MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

I stopped doing this because every time we went on holiday I would get a message that one of both of my parents were desperately ill and “not expected to make it through the night”. Of course they turned out to be fine but they couldn’t stand that we were having a nice holiday and weren’t giving them attention. She is using a lesser technique of “being worried sick about you” but it’s still attention seeking behaviour.

I was embarrassed when the hotel manager told me in the morning that grandma had called…

Ah, there’s your problem. You’re more concerned about the hotel manager’s opinion of you than about your mother-in-law’s peace of mind.

@Gul8 another thing to add is that one day you will likely be a mother in law, you get to show your kids how to treat people and I honestly believe you reap what you sow, so if you genuinely think this is something you can't abide and that you'll never require contact like this that's totally fine for you. Just something to consider x

@Gul8 in the nicest possible way, it might seem over the top but there's no real harm. I'd be grateful she cares so much, even if it was a bit irritating. Would your mother irritate you if she wanted to know where you were? If mil has bad anxiety and you can quell it by simply letting her know where you are in advance (I'm guessing she's not expecting to be called and spoke to all the time?) Why are you making out like it's a burden to you. One thing I would say is, our parents won't be with us forever and one day your husband will miss her. Just choose kindness I'd say.

😅

Apparently he's been sending the text for years, without it being any kind of issue. So much so that OP didn't even know he was doing it, until the time he forgot. So it can't have had even the tiniest effect on the family holidays.

Yes, MIL overreacted.
But asking for a text when you arrive, isn't controlling.
I had the most chilled, lovely, accepting and non-intrusive mil. But when we left their house for the 2.5 hr journey home, she always asked us to let her know when we arrived. I never once considered that too be intrusive or controlling. Because it wasn't..

Exactly. You can tell who on this thread has experience of an anxious, catastrophising family member who will immediately leap to the conclusion that you have died in a car crash if you don't answer your phone immediately and who hasn't.

The pressure to constantly soothe their anxiety is immense, and it is never enough.

I once didn't mention to my mother that I was going to the cinema, and when I emerged and switched my phone back on there were countless missed calls and increasingly panicked messages, with more on the answerphone at home. She didn't need to talk to me for any particular reason, there was no emergency, there was no reason to think I was doing anything dangerous, I just wasn't where she thought I would be (at home) and she instantly went into full-on panic mode. She would probably have started phoning police and hospitals if I hadn't called her back after I got out of the film.

Living with the awareness of that kind of reaction is exhausting and suffocating, and it ruins relationships - I gradually found myself spending so much mental energy on managing my mother's anxiety and concealing any aspect of my life that might worry her that I finally just said I couldn't do it any more and refused to do things like let her know when I had arrived somewhere.

Chill out.
Be kind.

That’s it really!

No @Upschittscreek1, your mil is not remotely the same!

I always let my parents know that I have arrived safely. And text/send pictures regularly so they can see what I've been up to.

My MIL is the same, she means well but the overstressing actually just stresses US out! When we had our first child she was a nightmare, she'd be calling multiple times a day, if baby had so much as a sniffle she went into overdrive it was as if she didn't trust us to look after our own child. After a while when it really got too much (she wanted to know every detail about everything we did, every detail about our daughter) I started to step back. I did this slowly and gently, whereas before I would answer her texts or calls instantly I started leaving responses for an hour then that went to a couple of hours then to maybe 5 hours etc it took ages but she finally realised I wasn't just there to answer her instantly (which would always encourage lots more texts after) and now years later its so much better. It was a subtle not blunt way of doing it!

Not really - wouldn’t cross my mind to tell people and they wouldn’t expect it either (thankfully).

My mother was a whole other story, they’d often be an emergency if she knew I was doing anything ..

If you love your family you let them know you've arrived safely. It takes about 3 seconds!

Absolutely this.

It’s not just a text though - over reaction by the mil must have been infuriating. If she hadn’t done that, it wouldn’t be such an issue.

I don’t think you can understand how it feels to be controlled by someone else’s anxiety until you’ve experienced it. It’s suffocating.

@Pherian "Boundary formed."

Because nothing needs a boundary more than a 30 second text.....

My adult children are the same, they always send photos of what they’re up to on their holidays, they also send ( in a family group ) their flight details so we can track it, they always let us know when they get to the airport/board plane/ land the other end/ arrive at hotel 🤣 I don’t mind I enjoy the fact they’re enjoying themselves. They are the Sam when we go away, asking for flight details, ( grand children like to track flights too! )
we keep them updated whilst travelling, not so much contact when we’re there as they know we’re out doing things and then in the evenings they’ll ask us what we’ve done during the day.
We don’t go as far as contact the hotels though 🤣 that’s a step too far.

Say; thank you for caring about us. We will pass on any information we feel is relevant in the future. Then if she carry’s on say; we aren’t discussing this further.

Boundary formed.

What your DH chooses to tell his mum about the holiday is probably best left between him and her. I mean, unless it’s disruptive to the holiday in the sense that he’s FaceTiming her during meals or activities, you’re late for excursions because he just has to message his mum first or it’s otherwise intruding on the holiday, I’d leave him to it. It’s not something I do with my family but surely a message to say you’ve arrived and maybe some updates/photos during the holiday to let her know you are safe and what you’re up to is OK? Full itinerary probably unnecessary.

I always give my parents details of where we'll be staying, in case of emergency. They've never used them.

This is sheer exaggeration & not what was expected.The itinerary is sharing details of flights & accommodation plus a quick text to say all is well & we have arrived.I will call at some point on our return.

All perfectly acceptable & indeed normal in case of emergencies on either side. I'd give the world to still have my parents around to send a quick message to when we arrive at the airport or a call which they were delightd with but didn't expect.Sadly I don't have that privilege now but I'm happy & grateful for the memories.

Exactly.

And for those saying it needs to be his job, apparently it has been for many years and OP didn't even know about it. He's been texting his mum on safe arrival for years, with so little impact that OP didn't even know. She only found out because he forgot this time, and MIL reacted excessively.

Incidentally- if anyone doesn't read the whole thread, the MIL does not want a "full itinerary". She wants a text.

One of the things I love about my dp is that he loves and cares about and is kind to his mother and his sisters. The mumsnet obsession with detaching men from their family of origin is deeply, deeply weird- particularly as we also expect them to be emotionally open and intelligent and to model good relationships to our children.

I'm mid 40s and we give my parents, full itinerary, flight seat numbers and everything, I message them every day and we all travel loads so is just our way of keeping in touch, they don't expect it though as if they don't hear from us they'd just assume we're busy and same from them so there's no pressure just a thing we do but if it bothered my husband so much I'd maybe have a word to tell my parents to try not to worry if they don't hear from us straight away or at least give us 24hours for a message, if the parent is on their own and a worrier then maybe it's just what they do, be more sad if they didnt care so much as it doesn't sound like them being controlling sounds more just like their personality but if it bothers you maybe your hubby could be in charge of the messaging.