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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need help with my lazy partner

132 replies

Random111 · 04/11/2024 18:20

Hi everyone,
How do you cope with a lazy partner?
I really just need a hug at this point. Please be kind. I am so fed up and feel so exhausted.
We have 2 children, he feels like a 3rd. He does not cook and refuses to eat my meals because he wants to order a takeaway. He works in fast food so he eats takeaways all day everyday. I have told him this is possibly an addiction- he doesn’t want to know. He does not clean or help clean, or will huff if I ask him to do something. The house is overwhelmingly messy, and I can’t clean 24/7 with a new born. I have to ask him to do basic hygiene like brush his teeth or shower. He does not take the children out, or play with them unless I go out too and he is super strict on the eldest child in which is not biologically his( but he raised him).

If we talk about things I am upset with, he will either not say anything or tell me I tell him what to do all the time and tails to an argument.

He does work full time, yet will set off an hour before he starts (15 min drive) and will stay for up to an hour after his shift finishes. He will get up on a morning 40 minutes before his shift starts and head off. He hardly sees the children and I could have been up since 4/5 o'clock (am) at this point when he starts at 10/11am. He doesn’t contribute financially but boasts about all the money he’s earnt. How can I get it through to him that this is not right. Would you stay together just for the children or put yourself first? My eldest is old enough to know what is going on so I haveto be careful about what happens. Thankyou, please be kind I am at my wits end and feel very lonely.

OP posts:
RecycleMePlease · 04/11/2024 19:42

You have to ask the man to WASH HIMSELF

OP, this isn't salvageable - if he won't even wash, what on earth makes you think he can take on any other adult/parent/partner responsibilities?

GiddyRobin · 04/11/2024 19:41

Random111 · 04/11/2024 19:25

hi all, I am not sure on how to reply to comments so I hope you can see this. Regards to the questions. The relationship has not always been like this. It’s in the past year that this has happened and it’s gone so downhill. Financially- Due to past events we had to move back in with my parents, we currently still live there while I save for a house deposit. The house is owned so we pay our share in the bills. He pays his half. He does not pay for anything for the children, food shop, school trips etc. I pay all that. It is an extremely rare occasion if he does and usually that is because I’ve pulled him up on something. Eldest- I would like to say that he has NEVER hit the children. I believe that came across wrong. I am a gentle parent, my eldest is an extremely lovely and loving child. My partner is just very snappy and stern with him. Kicking him out- It’s a lot more difficult than that. His parents are not close by. He would not financially be able to cover his own back as renting costs are too high. I could not tell my children I made their father homeless. I also just want to say that he was once an amazing man, loving, great father and my home. I am very saddened that it has led to this. I’m just not sure what has happened in this past year and I am just holding onto hope that he goes back to how he was really. Thankyou for all the replies and for being kind. I appreciate it so much X

Who cares about his living situation, he's a drain on you all and he'll have to be a big boy and look after himself. Many women do it, there's no reason why he can't.

He's draining you. He's wasting your life, and is a disgusting role model for your children.

omgWhatAmIReading · 04/11/2024 19:40

I put YABU because I think YABU to be still there putting up with this. I know you don't want to leave him, but he will not spontaneously grow up, and by keeping him around you're also affecting what your other children see as normal adult behaviour and relationships.

Mugcake · 04/11/2024 19:40

Genuinely never said this before but leave him. What does he bring to the relationship?

Random111 · 04/11/2024 19:39

gladpurpledog · 04/11/2024 19:00

Why did you decide to have a child with him?

I have to ask him to do basic hygiene like brush his teeth or shower.

Seriously!? 🤢

He was not like this when we decided to have baby 2.

OP posts:
Patienceinshortsupply · 04/11/2024 19:36

A valuable lesson in life OP is that you have to love and accept people for who they are, and not what you want them to be. The fact that he's behaving like this in your parent's home is even more shocking. They must look at you and want to cry that you're letting your standards drop like this. It's easy to get rid of him - he's working, so he sorts his rent out. His is NOT your responsibility, he's a grown man. Talk to your parents and make a plan to shift him.

User37482 · 04/11/2024 19:36

And trust me your eldest is not benefiting from his presence. You aren’t giving him a dad you have given him a bully.

User37482 · 04/11/2024 19:35

Random111 · 04/11/2024 19:32

In addition, i would really want it to be my last resort to split up. I would like advice on how to support our relationship. Counselling etc. is it worth a try? Does it work? Could he be changeable into what he was before? I honestly can’t say enough how such of a great man he was. If I was to see me writing this 5 years ago, I’d be in disbelieve.

No, because decent men who are worth the effort just don’t behave like this. At the bare minimum they expect to contribute financially towards their own child and share in their care. If you have to go to counselling to get him to pay his own way, have a shower and notice he has children it’s a lost cause.

Wimberry · 04/11/2024 19:35

OP, please read back what you've read - 'never hitting the children' is setting the bar so, so low for them.

