MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

MIL and DM want itineraries of our holidays. We figured if it helps them stay calm then why not. MIL would like to be able to track our phones - we refuse this on the grounds ridiculous and intrusive.

I think it is about finding a balance. I would not be wowed with either of them phoning a hotel though.

Now that the OP knows her MIL is a nutter, she can certainly put a stop to her husband pandering to this rubbish, if she wants to.

Well she can if she wishes to style herself as a controlling nutter.

Or she could choose to be normal and let her (presumably grown-ass) husband tell who he chooses.

Letting people know you've arrived safely and giving the hotel details in case of some kind of emergency is reasonable and normal. I'd frame that as the compromise option.

In both mine and DH’s culture we 100% share the whole holiday itinerary and call regularly but we come from cultures where travelling long distances, until very recently, resulted in death so families would pray for the travellers. Lol mil often even puts a photo of a plane in her temple when she prays. I think it’s a bit sad that you wouldn’t be willing to do whatever it takes to reassure what is clearly an anxious and loving mum.

I think it depends on the holiday type. If we're staying put in one hotel in a reasonably safe country then I'd send a quick text when we'd arrived but no way will I fuss around telling extended family every little trip we're on. However in a few months we're travelling to south east asia and moving about a fair bit to some quite remote areas so will definitely check in with my mum and share a basic itinery.

I think how much you share with your inlaws is surely up to their son... Unless you think they're going to stalk you or are being ridiculously fussy and wanting minute by minute accounts then surely there's no harm sending a quick 'we're here and safe' text and I don't really think that's much to ask. It's probably easier for all involved just to do this. He should be doing it though.

Of course they are (and I speak as a mum
of two DC in their mid-late twenties) but….so often I hear this sort of thing used as an excuse for controlling and intrusive behaviour. I am in no way saying that this is true of the PP here but I’ve seen it done in my own life.

Of course your children are always going to be incredibly precious to you, however old they are, but that’s not a reason to treat them like minors. They are your kids, but they’re not children and so we parents and in-laws need to be really careful not to treat them as such just because we have our own hang ups and insecurities.

I say that as a mum and mum in law but I’m also a daughter and daughter in law (in my mid fifties so in the middle of the generation sandwich!). My own mum is always pleased to hear that we’ve arrived at our destination and loves it if I send her a photo or two whilst we’re there but would never ask and has no clue ever which specific hotel we’re staying at. My ILs on the other hand track the plane we’re on! They also have many more opinions on other things we do ie moving house (‘have you asked the solicitor whether…?’) or the new medication DH is on (‘do you know you have to take it after food?’ FIL is a retired pharmacist). We both find it semi amusing and semi annoying. When challenged on it it’s harder for them to say ‘your children are always your children…’ these days because we have adult kids of our own so we answer that they’re our kids but not children and we try to treat them as such. I think we have a better relationship with our kids because of it.

Our kids can (and do) come and ask our advice on things. When DS and DIL were buying their first house they phoned to ask DH to talk them through their different mortgage options before they spoke to the advisor. When decorating their kitchen they asked me what the options were for their cupboard doors etc etc. But we don’t just give unsolicited advice, nor do we expect them to update us every time they travel somewhere, even abroad. Sometimes we get a photo of something funny they’ve seen or something of mutual interest but I go on the basis that no news is good news. Giving all your travel details to a family member back home is no use anyway if you’re in an accident abroad because the hospital would still have no clue who to call!

It's normal to let immediate family know the hotel you will be staying at, and ask you to let them know you've arrived safely. That's it

Wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even get the level of "letting me know what hotel you're at" now she's prone to ringing them up!

I’m someone whose family had a sudden illness and bereavement while another family member was on a cruise ship so knowing which ship they were on, with which company, enabled us to contact them via the cruise line, which allowed them to choose to immediately come home from the next port. Mobile phones aren’t always reliable.

So I always share an itinerary with my family, and vice versa, but with the expectation it is for emergency use only. I’d be horrified if they phoned a hotel to check we landed safely - as I once pointed out to someone, if the plane crashes, you’ll hear about it regardless!

