To be convinced I’m going to have a child with autism

I understood it was high risk especially as my husband is also older than me. As it is I am suspecting my two year old son might be on the autistic spectrum anyway.

I understand your fears. I had my children young (in my 20s) and one is autistic and the other possibly as well (if not then definitely ADHD). Lots of autism in mine and DH family, but all people who are able to live independent lives, no learning difficulties etc.. Even at this level my experience of parenting is very different to what I imagine/see/hear parenting NT children is like. I would have liked more children but wouldn't roll that dice again especially now I'm older as I know I couldn't cope if they had very high support needs.

IF you have an Autistic child (big IF) they could be verbal, intelligent, highly functioning etc

❤️

Yanbu to be concerned. I was with my second child. My husband was tested for autism a lot as a child, then just assumed to be odd. Grimaces, can't remember faces, easily overstimulated, took maths GCSE early, PhD in physics, builds computers, doesn't make eye contact, doesn't give gifts as not understanding convention etc. He'd probably be diagnosed with autism now but there'd be no point. He's a functioning adult with a job and a family.

Your nieces are likely similar. Really, their parents have dug themselves a right hole there. If they can play computer games I'm assuming their autism isn't that 'severe' (i e., they're not incontinent and non-verbal) and they need to be pushed towards independence by hook or by crook. Luckily you've now seen the results of not pushing young people with mild neuro diversity though, being completely mercenary. Not getting a job or becoming an adult can't be an option, simply because you can't live off your parents forever.

I expect to be piled on too. But there is a big difference between people with 'autism' able to hold a job and type on mumsnet and people who are stuck in a sensory nightmare they can never escape or articulate.

This is such a difficult one, op, as I understand where you're coming from on this. We've been to hell and back with our now 8yo dd's ND, but despite all of that, she's simultaneously the best thing that's happened to me (though I haven't always felt that way). I see the world very differently because of her, and I am grateful to her for that. Mostly, although I don't want to change her, I wish that life was easier for her and her struggles break my heart. Has she changed our lives, not always for the better? Yes. But do I regret having her? Not for a second.

I'm a NT mum, who has had a lot to learn about the ND brain in a short space of time. I'd say you have an advantage, and will know instinctively how to help and support a ND child if you have one.

Yes - she has to sit with that uncertainty and accept that there is nothing she can do right now to find out if a) her child will be neurodivergent and b) if she will cope. In the same way she can’t know for sure if millions of other things may happen to her and her child, I’m not sure it’s helpful to try to problem solve all hypothetical scenarios. The OP is stressed and pregnant, it’s an anxious time and her feelings are valid. Her feelings are not a criticism of anyone else or their situations.

@Plastictrees - but surely, at the end of the day, that's what the OP is trying to determine.

Yes, she has a much higher chance of ND, due to her and her DH's ND, plus her age. She knows that. What she's worried about is being able to cope.

I have to be honest and say it makes me really sad to hear that your main reason for having a child is that you don't want to miss out and you want the closeness of a mother-child relationship.This seems to me to be the start of being a narcissistic mother, so I think you may need to step back and reevaluate.I think this wins the most bonkers statement of the day award.

That’s a pointless question. We often do not know how we’d cope in hypothetical situations. We just have to hope for the best.

I think this thread has been triggering for certain people, in which case they can just scroll on by.

@EalingLucy

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting perspective. I have found NT boyfriends both exhausting and boring with their constant need to socialise and talk! So perhaps having a ND child would be better!"

So maybe the real question you should be asking yourself is if you could cope with a NT child, given you seem to find NT people exhausting and boring! Imagine the uproar if NT people described ND people in similar terms.

OP, you're being very rude to anyone who is challenging you/you don't like the answer they have given.

Quite rightly, what you have written will trigger many people for a variety of reasons. This was a choice YOU made, it didn't just happen to you (how many times are men berated on MN for having unprotected sex as obviously they know the chance of a baby at the end). You knew the risks. This is a choice you made.

At the end of the day, you knew the chances of having a ND child (v high); what you don't - and can't - know is the impact this will have.

You seem very focused on responding to 'positive' responses - saying that sounds doable etc. But these posts are pointless...
You simply have to simply ask yourself - if it happened that you DID have a ND child with profound difficulties - could you cope?

lovely

The OP has said "Kids need to learn to fit around society I’m afraid - it seems lots of parents think the world needs to revolve around them and it does them no favours."

Nice...

I think your concerns are valid and undoubtedly heightened by the enormity of becoming a parent and worries about how your life will change. I had similar concerns when I was pregnant, as autism runs in DHs family. You just have to sit with the uncertainty and accept that whatever happens is out of your control and focus on what you can control - managing your stress and anxiety, relaxation, providing a safe and loving home for your baby. The truth is that there are so many what ifs when it comes to parenting (and just life) and so much that could be difficult but also so much joy. Even in the worst case scenario in your mind, you would cope if that happened because it would involve the baby you grew and know and love, whereas now it’s all just abstract. Don’t let the fear of what if ruin your pregnancy.

Keep an eye on your anxiety as peri/post natal anxiety is very real. It could be worth seeking psychological support before baby arrives to have techniques and strategies in place to manage anxiety. The first year is full of milestones that can be quite stressful if you are vigilant of your child’s development, it’s easy for this to be something to obsess and fixate on. All the best OP!