To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

Only you can decide how you feel about this ultimately OP, at 40 and with genetic links your chances of having a child with autism are higher than average. But that’s not a guarantee either way.

Part of having a baby is accepting that you are bringing a baby into the world, and that you’ll raise that child to the best of your ability whoever they grow up to be, whatever challenges they may face, however long they may need you. There’s never a guarantee of a perfectly healthy baby in any pregnancy, all any of us do is hope for the best and prepare to be the best parents we can be no matter what come to be. If you truly don’t feel you can cope with that risk and you truly don’t feel ready to love and raise a child, no matter who they may be, then you have a lot of thinking to do in a short space of time.

Do you get in a car worrying you will be in a car crash?
Cross the road thinking a bike will take you out?
Fear long grass will give you Lyme disease?
Worry about food poisoning in restaurants?
Lead in the water pipes
Pension fund
Tories
Left
Global warming

Yes, life is a series of worries but we all negotiate scores of terrifying alternate realities or outcomes every single moment

And this is one of them. A possibility but better than global warming.

Can you access some counselling? Nobody can tell you if your child will have ASD, or another disability or if it will be a child without any additional needs. I had my DC young, no ASD in the family at all. yet I have a severely autistic child and one with HFA. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I never saw it coming but it's a dice you roll if you decide to have DC. Life us hard but we find happiness too. I have to say I find your language towards your relatives with high care needs very unpleasant. I do understand though why people say it's not a life they could cope with. And that's easily sorted: there is only one way to not have a disabled/autistic child: don't have any. You do have choices. I am gonna be honest. Doesn't sound like parenthood is for you esp with a potentially disabled child with high care needs.

how far along pregnant are you?

Hmmm, you wanted this baby and you knew the risks so you’re probably just having a panic and over thinking now that you’re actually pregnant. DS is 4 and on the pathway to diagnosis but simply in case he needs more support further down the line. It matters not one bit to me if he’s autistic or not, he’s absolutely fabulous and I wouldn’t change a hair on his head.
DD is 1 and at the moment shows no signs of being ND but is hard work in her own adorable stroppy toddler way - much harder work than DS ever was.

I am pregnant with our third and I do worry that if this baby is autistic and shows more severe symptoms than DS that it will affect my existing children but I want this baby and we’d cope.

We all roll the dice when we have children, they can be born with any number of issues, become ill, have an accident and become disabled. Worrying is a natural part of becoming a parent but if I were you I’d try not to fixate on this….you can never know what’s going to happen or what the future holds so relax and try to enjoy your pregnancy.

I understand OP. Our child is autistic, probably ADHD, delayed in many areas, need to fight for a SEN school, may need to be supported into adulthood.

After we twigged he was ND, DH and I both suspected we are both ND too. We're both socially introverted, but high functioning though, very academic, high achievers, so it's a little heart breaking that our school age child has no interest in reading. I think our genes must have multiplied the autistic/adhd traits in our child. If I had any idea of how hard life would be now I would have questioned children at your stage too. We're lucky that we have some savings as we can see how hard it is for parents who don't have the means to support their children privately.

But we have adjusted and he is still a joy - I celebrate every tiny bit of progress he makes in life. We'll do anything we can to help him make a success of himself in life, whatever that looks like. I'm also pregnant with my second, with the full knowledge of how hard things are with my firstborn and I'm prepared to do it all again. I think our new baby will be good for our first born too and I very much hope they'll be there for each other.

Parenting has its challenges whatever your child's needs are.
Any NT coupling might have a child with significant needs, whatever the cause.......it's a roll of the dice.
A child can have an unexpected, life changing accident.

To be a parent is to love and to worry.

You will love your child more than you can possibly imagine.

Your life is about to change so drastically in a million different ways, some hard, some breathtakingly beautiful.

Your child will have their own experiences, their own journey, their own ups and downs. You will love them whatever form that takes for them.

For context one of my DC is autistic.

I have a child with a genetic condition and ASD - he's easier than my non autistic child (although I have my suspicions).

Every child whether they have ND or not are different, some are hard, some are chill and everything in-between.

