To feel pissed off with DH?

Ha ha! Fair point lol. I saw it in trending, opened it up and reading the OP I was thinking of seen a very similar thread before…. Then I realised it was just the same one.

Why does Mumsnet randomly chuck old threads back into active? It happens too often
for it to be genuinely someone stumbling across an old thread and commenting on it without realising. And of course, once one person comments again, it goes back into active now…

Procrastinating about it for 12 months before doing anything seems entirely in keeping with the topic.

Any particular reason we’ve started this thread back up again from last year?

He’s no more of a cocklodger than a woman who didn’t work/worked PT when the kids were younger but refuses to work more now they’re older. The answers are skewed because MN thinks it’s fine for women to do this but not men. If he was like this when you met, was the primary parent when they were younger and does 70% of household stuff now, then I can’t see what the issue is. Of course the higher earner is going to subsidise bigger outgoings, that’s the deal when you join finances.

I can see why you’re pissed off about the curtain rail though.

Doing you own DIY is stressful, if you make a big mistake you have to sort it out. Doing someone else's DIY is stress free.

Ditto if you get someone in. They're charging for the job. If they cock it up, it's your problem. Plus they have zero incentive to do it tidily.

So, rightly or wrongly, not wanting to get someone in, procrastinating over DIY, but being willing to help others is totally understandable.

Doesn't help you much!

Yanbu

I think the point is here that for someone to be a SAHP/ very part time/ person of leisure it has to work for both parties and everyone has to be happy with it. That he can’t even be arsed to go to the tip and sort out kids appointments just says it all.

Its called impression management.

Genuine question why do some people save the best parts of themselves for those outside of their family?

I think I’d be a much lovelier person if I was getting such an easy life as he is instead of being irritated, stressed, tired and guilty 🤣

Absolutely not. As a man. He's no man. You married a lazy freeloader. My wife and I don't earn that much and that limits how fast I can do tasks as we have to save for them but if something needs doing it gets done! I'll work extra hours to make our ends meet. We also have a 2 year old so.... yeah. Tragic excuse of a man.

"If you ask a man to do something, he will do it - you don't need to remind him every 6 months"

My friends favourite joke 😃
Get someone in to preserve your sanity. He hates DIY, but he likes his friend.

“He could earn more, but doesn't work many hours and very much values time not working. Fine”

This doesn’t sound fine. Sounds like you’re funding a grown man to sit on his arse. Don’t be a mug.

I’d probably assume that they’re not doing DIY. They’re in the pub, watching sport, playing golf, or something else.

Are we married to the same man?

What's his retirement plan?? Live off your pension no doubt... Part time is fine with school aged children in fact I think it's ideal to have one parent part time.

However as soon as they become teenagers it becomes a choice to let you do all the work. Ask him his retirement plan and see what he says?

I'm repeating myself but... equal leisure time is a great measure of fairness/parity in a relationship. Currently he seems to have oodles more spare time than you. One imagines you wouldn't mind at all him helping his mate if he had done your curtain rail promptly? At the moment he gets to play Mr Generous (with his time) to make himself look good in front of others while neglecting his own family. Not good. I don't think this is about finances at the heart of it.

Sadly OP, you are a right mug and he has landed on his feet with a work horse to do the dirty work of paying for his children.

I hope you don't have a daughter to see what you are modelling?
Would you really want your lot for a daughter?
I sure as hell wouldn't want it for mine!

I can see your frustration.

And I can see his argument about him wanting a less expensive lifestyle that prioritizes having more time. Though I am curious - does he live this on the spending money on himself front as well as the taking time for himself front? It’s one thing for him to want a smaller house but you insist on a larger one, or not want holidays abroad but you insist on family ski trips, but if he also buys a season ticket for the team he supports, has a personal trainer, lots of new footy kit and spends a fortune on going out drinking with his mates, then the argument is a lot less valid.

18 months to do a curtain rail is ridiculous. Him dropping the ball on the kids and letting you pick it up now they’re teenagers seems unreasonable too - have things got worse in the last 5ish years? Is this just a one off moment of frustration for you, or resentment boiling over because he’s been getting worse/you’ve changed.

As a suggestion for changing the dynamic with the DIY, could you suggest he asks a mate round to help him with a DIY day every few months (and he can reciprocate)? Things like that are often a lot less intimidating (and more fun) with someone else there.

Oh I feel you. My partner is exacrly the same, I wait ages for him to do anything, yet a mate will ask and he'll run off there all day or anyone at all and he's there like a whippet, yet I've got to ask a 1000 times and then pretend to get the stuff out to do it my self and then he'll stop me and maybe do it then in the next 6 months.

Our neighbour was moving out, he offered to touch up the paint in their house as it was rented, he spent 2 days repainting the whole thing. I was fuming. The house was being resold and they ripped everything out of it anyways so it was a waste of time... yeah he's being unreasonable and make sure there's a nice list for him to do when he's finished.

If he's pulling his weigh financially then yeah I'd not be too mad him working less hours, but if not then he needs to get him self working. What's wrong with these men lol

Maybe it's not just about helping this guy with the DIY though, maybe he's also supporting him in some other way or just looking for the companionship for a day.
If I ask a friend to come help me with a something, it's only partly because I need help with the task itself but also just because I want the company or some support if it's a daunting thing.

I agree with anyone who has said to bring someone in next time you need something done. Take it off his plate and yours.

Well in that case, he needs to live like that - he doesn't get to use or have any benefit of the car etc.

This is the new strategy it'll get him off his bum! If he gets grumpy just do surprised picachu face. "You helped him, I thought he'd like to return the favor....you can always do it this weekend if you'd prefer?"

I got one like this but he does work full time.The now grown up children still remind him of all the stuff he said he would do and didn't.One of the boys got him a t shirt " if dad can't fix it noone can" he wasn't amused, I thought it was hilarious.
Just get some one in save yourself the grief and do it sooner rather than later.I have left dome things for too long and am having issues because of this.
Plus side we been married for almost 30 years and are happy.Sometimes you just have to accept the things you can't change in someone.

Hahaha do this! Or ask if he can do something else that day he’s taken off. Him: but I’ve taken the day to help Bob. You: you only put up Curtain rails for people when it’s actually their birthday though so you won’t actually be doing it Tuesday? You forget I’ve seen this in action. Or …are you telling me you will only do any diy for me if it’s my birthday but for bob you’ll book a day off and sprint out the door? How do you think I should feel about that? I know how I feel.