I need help with my lazy partner

OP you asked people if they would stay or leave and people have given you their advice.
Some lt what you've said could be seen as depression but other things like leaving home an hour early and staying late don't suggest depression and nore wanting to skip out of responsibility as does the bit about noasting what he earns without contributing. Those things sound positively nasty tbh and that's why you've received an overwhelming amount of advice to leave him.

If you wanted only wanted suggestions on making it better than you'd need to specify that.
But I think a lot of it is from a good place because he doesn't sound very pleasant or supportive to you.

Do you think he's depressed? I'm no expert but it sounds like it.

Maybe you could tell him things need to change and maybe make a list.
And if they don't he'll need to find somewhere else to live.

Once you've given him that option it's his choice to fight for you and your family or not.

Maybe not couple counselling maybe just counselling for him?

Good luck

@EalingLucy
on another note, can I ask why you quoted the full OP?
you can just tag a poster by using @ followed by their name

No worries - people are really horrible here (not all, but a lot). I’m afraid a lot of people are put off posting as no matter what they say they are attacked.

Hope you got some useful advice. Interesting it’s a new thing - a proper talk is needed and maybe being really honest - ie you are thinking of ending it if this doesn’t change.

I'm so glad you found my comment helpful 😍 You’re clearly doing your best,💖 and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Hang in there, you’re not alone, and it’s okay to need a little extra support sometimes💞

Honestly I think you're being unreasonable to consider staying with this man child as a kindness to your children. He sounds a terrible role model and apart from a little playtime is contributing nothing to your family.

A first pregnancy together is a very common time for an abusive partner to begin showing their true colours as they feel they have you captive. I've been there, it didn't get any better no matter how much I tried or how much effort I put in to "supporting" him.

If I was you I'd be preparing yourself for a life without him, if he's a genuinely decent person there would be no reason you couldn't work on your relationship while living apart. But that constant snapping at your eldest and treating them differently will erode their confidence she self esteem faster than you notice it.

The fact that he finds difficulty in his hygiene tells me he may be depressed and is struggling to cope with the life changes

Yeah mayne he does have depression but what is he doing to fix it? Fuck all! My DH has depression and anxiety, got himself to the GP, takes his meds and did his counselling. He doesn't take it out on me or DC, he isn't lazy round the house, he pulls his weight and contributes financially

It’s unfair for your kids to keep this abusive freeloader in your house

Love, to put it bluntly, if any of us had a magic wand to wave to turn a lazy shit into a productive and helpful partner, we wouldn't be on here, we'd be lounging on our private islands.

Nothing you've written suggests that he's depressed or anything other than an avoidant man child. He's literally avoiding spending any time with you or being called on to do any parenting whatsoever. He's got you where he wants you and let the mask slip. This is the real him.

You can't work on a relationship by yourself. There is no hope for this one.

I hope you’re not getting flamed for being with him in the first place but suspect you are. Ignore them.

honestly, this sounds like he has serious difficulties with even the most basic responsibilities in life. He’s not fit to be a dad, of partner.

you can give him one more go - write down everything you need in exact detail. Give him a month to turn it around.

he won’t tho.

I think it’s too bad to fix and you need to leave him. It’ll be one weight gone.

in sorry, this sounds awful.

If you want to stay with him then he needs an ultimatum - step up bloody sharpish or find somewhere else to go.

You definitely need to address this situation before you buy a house with this man. You thankfully have the upper hand at the moment and can easily kick him out, that won't be so easy when you share a house. This needs addressing because you cannot continue to live your life this way.

I suggest you ask yourself the question what reasons are you staying together.

The only reason I read is guilt .

As for counselling etc … One thing I learnt is you cannot make a marriage / relationship work if only one person is trying .

You need to protect yourself and your children ..

If the best thing I could say about my partner as a father to our kids was that he didn't hit them I think I'd give up and go it alone. Get rid of him. He's bringing nothing positive to your life and your children will grow up thinking this is how a man behaves.
Maybe it does all stem from living with your parents but if that's the case he should grow up, open his mouth and have a conversation about it, if he can't even do that then he's not much of a partner.

I’m sorry but at some point you have to take responsibility and own the fact that you enabled this.

There is absolutely nothing positive about him. Nothing.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this especially with a full load already. It is hard because support doesn’t exist, and it seems exhausting.

Perhaps doing a few things a couple of non-negotiables with him might work, taking on some tasks or providing a bit more financially. A partnership that feels like one should be one you deserve

Leave him. Seriously.

He won’t change!

why are you saving for a home and paying for everything? So what if he is paying half of bills? He is a cocklodger, get rid!

Me too. I want to be kind op but you've allowed this, and you've had kids with him. I would never stand for this, let alone tie myself to such a waste of space with children.

I would like advice on how to support our relationship.
Relationships take two people to make it work and he is not interested in doing that. You cannot change another person ever. But you can change how you react to what they do. So don't bother tying yourself in knots trying to be the best person ever - because it won't work. He doesn't like you anymore but he can't be bothered to leave. Make that decision for him.

Counselling etc. is it worth a try?
You should never have counselling with an abusive person. He has shown classic abusive tendencies.

I honestly can’t say enough how such of a great man he was.
Was. He isn't great now but he is abusive. Remember, he is CHOOSING to abuse you.

By the way did you know that these type of men tend to show their abusive side when they think their partner is trapped and unable to leave the relationship. This is usually either in pregnancy or after they have given birth. Remind me again the ages of your children...