MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

We always share the itinerary of our RV trips with our sons and keep them updated as to what's going on, especially since we're gone 6-12 weeks at a time and we often decide to switch things up. We sent pictures to them, too. Our oldest son travels a LOT for work and pleasure and he keeps me updated on his flights via an app and usually lets me know where he's staying. We also share 'find my' because why not? It's fun to see what each other is doing. What's the big deal?

No, I'd never call his hotel looking for him. No I never text and say "I see you're at XX place". No, I'd never call him to check up on him. It's just a 'silent' thing and no big deal, for any of us.

Wanting to know arrived safe is perfectly common. Knowing vague information such as name of hotel is also useful. We've seen it in the news this past summer. People go missing, accidents happen. Someone, anyone, knowing what hotel you're at helps in an emergency situation. Whether it be your emergency or trying to reach you in an emergency.

A family member has an emergency and you're not answering phone? They can call hotel if really urgent.

You go out as a family onto an excursion in a rented car and breaks down no signal? If no one knows where you are or what plans were how can the rescue teams know where to look? If you're not contacting anyone how long will you be stranded before anyone comes looking?

Someone having that sort of info in case of emergency isn't a problem itself. It's the anxiety and inappropriate use.

But clearly the DH usually does send a message, and sends his mum the full itinerary of trips, so I don't think this is about the bar being low? He failed to send one message, one time. Regardless of gender he's human, it happens. The MIL calling the hotel is a huge over-reaction.

I agree the bar is low for men in general but I don't think that's what's happening here- clearly the DH usually panders to his mum's anxieties which is part of the reason she is like she is!

It seems to be very popular these days for people to use their anxiety as a means of controlling people.

Whatever happened to "no news is good news?"

Exactly this. All this constant checking, "are you safe?" stuff just reinforces people's unnecessary anxiety. A miniscule number of people fail to arrive on holiday safely (presumably they're not going to a warzone). So the default mode should be "always assume everyone is fine". In the unlikely event of things not being OK, you'll find out soon enough. Much better not to feed the paranoia.

If you read all the OP's posts, the MIL has other anxieties so this appears to be just one example. Just because resources are stretched doesn't mean that she can't get any help at all. It took four months from screening to starting my NHS talking therapies. If someone has a lifetime of anxiety, that really isn't a long wait.

"One quick check, they have checked in - instant relief, life goes on" @SteamingHotTea the thing with anxiety is that in that case, you are teaching the brain that in order to feel relief, someone else has to do something for you. Something that usually is a loving courtesy then becomes a burden on them. And you will often find that that is not enough, you need more and more external reassurance which places more obligations on others to placate you. This is not reasonable and a sustainable way of dealing with anxiety.

A lot of my anxiety stems from intolerance of uncertainty, and my reaction to uncertainty is to try and control and plan to the ultimate degree. Eg, when DH travels for business he usually sent a short text at the start and end of the day, sometimes during the day. It's not something I've asked him to do, but something he does anyway because he loves me and likes hearing from me too. Occasionally he doesn't text, and previously that has sent me into a complete paralysing anxious mess. Even though the rational part of my brain is saying - oh he's probably gone out for a meal with colleagues or had a busy day working late or fallen asleep as jetlag catches up with him. Now I can recognise where the anxiety is coming from and try and step out of it by saying - this has happened before, if something bad had happened I would have heard from his colleagues by now, there will be a completely innocuous reason for this. I have to ride it out and teach my brain that it just has to suck up the uncertainty. It's bloody hard but I've got it down now to a niggling uncomfortable feeling, and if I work at it I can distract myself by keeping busy. What I've never done is ring his hotel to get them to check on him.

We give flight and accommodation details, then text when we arrive and when we get back.

I'm 47, and have lived in 5 different countries, including 2 on the other side of the world. My mother had not one idea of what I was up to, as a letter took 5-7 days from Sydney in those days! She would still like to know where I am, as in "We're going to Italy for 2 weeks in June, flying Easyjet, and staying in Rome, Venice & Florence." I always text to say we've arrived safely, and send a few pics whilst we're away. The family WhatsApp group usually gets the updates.

However, when I drove alone to the other end of the country (Fife - Reading), a couple of months ago, she called a couple of times, and was concerned I didn't arrive until about 22:30 due to a motorway closure. I'm a very safe driver, in a newish, reliable car. Think she just worried about what could happen.

I would possibly suggest to her that you'll send her a text message from the airport/departure lounge when you're about to leave and that you'll send her another message from the airport/arrival destination when you get there.
That's it.
You'll repeat the exercise on the return leg of the journey and anything in the middle is a bonus but not to be expected.

Your DH though is mad to be giving her an itinerary of your holiday as you can't switch off if there is someone keeping tabs on you.

There is a degree of narcissism in wanting contact when someone goes on holiday and demanding details. It's wanting to be included in the holiday and wanting to be contacted the moment someone lands and not feel forgotten about. I'm not convinced people who want notified about the arrival of a flight or long drive really think all planes are highly likely to crash. There is a "but what about me and my important feelings" element to it and a lack of getting on with their own life.

While I entirely agree that professional help is likely to be very thin on the ground unless there's money spare to get it, it really isn't a normal amount of anxiety to call long distance to check on your family on holiday because you haven't had a text.

