Please tell me I'm not alone

@U13579

Could you really go to sleep at 6.30???

I can't, no matter how bone shatteringly exhausted I am.

people often suggest this (but more like 8.30) & I think, in theory, it's a good idea, but I couldn't do it.

I was beyond myself a couple of weeks ago & gave it another go. I went to bed at 9, but from 10.30 on I didn't really sleep all night. It's so annoying.

Reading the OP I immediately thought he has day/night confused. You say he's sleeping all day in his moses basket and just waking to feed, so it's not that he will only sleep on you, he's just confused and having his deeper sleep during the day time. I don't think co sleeping will solve that, you need to try to keep him awake more in the day. A quick Google says to aim for wake windows of 30-90 minutes at 4 weeks old. So when he wakes, try to keep him up for say 45 minutes with lots of noise and light, do a bit of tummy time as well. Then at night time keep lights dim and noise to a minimum with no playing. Wake him up in the morning when your toddler wakes and hopefully he'll start to shift his sleeping pattern to do his longer sleep at night instead. Good luck!

Also, co sleeping isn't for everyone.

But nursery/childminder/pre-school for your toddler a few hours a week would make a huge difference for you I think. You should really consider it, for your health if not anything else.

Safe co sleeping is your friend here
Gawd I remember those days. Absolutely nightmare
Co sleeping at night
And day time naps are what you need!
Good luck.

I remember during our NCT classes it was mentioned that some babies didn't naturally recognise day/nights patterns. Could this the case? I would say that the 'norm' is usually being able to put down baby at night, but not during the day.
I think the recommendation was to try keep them awake / distracted during the day in a noisy environment so they get as much light exposure as possible, and in a dark/quiet environment at nights to create a contrast.

And people have said what they did - co-sleeping and sending toddlers to nursery.

I agree that you're making something that's already hard, even harder, but if course your family, your choices. If you're just here to vent, that's fine!

I’ve had 3 babies and with ALL of them I kept them downstairs all lights on until 11pm from 8pm. Played. Under a light show, watching the fire and at 10 warm bath, all wrapped up and a big feed (usually expressed milk in a bottle) burped cuddled and transferred to the next to me. If they cried I would keep popping the dummy in and go close beside them, stroke their head and tummy and white noise on. Would usually get until 2/3am then quick change, feed burp and down again. Dim sunlights and warm room. No messing around just the necessities. Babies need to learn the skill of sleeping. Of course they want to be held but for you to function that is just not practicable. You really matter too. You are responsible for three lives not just the newborn

But OP has said the baby won’t be put down - so the baby can’t/won’t go in a next to me cot.

Definitely keep with the shifts but make sure to start them around 6.30pm or as soon as partner is in from work to maximise the amount of sleep you both get. I wouod do you: 6.30-12.30 then partner after that and it means you both get a good block of sleep

Literally this.
For everyone's safety please research how to safely cosleep.

One of our babies was nocturnal, took 7 weeks to flip their night and day but once we did they were a brilliant night time sleeper so there is hope!
Spent lots of time trying to wake baby in the day, baths, noise, light etc. Then everything overnight dark and quiet. Eventually they caught on and their circadian rhythm did the rest.

Speak to a paramedic before you choose to co sleep. Please.
I think you should lie down with your baby in a next to you type cot whilst your toddler has a nap too. Say 2 hrs
Your OH needs to take over when he comes inside you can get a few hours. 6-10 you could get another 4 hrs.
Gradually try to shift baby's sleep until he is sleeping at night.

Hi op, you're not alone. When my dc1 was five weeks old I was getting zero sleep most nights, just surviving on the odd hour during the day. It was horrific. But after five weeks things drastically improved and by 12 weeks she was sleeping through the night and I could get 7-8 hours unbroken sleep. Hang in there!!!

I would bolt a cot (no side) to the side of your bed and you use a sleeping bag. Like a safer version of co-sleeping. Wish I had done this with my first but I was too scared, planning to do it with my second though as it would have made it a lot easier!

