MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

I love watching planes on flight radar!
When I commented to my DH how crowded the air space is he pointed out that the planes aren’t to scale……..😆

vMissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/11/2024 10:44

I can see both sides. Just because our kids are grown up it doesn't mean we don't worry about them.
Your DH should tell her she doesn't need a full itinerary and to please not call the hotel, but in return he will always text to say you've arrived safely.

This, my family ALWAYS let me know theyve arrived safely, otherwise id worry.

Tell her to follow your flight on flightradar and to stop harassing you 😂

I would send her a very detailed itinerary
8pm, doing shots, god knows where the kids are
9pm, bought some drugs of a man on a street corner

10am, God we're hungover, still no idea where the kids are
11am. kids have turned up! sent them to the shops for sweets whilst we have sex!

Bothers you, not so much your husband so compromise would be to let your DH deal with DMIL's travel anxieties.

Her side would be that DH and possible siblings always did it, you come along and want to put an end to it even though she's not asking you to call or message.

There's a halfway point.
You trying to stop DH doing it is controlling too.

It has never been the norm in my family to speak to family members (who we love, of course!) every day. Nor in my husband's. We aren't in touch with our 21 and 23 year olds every day either - I would start to think maybe we could call them if a week or so has gone by.

This is the way both me and DH were brought up - we love our families but don't live in each others pockets.

I don't expect my 35yr old son or my 33yr old son (and my daughter-in-law, with my 2 grandchildren), to give me an itinerary of their holidays. I don't even expect them to tell me they got there safely, because I know if anything happens they will tell me ASAP!

I think the itinerary is a great idea. Bad things happen to travelers and if mil has the itinerary, people know where to look for you. Why is that a problem for you?

Argh I have splinters. This is hilarious as you could be me; exactly the same set up and feelings of intrusion, initially.

MIL has died now but I realised she was just very family-centric and very nervous about people being safe & well, so I'd just let her know, as I knew it came from a place of kindness.

My family and I are far more 'we'd have heard if there'd been a plane crash' about foreign travel. I really don't like the feeling I have to check in on holiday though - it's supposed to be a break. My DH is programmed to text the moment we've landed/ arrived/ stopped for a break.

Don’t get involved. Delegate this task to your dh. He can send his mum WhatsApp messages if he so wishes.

Not a ' full itinerary 'that's an interpretation. It sounds far more like understandable flight & accommodation details only. There's nothing wrong with that & indeed it's actually very sensible

So your parents know you are off to Lanzarote tomorrow but they have no idea which flight you are on there & back because its not necessary to tell them. After all a plane crash is highly unlikely. Tomorrow arrives & thankfully you are not on the plane that has indeed crashed. Your parents are sick with worry not knowing if you were on that plane or not & your phone is unobtainable. I think I'll stick to letting my adult children know & they do the same with me. Thankfully Neither of us feel its intrusive or disrespecting boundaries..We also tell each other the accomodation,again in case of unexpected emergencies & phones have no signal which can happen in many areas.

It wouldn’t occur to me to tell my mum which hotel I’m going to - I’d maybe send a “check out this amazing pool” type message - which would be fine with a normal relative who isn’t going to be moidering reception staff. Your MIL has proved that she can’t be trusted to behave with this information so wouldn’t be told again.

Well I couldn't really give a shit whether you're glad or not but you do seem rather disappointed to find I'm not making the argument you thought I was. It seems you misread my post and want to pick a fight over it. Bad luck.

It isn't controlling though to not want anyone (parents or not) to have a play by play of your families' whereabouts at all times No it isn't. Until it becomes a demand rather than a request. She can certainly put a stop to her husband pandering to this rubbish would be a demand and would therefore be controlling IMO. Which was my original point.

There are very few hills I would die on. It just isn't worth getting so het up over this stuff.

I've never supplied a full itinerary to my family when we go on holiday. They know in general where we are going, and could call me on my mobile if they really wanted to. They never have though, and I know they wouldn't unless there was a major family emergency.