In the absence of news to the contrary, it's entirely reasonable to suppose that a family travelling to a tourist destination will have arrived there safely.

@5128gap I completely agree with you. I would get the irritation if she was calling incessantly. It sounds to me like she just wanted to know they had arrived safely. She wasn't texting and calling them both throughout the day or night. When she hadn't heard she called the hotel to check. Because, probably, it felt the least intrusive way of knowing. No 'why on earth are you calling at this time, it is the middle of the night here', 'Christ, your mother again'.

I have had this kind of anxiety and I have felt so ashamed about it at times. I know it is irrational but it is paralysing. I really, really try hard not to let it impact on others - I could see myself making that call to the hotel though. One quick check, they have checked in - instant relief, life goes on.

I'm not sure what 'professional help' there is for a woman who gets nervous when her family travel and wants reassuring they're safe? Because round here, there are people unable to function due to anxiety, others who have thoughts of ending their lives over depression, who are unable to access 'professional help' from services so stretched that provided you're not in crisis, you're seeing no one fast.
So I think its rather optimistic to think anyone is going to provide a medical intervention so the OP doesn't have the inconvenience of a MiL who wants a text message from her son to say they're safe.

I would bet she called the hotel to check because she felt this would be less intrusive than calling her son in the middle of the night to ask (and probably aware that her DIL would have issues if she did call her son).

She probably didn't think the hotel would tell you she had called.

I have been in her shoes and I have hated it, my own extreme anxiety. I have had professional help. It doesn't always work. I get it is not your job to help her manage it but don't assume it is controlling behaviour.

Do you not have mobile phones? What kind of emergency are you picturing where picking up the phone and calling wouldn’t work?

I’ve never in my life given flight and hotel details to anyone, ever and if my in laws wanted them I’d find it odd and unnecessary.

This doesn’t mean my family don’t care, they’re just not drama lamas who exist on the premise of disasters happening just because I’ve got on a flight.

I find all the "be kind to someone with anxiety" posts a bit enraging tbh. If someone is anxious about their family going on holiday to the point they ring the hotel because they haven't heard from them (and there have been no plane crashes or natural disasters reported on the news), then they have reached the point they need professional help with their anxiety. Not burdening their family with managing their illness for them by excessive communication.

I have anxiety, I have had professional help for it and as part of that I realised that a lot of my behaviours were learned from DM who has had anxiety all her life. I've got a lot better about not feeding mum's anxiety as I've also addressed mine.

It sounds like your mum suffers quite badly from anxiety which is centred around her son's and grandchildren's safety.

I can sort of get where she is coming from, I have suffered from very similar anxiety myself in the past (to differing degrees) and it can be utterly debilitating. Change can make it so much worse and I can understand why a long haul trip would trigger it.

I get you don't get it. People who don't suffer from anxiety typically don't. All I would say is try to lead with kindness here. You don't need to tell her everything and she has no 'right' to know everything but my guess it is just massive anxiety not nosiness or controlling behaviour.

A couple of texts each day on holiday one in the morning and one in the evening would go a long way to help her - just a check in. Don't leave texts unanswered for ages - she will just need to know you are all ok.

He's a wonderful dad to our kids and so so supportive and engaged. After a 10h flight across the Atlantic with little kids he was simply exhausted (probably). It's mentally draining travelling a far distance with little kids and our priorities, our immediate priorities, lie with our little kids and being in a decent mental state for them.

sorry, OP, he may be a great dad but seriously, i used to be in the military and i do a lot of long distance - if he is too exhausted to text a mother who may call your hotel to check up on you? he is falling down both as a son aware of his mum's mH issues and as the family man protecting you from her intrusive MH issue related behaviour.

It really is not difficult at some point during the journy to create a "we've landed, will send photos tomorrow" text and to press send when you are waiting at baggage reclaim. For the sake of everyone's peace of mind? That one tiny action he could take but is too exhausted?. Meh.

The way you call his Mother 'Grandma' here is very telling - you do realise that, I am sure...

The more you argue your point, the more desperate for control you seem - Sorry.

OP your reaction is unhealthy however I expect to be flamed for this, but you do not have to automatically hate your MIL

I think you are embellishing to add to this here by using the word 'itinery'

Every comment or eye roll will be sponged up by your kids who will learn that Mummy wants them to hate Grandma - merely because she cares about your family.

Just voicing these 'concerns' makes you sound controlling - like YOU are the only one who is allowed to care, YOU need to be centre stage but feel knocked out of that by a MIL who isnt in the same country as you

Do not put your husband in the middle of some control war but it wouldnt exactly kill him to text her would it?! Being tired isnt really a reason when you are an adult, it is an excuse

I felt the same way when it was my own mother behaving like this. You don't have to project MiL/DiL issues on to everything.

i think it's a small thing for your DH to help his mum with her MH and that would be a kind thing for him to do. He's being a bit of a dick by being too exhausted - knowing about her anxiety - not to have a text ready to go as soon as he lands.

Good that you just leave it all to him so it doesn't impinge on your enjoyment of your holiday.

But is she getting more anxious as she gets older? maybe some therapy wouldn't go amiss.

It sounds very suffocating yo be honest with you and she should be told to stop calling the hotel because it disturbs both of you when you are jetlagged and she'll recieve a txt from your DH when he's ready.