My Dad is a bit like this. Used to drive me bananas when I was younger (39 now), but I've come to realise it comes from a place of care, plus in the grand scheme it's fairly harmless. I'll probably look back on it fondly in years to come.

It actually come in useful once in 20 or so years, when he called the hotel landline to notify me of a family emergency (early days of mobile phones and signal was patchy and unreliable).

It's normal to let immediate family know the hotel you will be staying at, and ask you to let them know you've arrived safely. That's it.

The rest is bizarre, and if it annoys you, of course it can just stop, dh doesn't have to pander to her.

She sounds utterly mental though, so it might be best just to let dh keep telling her the details for the sake of peace.

My mum expects (well, not expect but would like) to know when we are out of the country, if we arrived safe and when we arrive back home. Itinerary and calling hotel? Nope.

Luckily, she doesn't mind the MIL knowing where she's staying, it's just the creepy demand for literally their entire itinerary coupled with bizarrely phoning a hotel to check up on them that's a problem.

Now that the OP knows her MIL is a nutter, she can certainly put a stop to her husband pandering to this rubbish, if she wants to.

We're currently out of the country and I haven't mentioned it to any family 😳

It is very odd indeed. I certainly don't do this with my or my DH's family. And to those saying what about when you have older children yourself, well I do and certainly have never asked for that level of detail about their travel arrangements.

Maybe that's why they just naturally WhatsApp when away with photos etc because I am not demanding hotel details or whatever. I would have been mortified at the hotel manager having to come and find me at breakfast - he probably thought he was looking for a couple of 18 year olds ;)

@Gul8 My grandmother was like this, she had been on anxiety medication for quite a few years and this kind of behaviour was an early indicator of dementia which was discovered about 10 years before her death. Once she was diagnosed the behaviours patterns she had displayed kind of made more sense

I do give my parents a rough low down of what we are doing but that's because I am traveling alone with DD. If I was travelling with another adult I'd send a "landed safely message" and perhaps a couple more sporadically. I would like the same from DD when she's older so it's only fair.

Me too I have an adult daughter , she'll text to say arrived the rest is her own business .

Er, it becomes intrusive when she rings up flapping at the hotel reception?!
That's not normal behaviour.
Would be pretty suffocating from the "kids" adults point of view too.
I say this as someone who suffers from anxiety myself, but when mine goes on holiday I'd hold back from doing that as you need to learn how to back off a bit and let them live their own lives when it comes to stuff like this.
What good does knowing their every move on holiday make?!
As well as potentially annoying them, it just gives you more for your anxieties to stress about.
I try to keep myself busy instead, doing things I like for me.

Well, we don't have any parents to give details to, but I always let someone know flight details, destination, and rough plans. It's just basic common sense in terms of safety. But then I come from a family of hill-walking/fell-running enthusiasts - no-one is coming to find you if they don't know where you are.

So, no. YOU don't have to tell your MIL where you are going, but your DH can do what he wants.

She is worried about her son and grandkids. You don’t seem to care much about her so i don’t think this is about you at all.

Telling MIL where you are is not intrusive. May be it’s important for her to know how to reach her son if there is an emergency.

This is totally none of your business and you need to stop meddling/trying to control the dynamics of your MIL with her son.

I think flight and hotel details are fine. That isn't intrusive at all.

Ringing the hotel or constant texts with a play by play of what you're doing is too far. She can easily wait until you're back and hear about the fun you had and where.

Before mobile phones (that you could use abroad) this was pretty normal. If there was an emergency at home, most people would want to be able to be contacted, so however independent you were (and I very much was) I always gave my family my flight details and told them where I was going to be staying.

His mum will be of a similar age as me so that will still figure in her thinking. Having said that, since we've all had smartphones, I've not bothered giving my kids my itinerary, nor do I expect theirs.

But I do keep them in touch with where I am (I'm a solo backpacker now) as and when I move on, just because it feels the right thing to do. And if I'm going into an area where there's unlikely to be a signal, I always tell them.

@Compash sorry to be nosey, but I have to ask....your MIL has really "stopped" your sisters family from going on holiday?!

Always let them know the name of your hotel and when you have arrived safely. But that's it