To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

My twenties and thirties were difficult too. They are for many people.

I think it is incredibly unfair to accuse OP of narcissistic mother syndrome before she has even given birth
It reminds me of those who used to tell unmarried mothers they were selfish unless they gave up babies for adoption.
Everyone wants a close mother or father child relationship and everyone surely has hopes and dreams of parenthood, that isn't narcissistic...it's just broody/biology

you said his twenties and thirties were very difficult

is that not two decades?

I have to be honest and say it makes me really sad to hear that your main reason for having a child is that you don't want to miss out and you want the closeness of a mother-child relationship.

This seems to me to be the start of being a narcissistic mother, so I think you may need to step back and reevaluate.

The reality is that your child could have any sort of health problem - they could have a genetic disorder, they could be injured during birth or catch an illness/be injured during childhood, all with potential long term consequences.

When we choose to have children, we have to choose to step into the unknown and commit to loving the child and caring for them come what may. If you can't commit to that, then I don't think you should have tried for a baby.

I'm not trying to be unkind here and I am sorry that these thoughts are causing you distress. I hope you can discuss this with your midwife and seek some support.

This is very very true.

Honestly absolutely nobody can tell you.

However, you are pregnant and I think that’s the big difference - you obviously knew the possibilities and went ahead anyway. Whereas I would (and do) take every step available to make sure I would never fall pregnant again.

Just don’t kid yourself that you can ‘parent it out’. I read what you said about your husband’s nieces. I would bet my house that they parented the way they did out of necessity not because they were lazy or permissive. You need to understand that you can’t ’do better’ or ‘fix’ this like it’s a problem. Thinking like that is setting yourself up for potentially a lot of frustration. You need to accept that you can deal with whatever comes your way - and believe that.

However, marriages break up, careers end, etc over parenting ND children. If they can’t cope or are expelled or suspended etc - are you prepared to be a stay at home carer? These are all genuine possibilities, as you’ll see the various boards and Facebook groups.

I have done better than most in as much as I was able to leave a career job that I loved, but still use my qualification at a flexible and less demanding level so I have continued to work - but I have not been able to fulfil my career potential or even get close to it.

That being said though - ten years ago nobody even really realised the link and that it passes in families - if you didn’t know, would you just be happy that you’re pregnant? Because, if it changes anything at all, a large part of me wishes I had decided to have another baby BEFORE I knew, and I am sure I wouldn’t have regretted it. It’s very different looking in hindsight or weighing things up clinically as you are doing here vs just happily enjoying a pregnancy and not trying to imagine what might be..

I have adhd and DH has probably adhd / autism.

Has your DH not had a diagnosis?

I'm ND and have one child with ND and one without. Tbh I find my ND child much easier to relate to. My NT child baffles me a lot of the time. He tires me out with his constant socialising 😂 As an ND person your child being NT might be the bigger challenge. You just can't predict these things. However what I didn't fully understand before having children is was how much you just adore the child you have. I love both of mine equally and fiercely.

Sorry to post again op but my DH has the same genetic condition my son has and is waiting for a ASD/ADHD assessment and he's the best, most wonderful father I could have given my children and he has struggled with his mental health in the past.

Start your own thread to discuss this and stop badgering a pregnant woman who is struggling already.

Logically, as there is a strong family history and both parents are ND, then your baby will be ND too. The first few years will be a huge loss of alone time; very young kids are clingy and need your physical help with everything. It will pass faster than it feels at the time. That happens with any baby/toddler, NT or ND.

Severe anything is a gene mutation and cannot be predicted; it's a roll of the dice that could affect anyone, not just you. The more realistic likelihood is simply that your child will have "normal" ADHD or ASD or a common comorbidity and will otherwise be totally healthy.

So, yea, you're being "silly". I cope with logic (and forgetting stuff; I have ADHD too). Idk about therapy, but I'd guess any counsellor who specialises in anxiety. YANBU but you are borrowing too much fear. The most likely outcome is a child who is a bit like you and a bit like your DH but otherwise lovely and healthy and with as good a chance at a good future as the next kid. Idk if it's the hormones or the unknown but I totally get not being able to believe everything will be okay until the healthy baby actually arrives. It's okay to be scared and anxious. Just don't let it take over completely. Best wishes with the rest of your pregnancy. x

indeed they can

whether they should whilst they are still suffering from said mental health issues is another matter entirely

read how the op describes her husband and his decades of mental health difficulties

this isn’t a man who wants a baby

And people with mental health problems are allowed to become parents. FFS

What is this? Are you hinting at something? Maybe I’m a bit on the spectrum myself but I’ve no idea what you’re on about.

Any pregnancy could result in a child with a profound disability and the need for lifelong care. there is no reason to worry about ASD in particular. It is just one of any number of conditions every parent must be prepared to take on.

Just have to add the standard spiel. There are plenty of us who are very happy being autistic and would not want to be neurotypical. We have successful careers and happy lives. Sure, we may be unusual, but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with us.