MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

That is a bit bonkers! We'll often share details of where we're going and when, just because my DP's are interested. I text my DPs on the family whatsapp group daily anyway, so reporting back that we've arrived safely and sharing photos of the hotel, things we've done, etc, is perfectly normal.

They wouldn't, however, in a million years, call the hotel to see if we'd arrived! That's the bit that's a bit mad, but obviously comes from a place of anxiety from MIL. Your DH needs to start managing her better, or, if he won't, you may have to do it.

Give her the barest of itineraries (we're in this town from this date to that date), then get your DH to just message little updates about what you're doing.

We have another whatsapp group with DH's family that is called Postcards and is just used to share occasional pictures from holidays.

Your DH has clearly just been enabling it over the years and the fact that grandchildren are now involved is escalating her anxiety.

It used to be common for families to share information about where they were staying on holiday because in a time before smart phones it would be the only way to get in touch in an emergency. My Mum used to always ask me to write down the address and contact number of where I'd be staying for that reason, but she's come to realise that it is unnecessary. If I was your DH I'd be sitting down with your MIL to have a chat about reasonable expectations about keeping in touch when on holiday - e.g. she doesn't need to know where you are staying because she can get in touch directly if necessary, you will update her on your safe arrival within 24 hours of getting there and she's not to panic if she doesn't hear anything before then. She sounds like she is very caring and a bit anxiety prone.

I think giving her the details not only validates but facilitates her anxiety - which is often a camouflage for being ultra controlling. I’d state that you are leaving the house x date/time, returning x date/time and that DH will text to confirm arrival.

Anything else perpetuates her anxiety and will create/increase yours. Time to put a stop to it IMHO.

PS…She needs to have some counselling. Obviously…

I understand sharing details in a conversational way, talking about holidays is quite normal. The phoning up a hotel to see if you've arrived is quite odd. Call me selfish but I've really only got so much capacity for reassuring someone and would find that irritating.

Usually I send my dad or sister details of our flights and accommodation when we are on holiday, together with a copy of our travel insurance.

With everything being on my email these days, I always think if something serious happened to us/in our location, someone would have details to make a claim/check we were okay.

I would be mortified if anyone called the hotel the day after our arrival though, so I don't think you are being unreasonable to find this intrusive! Perhaps suggest that someone else in the family will be given details, as you want people to know in case of real emergency and not to be getting anxious and constantly checking up on you?

Fucking hell, I'm a capable organised woman but when I'm on holiday messaging people at home is the last thing on my mind. I'd absolutely see a scenario in which I go to sleep and think I'll message in the morning.

If MIL's immediate reaction is to call the hotel staff then her anxiety is disproportionate and that is the issue here, not DH's management of it.

What if their flight had been delayed, and they were in the air so DH was unable to message but also they hadn't arrived at the hotel and the staff said they weren't there? Her anxiety would be off the charts for literally no good reason. How did she cope before phones and text messages?

This seems like bonkers behaviour to me. How did she cope 25 years ago before phones? We mention holidays in passing and might send the odd photo but it seems boggling that a mother would need to keep tabs on her grown child to this extent. Having said that it's clear from the replies that it's normal for a lot of people, maybe the rise of smartphones has just made us all too anxious to function any more?

One of my biggest bugbears is controlling behaviour masked as 'anxiety'.... Is she like this in other aspects of your life?

Besides, there are myriad normal reasons you could be delayed during travel - it just sets her up for more 'anxiety' if you're delayed for, say, roadworks and she's imagining you piled up on the motorway.

(And I do have sympathy for genuine anxiety - I suffer from it myself - but would never use it to control anyone).

As my sister's MIL gets older, she has stopped them having any holidays AT ALL because 'something might happen when you're away'. Don't let it get to that... 😧

Enjoy your holiday! 🙂

Yes someone having basic understanding of where you are I think is helpful - take the Spanish floods knowing someone was there and can’t be contacted can be helpful.

ringing is a step too far though

Nothing wrong with her knowing where you're staying. It's normal to DH so it isn't going to change.

Always give my parents flight info, hotel name/address and if we are moving around then itinerary of what we are doing when. They like looking up the places and hotels and are interested in our lives (in a healthy way).
I used to text (now what's app) to say boarding/ landed/ hotel ok and from time to time.
It works the other way too, when they travelled I used to check where they were each day and what they were going to be doing.
On the other hand, DH just about told his family we were going away and when we were due back.
I wouldn't demand you shared info, but I would be sad I was being excluded from your lives.

If I go on holiday in this country, no I don't.

