Top Unis - am I missing something?

Are you saying your daughter is in the last part of year 13 and you are just only now looking at her options?

My son is in yr 13 in a top grammar in SE - hate to break it to you but 8/9s, 3 to 4 A*s is pretty common at that level. Warwick, Bristol, Bath, Exeter are all great unis and are on his list - its not just the grades your daughter is striving for but also the experience of academic rigour / brain development which will stand her in good stead not just for uni but for life.

But to be honest, I have not pushed my children to get 3 to 4 A*s because I could see that its best to strive for above entry levels but no need to smash anything - work/life balance and mental health are just as important as grades.

But it’s what is clear from the posts. Is one now not supposed to point out when they feel somebody is be unreasonable on AIBU. 🤔

But Durham isn't chavvy. It's like a very English private boarding school in uni form.

To simply do the best she could? It's all we ask of our children, isn't it?

It comes across as though you think there is no Uni good enough for your daughter.

Ultimately, she either needs to get brave and have her birthday at uni /get on a bus to class, or accept that her (your?) anxieties will hold her back to the likes of Warwick. Which is also a very good uni.

Sounds like she’s not mature enough to be making these decisions and a gap year would do her well. Get some practice being away from home and taking buses.

It's 8.30 on a Monday morning. What on earth is the rest of your week going to be like, considering you've already woken up and chosen to be this shitty.

Depends which type. But yes. With ever increasing numbers applying and many ask for a minimum 2.1 they differentiate often by looking at A level grades.

Can we not accept horrible stereotyping and reverse snobbery please. Replace “unbelievably rah” with “unbelievably chavvy” and see how that sounds. Both horrid.

There are lots of top universities south of the midlands, she needs to find one that offers the course she wants to take any apply for it. Does she want to go?

Queens Belfast
Barely an hour on an plane?
Edinburgh ? Likewise
or are they not prestigious enough for you to boast about at dinner parties

None of mine wanted to go that far away. I think it's only the UK where we push our dcs to live hours away from home. My relations in Europe don't do this, they've all gone to their most local uni.

If you are very hung up on league tables then yes you sometimes have to go a long away away. None of mine were interested in going 7 hours away.

Two of them are working now and both have excellent graduate jobs so staying closer to home didn't hurt. And it was lovely seeing them every couple of weeks - a very unmumsnet but healthy attitude.

No you clearly want her at Oxbridge and are looking down on anything else. Poor girl.

She doesn’t want to go to Oxbridge. It’s her choice not yours and she has sensibly chosen life balance. She knows herself best .Stop trashing her choices. I suspect one of the reasons she doesn’t want Oxbridge is to escape pressure from you and previous experience of a pushy environment.

You perceive Durham to be more "prestigious" than Warwick and Bristol.

This is clearly about you wanting bragging rights rather the right course and place for your daughter.

If she "doesn't want to be in a high-pressure environment and feeling inferior to super-bright students" - Cambridge is not for her.

And yes whilst students there do have fun, they also spend 13 hour stints in the library because of the level of academic rigour and pressure. Just because someone is an A* student, doesn't make them Oxbridge material, and that's fine.

I think being happy at the uni is more important than league table. Many employers won't rank candidates based on the uni, and actually can't use this as a factor because of discrimination. Employers care more about industrial experience so she should choose a uni offering a placement year / internships etc. This will help her more after, good grades only get you so far.

I'm mid 20s with similar GCSEs to her but the old system, not so great A levels then a distinction and first in my bachelors and masters, having gone to non-red brick / Russel group unis. I work at a very reputable company now

You are missing the point of education. A good university provides the teaching and resources for her to do well but the experience is literally all about the effort she puts in, so if she's doing that now then that is setting her up to do well. Of course you have to get good grades to get into good universities but working and learning should be about practising the skills not achieving the grade (whether A levels actually prepare you for uni is arguable but a different issue).

I live in the South East. DD2 did her degree in Scotland, She came home term by train (12+ hours) as she doesn't like flying.. We would take her up at the start of the academic year and have a weeks holiday and do the same at the end of the year - it is perfectly doable and well Scotland is beautiful

Your DD as others have pointed out should really be basing her Uni choice on the best course for her preferred subject

Not RTFT, but interesting question, OP.

Your post assume that the only reason to work hard is to get into uni. But, presumably, there are other reasons your DD is working hard/putting in effort? If A level work is only useful for getting in to a uni, and nothing else, then the system is f*ed (which, to be fair, it is...).

Commuting to London sounds terrible - surely she’d want to live in halls in her first year, and flat share for the others.

I don’t know what the pressure on accommodation is like these days but some students went back into hall for their third year as well.

Thats what I did, and my parents live just 50 miles from London. This was mid-1990s though.

Doesn't matter who perceives what university as prestigious.

"Prestigious" doesn't impact the quality of teaching, the course content or, increasingly due to blind recruitment, the chances of a job afterwards.

DD was an Oxbridge entrant and didn’t get in. She got 4x A* and is diploma level on her first instrument and post grade 8 on her second. What we didn’t do was say well that’s it then, no uni is going to be good enough for our talented clever daughter. We encouraged her to go and enjoy herself and carry on loving learning.

She’s at another red brick uni instead, who shock horror, actually downgraded her offer from their usual AAA to BBB because they wanted her there. She didn’t think oh well I won’t bother carrying on working then as I don’t need to. She pushed herself and achieved. She is really happy at her chosen uni; mixes academic rigour (getting a solid first) with enjoying student life and now doesn’t think Oxbridge would have given her what she needed.
Be more open. The unis you have mentioned are all great and she can achieve anything she wants if she works. You need to change your mindset. This is real life and you won’t always be surrounded by the elite.

I think there's still value to be had in working hard for something even if you didn't "have to". It will stand her in good stead for her later studies, wherever she is.

Maybe this is a lesson in 'you can't always have it all at the same time'(if she doesn't get into Cambridge). There are sometimes limited options and we have to choose our priorities - if being able to get home for birthdays is more important than one of the top unis you've described, well, she is making a choice based on her values.

I would ask her to consider what she might feel like after she's settled in, has a good circle of friends and loads of things to do in addition to her studies... would she still be worried about getting home so much?