thought experimented’ what would happen if we split, stupidly the low paid local job would then become an essential rather than a ‘better’ option!

OP posts:

lollylo · 04/11/2024 19:24

Cheepcheepcheep · 04/11/2024 18:59

Two DC, aged 4 and 2. 4 is due to start school in September 2025.

I currently bring home £3.5k a month, DH £4k (after pensions). At the moment, when you factor in my commute costs plus childcare I’m making about £400 profit - not inconsiderable but a piffling amount for the responsibility of my role.

Nursery is 8am - 6pm and we flex hours - we’re a 45m train from home when in the office, and need to allow 1.5h from nursery to desk and vice versa. So if we both have to be in I do drop off and get to desk 9.30, DH gets to work 8.30am so he can leave 4.30 to do pick up.

We’re barely surviving. No spare cash and never any time for doing anything that isn’t work or childcare.

When DD starts school it’s going to be insane. At best, if we can get her in after school and breakfast club (which I hate the idea of after a long day learning) we’re going to be pelting to get both before pick up/in time for drop off and getting to work. We both theoretically can work from home 2 days a week but it has to be around client demands so I can’t guarantee that we could have 4 days of one of us WFH (so only one day a week is insane). There could easily be 3 days a week where we’re trying to pick up both before 6pm.

Like I say we are already exhausted and when school starts it’s going to be 1000 times harder.

I have a degree and a professional qualification but jobs in my area only exist in major cities. Can’t move further into London (can’t afford it and wouldn’t want to, we have family here). Can’t do my actual job locally. I’d need to go back to secretarial/PA stuff that I did when getting qualified. I’m 10 years qualified now and have worked my way up. Would I BU to chuck in everything I’ve worked for?

I’m good at my job and dedicated but I’m not working at even 60% my best at the moment and I don’t think I’m parenting at 60% either, I’m spread too thin.

At the same time, I’m a feminist, I’m bright and I know I’ll need the pension. And that in 12 years this won’t be a factor (very far away mind!) This feels insane on £110k pre tax take home but I can’t see a solution other than me taking a much lower paid local job.

As I always say, YOU, aren’t earning £400. The fees are family money and are deducted from the mother and the father’s salary. Don’t give up your financial standing and independence. You don’t know what is down the road, even if you think you are happily married now. Been there and done that and my split was much easier because I had my good job and a salary. And if you’re with someone who thinks you aren’t earning anything per month because of the fees, you may also be with someone who doesn’t treat you fairly financially in other ways.

Original poster

Cheepcheepcheep · 04/11/2024 19:20

Really appreciate the response.

Reason for living where we do is one very ill parent and the other parent being a carer for them, so no support but only way to maintain a relationship. Sibling lives nearby with a very new baby - scope for some mutual support in the future but certainly not for the next few years. Not sure how nursery nearer the commute would be better - it’s 8am drop off, 8.20 at the station (10m drive, 5m parking, 5m contingency), 8.30 train, arrive London 9.10am, desk for 9.30. So short of taking DCs on a packed commuter train and finding a nursery in the City, I think it’s a non-starter!

Childminder or nanny - would be prepared to carry the cost (although it would mean we’re back to me making minimal profit for working for over a decade, and given unpredictability of WFH we’d be paying that to sometimes not use it). But it still has the issue that when they’re not in the same setting whoever is picking up can’t be in two places at once.

Agree that prospect of career break should be carried equally but DH earns more and the best paid family friendly jobs locally (PA etc) he has no experience of, whereas I’ve 5 years of doing it (admittedly a decade ago but still in the same sector)

OP posts:

Whyherewego · 04/11/2024 19:07

I hear you. This seems punishing schedule and very stressful. I did a consulting job when DC were little.
We compromised on size of house etc so we could live centrally so I was 30 mins from office and also near major train stations so could get to client site easily. Even then we had wrap around child care (nanny) to pick up, make kids dinner and supervise hw until we got home.
I know you said family are nearby, can they help? I mean otherwise what is the point of being near them? Id move to somewhere that works better for one or the both of you commute wise.
We split it so my (ex)H left early in the morning and then I worked late and he'd get home to relieve nanny. We were lucky in that it meant we could both work long days but there was a parent until around 0830 and from about 1830/1900 just not both necessarily. Could that work? Or can you find a childminder to sort DC1 pickup?
I'd look at getting a nursery nearer your commute, it seems if you've got a 1.5hr door to door to nursery that's just impossible so can you make that more convenient?
Otherwise yes you're looking at one of you getting a career break to accommodate. Does it have to be you? Will you be able to find something? And how will you feel in a few years time after the break....and going back k?