He treats the eldest child differently - that's scapegoating him. That's not ok.

You're not responsible for his finances and housing him, HE is. He might struggle to rent a house but if he's working he'll be able to afford a house share. Please don't justify keeping an emotionally and financially abusive man around your children because you feel reasonably for looking after him - he's an adult!

RedHelenB · 04/11/2024 19:35

Seems like the problems started when you moved in with your parents. You need to talk to him about how he's feeling.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/11/2024 19:35

He doesn’t contribute financially but boasts about all the money he’s earnt.
He has the money. It's not like he is using it on his family unit...

Estate Agents/Lettings do house shares. Or he can become a lodger. Either way his housing is not your problem but him abusing you certainly is. Get rid today.
https://www.spareroom.co.uk/

User37482 · 04/11/2024 19:34

Why is he not paying towards his child. You wouldn’t be responsible for being homeless he would be responsible for making himself homeless christ do not not but a home for him to squat in.

How long have you been together? he’s not an amazing father is he, he’s mean to your eldest and you have a newborn who he’a shit with.

SnoopysHoose · 04/11/2024 19:33

Kicking him out- It’s a lot more difficult than that. His parents are not close by. He would not financially be able to cover his own back as renting costs are too high
NOT YOUR PROBLEM, he's made himself homeless by being useless as a father and partner.
He boasts about all the money he has, he can use that to rent a flat.
Also, why is it only you saving a deposit?
Honestly, he's a waste of space, tell him to go.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 04/11/2024 19:32

He contributes nothing financially
He has a job that's going nowhere
He can't do personal hygiene
He contributes nothing emotionally or physically at home

Just tell him to leave!

Random111 · 04/11/2024 19:32

In addition, i would really want it to be my last resort to split up. I would like advice on how to support our relationship. Counselling etc. is it worth a try? Does it work? Could he be changeable into what he was before? I honestly can’t say enough how such of a great man he was. If I was to see me writing this 5 years ago, I’d be in disbelieve.

OP posts:
SUPerSaver721 · 04/11/2024 19:29

Who cares if he has no where to go. That's for him to sort not you. Show your eldest you don't treat women like he's treating you. he's Useless and brings nothing to your life. What do your parents think of how he treats you and your oldest son?

Random111 · 04/11/2024 19:25

hi all, I am not sure on how to reply to comments so I hope you can see this. Regards to the questions. The relationship has not always been like this. It’s in the past year that this has happened and it’s gone so downhill. Financially- Due to past events we had to move back in with my parents, we currently still live there while I save for a house deposit. The house is owned so we pay our share in the bills. He pays his half. He does not pay for anything for the children, food shop, school trips etc. I pay all that. It is an extremely rare occasion if he does and usually that is because I’ve pulled him up on something. Eldest- I would like to say that he has NEVER hit the children. I believe that came across wrong. I am a gentle parent, my eldest is an extremely lovely and loving child. My partner is just very snappy and stern with him. Kicking him out- It’s a lot more difficult than that. His parents are not close by. He would not financially be able to cover his own back as renting costs are too high. I could not tell my children I made their father homeless. I also just want to say that he was once an amazing man, loving, great father and my home. I am very saddened that it has led to this. I’m just not sure what has happened in this past year and I am just holding onto hope that he goes back to how he was really. Thankyou for all the replies and for being kind. I appreciate it so much X

OP posts:
abouttoturn50 · 04/11/2024 19:21

Stay for the kids?? You need to LEAVE for the kids! And for yourself!

Nothatgingerpirate · 04/11/2024 19:20

Fuck me.
What do you need help with, chucking this pig overboard?
🙁

Dearg · 04/11/2024 19:18

You ask ‘Would you stay together for the children?’

Why? You say he does not see them, he does not support them, he does nothing to help.
Your children need role models - he is not doing that successfully either.

Seriously, you do not need our approval - just bin this slob.

netflixfan · 04/11/2024 19:15

The children will be thrilled when he goes!

itsmylife7 · 04/11/2024 19:11

What is the purpose of him ?

What does he bring to the relationship/ household ?

As far as you've said the answer is nothing.

Don't fall in to the trap of better to have a man than not.

Catza · 04/11/2024 19:10

He is not your partner. He is, at best, a sperm donor. You decided for some unknown reason to have a child with him but it doesn't meant that you now need to provide him with free accommodation. He's done his part and he can leave now.

QueenBitch666 · 04/11/2024 19:08

Is there actually any point to him?
You're better off single

Deadbeatex · 04/11/2024 19:05

Ok you've listed the negative. Can you list the positive? Does he bring anything positive to your life/your DCs lives? If you can't list any positives or if you can only list a couple that don't outweigh the negatives then you need to seriously consider leaving. Not just for yourself because you deserve more but because think about what you are modelling for your DC, one of whom is old enough to understand what's happening and think this is what a healthy "partnership" looks like