MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

I didn’t say it did?

in fact if the MIL has a history of this kind of thing, I’d leave the emergency details with another family member and tell MIL that that person has them if needed. But in this day and age of mobile phones, it’s rarely needed because now you can contact people directly wherever they are.

funny reading other people’s stories, when I was a kid the first thing we’d have to do on holiday (even in the U.K.) would be to find a phone box so DM could call her DM to let her know we were ok. It was obviously A Thing.

If my DH wanted to do this for his DM then I’d just let him do it and not get involved.

Only normal if you are travelling alone to a dangerous location or very young. I don't think i've done an arrived safely message to a parent since I was 16. And I'm an only child so supposedly coddled.

Even when we flew to Tajikistan after some terrorist stuff had happened I don't think we messaged until we had something interesting to say.

I would say plans weren't finalised when she asked for details.. If dh wants to placate her with a text so be it but how embarrassing to call a hotel!

I wouldn't expect my parents to ask for a full itinerary but I do let them know when we have arrived and just send pics of our day and what we get up to. To be fair I think it just depends on everyone's family dynamics but to want a breakdown of your full holiday before hand is a tad strange.

Texting to say your plane has landed safely and you're at your hotel is just ridiculous. Honestly, they can switch on the news, if a plane crashes it will be the top headline, won't it?

There is a massive difference between asking a young adult backpacking alone around Asia to leave an itinerary and check in regularly, and asking a 40yo on a flight-and-hotel holiday to do the same. For the latter, it isn't necessary for their safety, and if anything awful happens, someone will get in touch soon enough.

The habit of sending "we've arrived safely" texts just fuels anxiety if you forget. No news is good news.

Lol NO. Completely ridiculous on her part.

You know where they are though, whether it Greece or Spain, or wherever? Presumably the region they're staying in too. Eg, Kos, or Barcelona. Why would you need to know their everyday holiday itinerary?

BTW my MIL used to do this to DH when he went abroad for work - 'oh, I worry so much about you, anything could happen, I heard it's dangerous there...' (like, Toronto 🙄). He said 'Gee thanks, I still have to go and now you're making it worrying for me and upsetting for Compash...'. (it didn't, but just to make a point).

If she'd genuinely cared, that would have stopped her - the fact she didn't stop showed that it was an indulgence or affectation to gratify herself, not based in real concern for him.

So he stopped telling her he was going.

Have your sister and her DH agreed to stop having holidays? That's ridiculous!

I think that a quick text, saying you'd arrived at your destination and were settled in would be sufficient, also a text when you arrive back home.

Maybe a family photo sent, just to let her know you're thinking of her ( esp as she's anxious) but no more.

I think MIL is demanding too much and shouldn't be accommodated in that respect while you're off on your holidays.

Sure, share your flight details with one person, but if that’s not you (in the case of the MIL) it doesn’t give the right to be phoning hotels and all that.

DH learnt not to this after IL booked themselves into same resort same time few years running. We made it work but it got to much for even DH - then they were trying to prise information out the kids - but couldn't get dates so went two weeks before and were experts on place I'd been multiple times.

My DP did used to demand instant phone calls - but their parents had done same and I remember first task for many holidays was find a phone box and call them. Visits after they had to ring immediately got back home as well and explain why it took longer if they stopped off.

It was never a short call to my parents and often worst time as my kid tired and wanting attention - and over years found if I told them less and then phoned next day on beach everyone was actually happier and worried less. Calling asap and giving information was actually feeding the anxiety - opposite of what you'd expect.

Not needing to know another competent adults movements is not the same as not caring. It is none of my business where my adult children are day to day. If you think it is, then watch out, you are a future difficult MIL in the making!

She is being way over the top, and personally I don't get the let people know you've arrived safely thing, of course I have, and if I haven't what can they do about it.

However, I doubt she is going to change now and giving her a quick update text seems like a reasonable compromise. Sending a text takes seconds, you could even type it in advance and just press send. Or how about scheduling an email to send at the time you expect to be there.

@LindorDoubleChoc 'The parental ick', good phrase! 😄

Another thing, of course, is that the causing a fuss - phoning and getting the hotel involved, worrying other people and making them scurry about - is (maybe subconsciously, maybe not) a form of 'punishment' for going away - 'look what you made me do!' I've seen that in play in my family.

Unless the massive dripfeed is that your MIL has a medivac helicopter... 😉🚁

How does it affect you, @Gul8? If it stops her worrying and it doesn't affect you, then it's a bit unkind not to let her know when you've arrived.

I think it’s intrusive and also incredibly self indulgent to “worry” about that sort of thing when there’s absolutely no cause.

I think the only people you owe an arrival text to are people you live with.

All this “oh I worry if I don’t get a text” - no you don’t really, you just want to make sure your relatives are thinking about you and your needs when on holiday.

There’s no reason to do anything but assume adult children are fine unless you have actually heard of a plane crash or similar.

I always give my mum an itinerary, and I ask my adult sons for one too. I like to know where they are in case of disaster - earthquake, fire, that kind of thing. People do go missing abroad for all sorts of reasons and if necessary I want to be able to give as much detail as possible on their possible whereabouts.
It's pretty easy to forward hotel details/flight numbers etc and to text on arrival if you know it will allay someone's fears.

Sharing flight and hotel details for a long haul trip in the expectation it is for emergency use only, totally normal. Ringing the hotel to see if you’ve arrived is batshit.

i have travelled a lot long haul and so does DB. We’d always text parents to say landed ok, but that would be it. DM is VERY anxious and would love a blow by blow account of the trip but not happening. I get “you know how I worry”, but I pointed out that in this day and age, she’d probably hear very quickly if the plane crashed or was hijacked and even then, what could she do about it. I’ve asked her how worrying so excessively helps a situation, but she just says “I can’t help it”. Given her age I think she’s well beyond any self help or even self awareness that she’s doing it.

Of course your children are always going to be incredibly precious to you, however old they are, but that’s not a reason to treat them like minors. They are your kids, but they’re not children and so we parents and in-laws need to be really careful not to treat them as such just because we have our own hang ups and insecurities

I agree wholeheartedly, well said @CountryGirlInTheCity.

I find/found it extremely off-putting when my parents and inlaws did this sort of infantalising (cleaning in our house, making little checks and comments about have we done this or that, why haven't we fixed this or that) ... it gave me the parental ick if you like and I would have been closer to them all if they could have just controlled themselves.

Maybe this is a generational thing as mobile phones are a relatively new thing, but I have never contacted my parents to let them know I arrived when on holiday. And they certainly didn't ask for or receive from me details of the hotel, flights, itinerary etc. If they were lucky they were sent a postcard which probably arrived after I got home.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - modern communications tech can make you too available.

Quick text when we land to say we have arrived safe and that's about it

I tell my mum now but she's 94 and very anxious, I never used to. I think she's being too controlling.

I don't think this should be an issue. I never tell my parents what hotel I'm staying in, however now thinking about it maybe that is a good idea.
She cares and wanted to know you're all ok, the call was a bit over the top on her part bur harmless. I really don't see what you have to gain by not telling her which hotel you are staying in.

I don't think it's "normal" to let people know you've arrived safely at your holiday destination, actually.

We went to Japan this year leaving our 20 year old son at home. We didn't let him know we'd arrived safely and he didn't ask us to.

Are we really that unusual?

My DM (90) ticked me off (59) for not letting her know I'd got across the channel safely on the ferry and arrived in Normandy. It annoyed me SO much that I started a thread on here about it!