Your life will absolutely change, alone time becomes more challenging especially in the earlier years.

If having a child isn't something you think you can cope with then a termination might be the right choice for you because once they're here, that's it, you have to just get on with it.

That being said, I wouldn't change anything about my life and I was very similar to you.

I have autism and adhd, we suspect dp does. We also suspect our 10 year has autism. This affects her in sensory ways such as noise in particular and some touch, she struggles in social settings but she is also extremely bright and has a real passion for animals and animal facts. She is genuinely the most loving and caring soul I've ever met. I understand the worry, I worry about this myself as we are expecting currently however, autism doesn't always mean the severity of your nieces. Ultimately it is up to you what you decide to do however, this is something you need to be absolutely sure you can live with should you terminate, you don't want the lingering doubt of feeling like you have made a mistake (coming from experience)

Exactly, and you've also waited til you're 40 which makes the risk of something being wrong even worse. Not that I'm saying ASD is wrong btw. I don't think you thought this through at all.

Well it's not a silly worry and is something that should have been taken into account before you got pregnant but you don't have a time machine and sound like you want a child. The chances are that yes, you will have a ND child. How much it impacts their life is a mystery though.

Yes, you will miss your old life at times. Everyone does. Parenting is a (minimum) 18 year experience, filled with different phases, challenges and achievements. View it like that opposed to something you need to slog through and you'll cope much better.

However, you are at an advantage in that you know it is likely, therefore you can prepare for that eventuality. You can look Makaton to improve communication - baby's can sign from 6 months, you can learn about sensory overload/ under stimulation and nip things in the bud before the child becomes overwhelmed. You can focus on implementing parenting techniques that work better on ND (all) children.

Nothing that you put in place that works for a ND child will in any way limit a NT child.

Oh dear, bless you!

pregnancy wobbles are normal and yes you may miss elements of your old life but you can get a lot of it back as they get bigger.

and you may have a child with autism - tbh I never considered that I might, but guess what I do. We’ve had some struggles with him I’m not going to lie but he’s in mainstream school
and quite independent and doing well. I certainly don’t wish I’d never had him.

I am sure you’ll be OK

Those children (your dh's nieces) are not your child. They have been brought up by their own parents and their lives have unfolded over the last twenty years with a whole differing set of circumstances, regardless of autism or no autism.

This is your child. You will love him/her and infinite possibilities await you, but love is pretty much assured. Hang on to that aspect.

My child has autism and ADHD and had two years out of school aged 12 to 14. But, he is full of joy, energy and initiative, has friends, travels, (and studies has studied, has very good qualifications - but that is not to me his most important quality)

This is pregnancy hormones and anxiety. And possibly ADHD anxiety. I share that aspect of my son sometimes.

Please look after yourself. You are growing a beautiful baby.

That you might abort your child for potentially having the same conditions as both sides of the family. That life is as simple as Good autism and Bad autism.

I think YABU.

It's up to you whether you choose to have this life growing inside you terminated.

I mean, there's a strand of men with significant MH problems in three generations of my mother's side of the family -- my mother's father, a son from his first marriage, a son from his second marriage, and my brother. I thought about this a lot when thinking about whether to have a child, and I thought about it again once I knew I was having a boy.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I don’t think this is a straight forward yes or no on being unreasonable. Yes, research shows that the majority of autism cases are linked to genetics and run in families. Yes, advanced maternal age increases the chances of having a child with autism.

But do either of those things mean you shouldn’t continue with the pregnancy? No, and neither guarantees you will have a child with autism, but there’s also no way of guaranteeing you won’t. That’s the risk with any pregnancy, not just with ND but with DS, chromosomal abnormalities, there can be health issues after birth etc. Everybody has worries when pregnant and I do think it’s quite normal to have some anxiety, no parent wants a difficult life for their child, but if you feel you are overwhelmed with worry then please seek help from GP/MH services.

It's also a massive spectrum and can be a very real disability for some people.

Wow. So you make all sorts of offensive reductive comments and then get snarky when someone points it out.