DH and I now more often go on holiday on our own now that our DDs are all grown up. We do chat to them regularly and in a jokey way on the family WhatsApp group.

Your MIL doesn't need a full itinerary, and I would want to knock that on the head.

Wow there’s some weird judgment going on in these comments! I'm assuming the message MIL left with the hotel was along the lines of “Tell them Grandma called and I’m worried I haven’t heard from them.” Otherwise it would be extremely weird for the hotel to randomly decide to call her that!

I agree with the person who said she’s controlling (possibly due to anxiety issues) but frames it as “caring”. My own DM does the same, it’s very passive-aggressive and has the opposite of her desired outcome because it makes me want to have less contact with her! I suffer from anxiety (and depression, OCD etc etc due to being neurodivergent) but try not to project it onto other people so I’m not being unsympathetic to your MIL if she has any mental health issues. Unfortunately people of her generation never talked about it or got any help so it can end up manifesting like this, and your DH is probably so used to it he thinks it’s normal.

I actually find a lot of comments on this thread sad.
I have adult children who left home several years ago but still phone/text/whatsapp every day with news both good and bad.
DH and I have never asked them to do this but they want to share their life with us. So they would be texting us more in a ‘great we are on holiday’ way more than to let us know they were safe.
Do posters not want to share information about their life with people they love?

Well I'm glad you acknowledge that MIL is controlling. It isn't controlling though to not want anyone (parents or not) to have a play by play of your families' whereabouts at all times or to have your husband focused on his phone when it should be a bonding time focused on his own family (which as a married man consists of his wife and children). Since when has it become controlling or taboo to express your needs to your spouse? Also since when has placating his mum's anxieties which is unhealthy come before your wife's feelings? This would be a hill I would die on if I was this man's wife

Totally understand your not wanting to have to give every detail.

I could be that MIL... I have suffered from extreme anxiety in the past and, unfortunately, it impacts the whole family. Could there be something similar with MIL?

My DC grew up thinking having to keep me super informed was normal.

I'm much better now and manage it so it has minimal impact on our day to day lives but my DC will always keep me informed way more than their friend do with their parents. Not because I ask but more because we've always done this in the past and everyone close to me (incl friends, not just family ) understand that it just makes my life easier and more comfortable.

Maybe ask if you can each agree to a compromise ef you let her know when you arrived at your destination and back home and will text(message twice a week. As for intinerary, say you don't have one and will be deciding as and when you're there

Now I always tell family where we're going - links to hotels/cottages/villas, times of any flights - but never tell them if we've arrived safely. I think it's because always used to give them details, just so we could be contacted in an emergency, and despite mobile phones meaning that's not necessary any more, it's just a habit. DM/DS do the same for me.

We travel long haul quite regularly with the kids, my family all love flight radar and depending on the time we are flying track our flight but that is the only contact we have the whole time we are on holiday unless we are sending photos etc. MIL used to always ask us to message or phone her whenever we arrived anywhereand to keep in touch we never did it and eventually she stopped asking. The fact she phoned the hotel is mental I would not be giving any details to her!

If it helps her and doesn’t harm you what’s the issue?
I always send my mum my itinerary. I think it’s lovely she cares about you all and it could be useful in case of any issues (eg all the awful issues with the fires in Greece last year)

Does your DH (or you) say (even flippantly) oh we’ll message when we arrive? Because I can see why that would make her worry if you then didn’t.

I always tell my daughter ( in particular) and my two sons where I am going , where I’m staying, travel details etc, and they usually tell me their plans if they’re going anywhere. It’s a “ just in case” thing. What is the problem…it’s just in case of emergency. We text and let each other know we’ve arrived etc, and send the odd text while we are away just as a check in with each other, and to say what we’ve been up to…no different to sending a postcard, really! It’s not exactly intrusive?

Your husband needs to have a serious word with her and she needs to back off.