But if I go long haul I do let close family and the dog sitter knows our basic details - flight numbers and accommodation details. And when I travel separately to DH he has a copy of my insurance policy.

You never know what's round the corner.

There are some genuinely mental MILs out there.

Don't do anything you don't want to do and remind your husband he's married to you, not his mummy

If the family dynamic is that they always text to confirm arrival etc, then I can understand her being scared when she didn't hear from your DH because that would be unusual behaviour from him. It seems unnecessary to me, but if that's their dynamic, then so be it.

As for the itinarary, I am not sure I could be bothered with providing that level of detail but it doesn't feel hugely intrusive to me either. It's not like she's stalking you or turning up as a surprise once the details have been provided. And if it's your Dh providing them, so what?

Of course, would be totally different if she was having meltdowns because you swapped plan or you didn't update her on where you were havin glunch or it was taking hours of DH's time to take her through everything or whatever.

I tell my mum when we're going to be away and where we're going, but that's it. I don't text her to tell her we've arrived safely. If a plane carrying a load of British tourists had crashed, it's not like it wouldn't be in the news. It wouldn't occur to her to worry that something might have happened to us while we were travelling and it certainly wouldn't occur to me to text her to 'let her know we've arrived safely' when we go anywhere.

pretty pathetic that they went on a long flight and he couldn't even prepare a message so he could hit send while they were waiting to disembark, or picking up luggage, or waiting for a taxi, or on the way to the hotel.

Presumably he didn't just leave all the parenting and getting them checked in and kids to bed all on her own....

Are people missing the part where MIL called the hotel and asked staff if they'd arrived?? Of course letting people know you've landed safely isn't a big deal, but clearly MIL's expectations vastly transcend this.

because he didn't tell her they'd arrived. Knowing how she is, he CBA to text his own mother that he landed ok. It's on the DH here. The MIL is clearly a worrier. So if you don't want her calling your hotel - "we've landed, going to sleep now" isn't beyond even the most exhausted son.

Are people missing the part where MIL called the hotel and asked staff if they'd arrived?? Of course letting people know you've landed safely isn't a big deal, but clearly MIL's expectations vastly transcend this.

OP YANBU and I'd be telling her that calling hotel staff is hugely patronising and overstepping. You're adults, your DH can tell her that you've landed/arrived/whatever when he tells her, if he's grown up enough to have got married and had children and booked a holiday then he's probably grown up enough to get there in one piece.

To be honest, I find it a bit odd that you find it intrusive (presuming she is not going to try to call the hotel to say hi every evening). Isn't it sensible to tell someone where you're going? I always give my mum and sister my travel details. Imagine if you're all in hospital from a car crash and no one from your family can find out because no one knows where you are....

My son and stepkids are adults and they'll tell us they're going on holiday but none of us worries about holidays and travelling so they may post stuff on social media on their holidays and they may not. Often we catch up when we're back. We don't phone each other on holidays because we're busy doing stuff. Some people seem to think fussing over your adult children is a sign of how much you care, it isn't it's just fussing.

That is because you are being stalked. Family often feel they have the right to overstep, and disrespect boundaries because they're "family", even it you're not that close to begin with!

It's difficult if your MIL is so anxious that she calls the hotel. That worry is not going to disappear however you try to manage it.

My MIL is always worried about us driving 2 hours home on the motorway. SILs always call her or text to let MIL know they are safe home (they're in ther 50s!), it's a habit from their younger years that they have not given up.

MIL seems to have become more anxious as she gets older and now she asks us to do the same. Mostly that is fine, but sometimes dh forgets, or we go to the shops on our way home, or stop for a walk. Then MIL's anxiety gets even worse because if we haven't called she imagines the worst.

I know exactly what you mean. When we visit my ILs and are driving, she always wants to know exactly when we are leaving. Then, if we don't arrive in her scheduled time slot, she calls. Several times. Repeatedly. Non stop. The same when we drive or fly somewhere else. She always wants to know exactly which flight or train we're taking, because then she can check live online whether they're on time. She will also keep informing us if they're not (like we don't have access to the same or even better information). She wants to know the hotels we're staying in "in case something happens". Because she's supposedly always so worried. But it's about control, I just wish my DH would finally realise that. It drives me crazy, I feel like I'm being stalked.

It reminds me of when my dm rang the maternity ward asking about me, when dh had already updated her recently. She then proceeded to ramble on about her own long labour, all of the intricate details to the over worked Midwife. MW came in and said when I was in the middle of labour,"Can you ring your Mum?" It was so embarrassing. Some people like to make everything about them.

I'll assume they are having a lovely time unless they contact me to tell me the contrary 🤷🏼‍♀️