I had a similar situation after my DS was born. He had reflux and didn't settle well. He groaned and grunted a lot overnight. I was hallucinating from lack of sleep and dangerously low in mood. All my friends worked during the day and my family were miles away. In the end my DH and I had to change our sleep patterns for a few weeks. He had a hot meal at lunch in the work canteen, he got home at 6pm, fixed himself a quick sandwich and took over with DS, put him down to bed and stayed up till midnight doing a late feed. I slept from 6pm until midnight and then DS had me up most of the time through the night. I also paid for about 5 hours of childcare on a Wednesday daytime to enable me have a catch up sleep.

We did this for about six-eight weeks. After that DS sleep pattern slowly improved and I started getting some sleep in the early hours too.

I've heard warming the cot with a hot water bottle before putting them down helps them settle easier too. (Obviously remove hot water bottle once the baby is in the cot!)

I'm not going to lie, it is a hellish stage. Thinking of you OP.

OP I hear you and see you, I went through this too. I don't think people can quite imagine how difficult it is if they haven't experienced it.

Have you looked at using a bed nest? It's basically a three sided cot which attaches to the side of your bed. The non-sided edge attaches and so your baby is safely in their own space but you can lie down beside them and keep physical contact.
This was the best solution I came up with and it did help. I'd spent 3 months only getting 20 mins of sleep at a time and using the bed nest meant I could get 2-3 hours here and there. And if I wasn't asleep at least I was lying down.
Don't know if this is still the case but you used to be able to rent them from NCT

Your partner needs to step up and you need to let him do it.

Go to bed when he gets home for 2-3 hours. You've dealt with both children all day, he can manage for a bit.

Then get him up at 4am so you can have a few more hours sleep.

Or whatever schedule works for you - you need to get some sleep!!

Also agree don't be a martyr about your toddler- put him in nursery for at least a few half days - he'll appreciate the activity and you can sleep when baby sleeps. Honestly it will be much more interesting for him than a half asleep mum stuck in the house

At 4 weeks I wouldn't worry too much about day and night. I'd sleep in the day while DC sleeps and go with the flow. Mine barely slept at night till they were older so I patchworked it together from when they did sleep. Figured that's what mat leave was for, so I didn't have to follow the day/night delineation either. It's a shocker I know so I feel for you, but better to let go of the old ways and accept the ways of the new world you're in. It's the expectations that really do you in otherwise.

Can your partner eat dinner with the toddler early ish and then go to bed pretty soon after the toddler does- so 8/9ish? If he wakes at 3.30 he would still have had around 6/ 7 hours sleep so more than enough to work on. If you’re worried about him working after being up from 3.30 am then swap the shifts- so you sleep early with the toddler and then get up from 2ish- he sleeps from 2 to 7.30 or whatever and then naps in the evening when he’s on duty, if baby and toddler are asleep.

Have you also considered moving the toddler in with older child, as then you don’t need to worry about disturbing them (my toddler was dead to the world once asleep though so I wouldn’t worry really if all you’re doing is walking in and then going to sleep).

I appreciate this all probably sounds a bit mad/ uncivilised but it’s only for a very short time. Don’t feel guilty too, I am sure your DH would rather be a bit knackered for a few weeks/months than have an accident at home.

I also don’t agree with the midwife, I think you need to try to get baby outside/ in the light, noise, fresh air during the daytime if you can- especially at this time of year.

Ah right co-sleeping is out.

I'd personally send the toddler to nursery for a bit if you can say 3 mornings a week?

I haven't read every post so hopefully not repeating what's already been suggested too much!

Daytime you want to get the baby out into the fresh air and daylight if possible. If you will struggle with a pram due to stairs you could try using a stretchy baby wrap. Daytime sleeps should be with natural light and background noise (so don't draw blinds and curtains or turn off TV etc). Whereas nighttime you want to keep everything dark and quiet. Baby should get to grips with the day/night difference by around 3 months old

Nighttime I know you said you tried swaddling but have you tried a swaddle bag? The Love to Dream swaddle bags were the only way we got our baby to settle in the Moses basket at night. I understand your reluctance to cosleep as you are a smoker.

I also agree about getting your husband to help out more.

If they judge that’s their problem. Of course your DH should be taking his turn at night, unless he does driving for a job.