To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

But surely this gave you even more time to think through the implications, both for you as a parent to any kind of child, and of your likelihood of bearing a child with autism?

Nobody can reassure you that you will cope with motherhood, or that you will give birth to a child you can cope with. There's no test.

Do the reasons that you wanted a child in the first place, and spent eight years trying to conceive, stack up against your fears? I was 40 when I had DS and my father is autistic, plus my best friend is married to an autistic man (only diagnosed in his 40s when his two sons were) and the mother of two autistic sons. I thought about the risk before TTC, and decided I would be able to cope with what came.

I think there is a need

accusing someone of ‘waiting till 40’ deserved a ‘shut up.’

No need for the aggressive shut up. If you really did think it through then you wouldn't all of a sudden be wondering if your child would be ND with that family background or questioning to get a termination. I'm sorry you tried for so long and it only just worked out but maybe you need to have a real talk with your DH about whether he's also ready for a child who could quite possibly be autistic too. I wish you all the best as I know it's a shit situation to be in

Honestly I was terrified of having a child with autism, and it was a roll the dice situation. So YANBU.

Me too and I love him more than life itself but these threads are frustrsting as they rarely acknowledge how disabling autism can be for some people.

I found the opposite tbh. Having DC with additional needs wrecked my marriage. Most of my friends with disabled children are divorced/separated. I think it's a far more common scenario.

how far along are you op?

is your partner given how you describe him - someone you’re happy with to be the father of your child?

Your body, your choice. Of course you can terminate for any (or no) reason whatsoever.

I'm in a reasonably comparable situation to you but not pregnant, I wouldn't want to risk it for the reasons you mention but also because I find life hard as it is just trying to look after myself and that's with lots of free time (outside work) and coping mechanisms. I couldn't even deal with a baby crying because I'm very sensitive to noise, having one crying at random times for at least 5 years seems like my own personal torture. But to a lot of people they'd laugh it off and say "nah it's fine, everyone copes!" That's everyone else though, not me.

You are absolutely going to miss your life and getting used to the idea of throwing it all away will help you if you start preparing for it now so it's less of a shock.

This is something a little… scary about you oP

You have told a few people on mumsnet threads to “shut up” when they have disagreed with you or asked a question you don’t like

And when you choose to have a child, that is the dice you roll. Some people regret having children, yes.

It sounds like those in question had parenting issues that don't have to apply to your children. And just bc someone likes video games doesn't mean their life isn't worthwhile. If your child is nd they likely won't experience the late diagnosis that some in your family had.

Does your husband feel happy about the pregnancy? Does he understand you may have a child who is ND? Is he fully committed to parenting a child no matter what?

My job attracts people with ND and it's such a huge spectrum which means I, as a non-ND person, must exercise patience sometimes. But generally I find it no problem. Sometimes the retention of information is patchy, and conversations are a bit chaotic, and there's the occasional obsession with something...but having a diversity of thought processes is actually a good thing for problem solving. I am actually not too suited to my job, my head is away with the fairies, often, so I value colleagues with the ability to focus hard and be extra logical.

OP I wouldn't worry too much. Being ND is more prevalent than you think. My DD said recently she suspected her dDad has ADHD and I see it now. Odd I didn't notice it when I was married to him. My nephew also has traits.

Was just going to write this. No serious medical history behind me or dh, expecting identical twins, perfect scans and boom....first beautiful boy is born sleeping at birth. My second angel died in my arms 3 days later. You never know what life will throw. I wouldn't change having them for a moment though. Becoming their mam was the best thing I've ever done.

You aren't wrong to worry, OP, but the reality is, it's a roll of a dice really.

One way to frame it is that it's because you will MAKE a GOOD and thoughtful parent that you have anxieties and doubts now. Nature is preparing you for your job as a parent by giving your brain new areas of enquiry. Later on in pregnancy progesterone kicks in and you will possibly feel very much calmer.
Every stage evolution prepares us for the future, you are hardwired ATM to be thinking of how to make your offsprings life better a d safer which is why you feel doubts and anxieties . To meet those needs

People don't tend to post on a forum about things that aren't challenging, they post for help.

Me posting about how my autistic daughter is highly gifted, has friends, was always chosen for the public speaking roles at primary, as Mary in the Nativity etc. that's she's predicted all 9s in her GCSEs, that she spoke early and was signing in sentences long before others her age were talking, that she potty trained herself by deciding she wasn't wearing nappies anymore at 2. That she never, ever shows any challenging behaviour, not even as a toddler she never tantrummed, loves rules and does anything you ask her.

That doesn't help a person struggling with their own child who has autism impacting them in a significantly different way, who is incontinent, non-verbal and aggressive.

So just because you don't read positive stories it doesn't mean they aren't out there. My DD still has her struggles around noise, and exhaustion and the busy school environment, food and visiting new places but it isn't insurmountable

I feel like everyone is going to pile on here but I see if that you're just being honest and seeking support, so please ignore some of these replies!

Becoming a mother is hard enough and many people are loaded with all of these same worries about missing their life etc. For some this is extreme and their mental health takes a real nose dive during pregnancy. Antenatal depression and anxiety are real and deserve support. It sounds like you're suffering from both. You can't see the positives anymore despite this being a previously much wanted child. And you're completely overwhelmed with anxiety.

I think the chances of you having a child with such severe autism that they can't enjoy any part of their life is slim. People with autism can, and do, live very happy & meaningful lives. I'm so sorry your DH has found things hard. But that isn't always the case.
I think when you meet your child you will just absolutely adore them, no matter what, and you will be ready to be there for them and support them, no matter what. If they do have autism, they will have the perfect parent who understand being ND and therefore know how to provide real support. Maybe that way they would find it less hard.
Parenting is hard always, so I'm not trivialising that. But if you have wanted to be a mother then I think you should go for it. However, I think you should be referred for support for anxiety ASAP.
If you refer to pregnancy decision making team then you get your discuss your worries with a psychologist and maybe that would benefit you? They can help you decide how you want to proceed? Then hopefully if you go ahead with pregnancy you could get a referral to health psychology asap? Or your local IAPT service? I think you need to talk all of this through with a professional asap.

I think posting on here will sadly only mess with your head more and make you feel ashamed to share your worries!
I really wish you the best of luck whatever you decide

I have a severely autistic child. It's hard work and our life has changed beyond measure but not once have I ever wished he hadn't been born. He is a joy and my beloved son despite how hard it is. The love I feel for him is the strongest feeling in my life. It's made DH and I's relationship really strong and we are happy despite the daily struggles.

So anyone whose opinion you dislike is going to be accused of 'scoffing'?

Ok, as long as we know.

what is your mental health like Op?