To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

You sound like an amazing sibling, however I think the foster carers need to be managing this better, with support from social workers, therapists and paediatricians. This is not sustainable. Whilst I know it must be awful for you all, but by you being so responsive, it's reinforcing the twins and the carers that they can't cope with this. They will buy it will take time.

Is this foster carers right for them? Maybe the placement needs to be discussed.
Sorry you're all going through this.

Could they share a bed? Even a blow up bed so they can hold and touch each other? Sometimes being next to another body can be very soothing. Or maybe you could try staying at the foster parents house for a couple of nights a week? So at least you don't have to drive?

Also a body pillow with a t-shirt you've worn for a night so it smells like you? Or weighted blankets?
White noise played at night?

That’s a good point about the melatonin. I tried it and had the most horrific vivid nightmares so that might also be the case for your siblings.

Just wanted to offer my solidarity and sympathy. And say, you sound far more measured than the poster of another thread which was just deleted

Agree!!

I’m assuming that the usual expectation would be that a foster care couple would work shifts 24/7 to cover this sort of situation? I really feel for them because, well, if they don’t want to or can’t then they will have to break the arrangement which will be terrible all round.

I do think it’s best to work with the Fc rather than test out ultimatums etc. once you issue ultimatums you lose control of what happens next

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/is-melatonin-giving-you-nightmares#:~:text=Usually%2C%20side%20effects%20of%20melatonin,at%20Brigham%20and%20Women's%20Hospital.

Melatonin can trigger nightmares in quite a lot of people. One of my children is prescribed it, and is on except for occasional sleep walking/talking. I have tried it and it gave me horrendous nightmares, one of my other children also had nightmares from it so we stopped giving it.

And I echo that Foster carers should be getting some support professionally with this, to help them.

I think you and the foster carers need to speak to their social worker urgently. You need to see if you can them prescribed with Melatonin.to help with sleep. It is prescribed to children. Do they see a specialist at the hospital? You need to see them.

As PP says, what you can do behaviourally, sleep training etc, will depend on their level of functioning.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I would suggest two options. One is you and the foster parents warn the siblings you can't come the next night as you are away, or your car isn't working, but they can phone you. If the foster parents have to stay up all night with them, so be it, but this won't stop if you keep sacrificing yourself.

Another option is to speak to the social workers about the option of you being their foster carer, depending on how much you currently earn, could the income from being a family foster carer match up and be enough for you to live off?

This sounds really difficult for you all.

• Is the therapy trauma focused (cbt or emdr?)
• short term could you move in, then use gradual withdrawal when they wake? Ie leave progressively shorter time after they wake?
• practical strategies like an object that smells of you eg t shirt/ cuddly toy, nightlights, recording of your voice they can play etc.
• what are the nightmares of? Are they recurrent? You could help them visualise happier endings to them when they are awake eg someone coming in to rescue them and taking them somewhere safe.

Good luck, it sounds tough.

I think you need to message the foster carers to say that you're simply too exhausted to keep doing this, and that it's sensible that they talk to their GP about short term medication so everyone can sleep. Could you offer to put them to bed a couple of evenings a week as a compromise?

It's horribly unfair on the children too - they need to learn another coping mechanism because long term, this just can't work.

What support are the foster carers getting? You being there in the middle of the night isn’t reasonable as a long term solution. The foster carers are being paid to care for your siblings, they should be very trauma informed in their approach and should understand the part that nightmares play in processing trauma.

This may sound counter intuitive, but what is their day to day routine like, are they getting support at school, are they being parented therapeutically by the foster carers? What is their nighttime routine like, did some of the trauma happen in the night? Have they people who can listen and help them make sense of what has happened outside of therapy? These two will need a lot of varied supports which the foster carers should be advocating for.

I also wonder if you being there so frequently is actually making it harder for them to adjust to foster care? It would be very unusual to have daily/nightly contact as a plan because it means the foster carers never really settle into a routine and the kids don’t get used to needing to receive care from the foster carers. If the long term plan is that they come to you it might make sense, but if not I’d suggest contact needs to be reduced somewhat.

Disrupted nights are part and parcel with trauma, my kids were adopted by me 7 years ago and are still frequently up through the night. You need a longer term, more realistic plan for all concerned.

You are amazing. This isn’t sustainable for you at this level of input. You have needs too. The foster carers may need to look at medication maybe melatonin. Please mind yourself. You will never be able to make good what your parents did, don’t even try to do that. You can only do your best for them and best for yourself too. You matter too.

I’m sorry you and your siblings have had such a rough time. In the short term, would it be possible to record yourself reading some bedtime stories which the foster parents can play for them in the night if they wake up? Hearing your voice might be enough to settle them down again.

Aww op, you sound like an amazing sister 🥺

How understanding are they? Are they verbal etc? (Mine isn't at aged 5)

Are they not on melatonin?

Can you sit them down and explain? Give them items of clothing that smell like you?

Slowly withdraw, ie, being there for them on facetime rather than driving over. Its so dangerous when youre so exhausted op x

Just wanted to offer my solidarity and sympathy. And say, you sound far more measured than the poster of another thread which was just deleted x

I can only agree with what others have said. You can’t keep carrying on like this. The foster parents need to step up and get them seen by a GP.
You sound like a wonderful person! But you need your sleep and to live your own life

If life had turned out differently, they might not have had another sibling - and what would the foster carers have to do then? Ask yourself that question, and then ask it to the carers/social services. Then stop doing this, point blank, and don’t look back.

Unfortunately social services/the care system always seeks to use relatives as resources where possible, and the system doesn’t care how exhausted you are. You yourself have to lay down the boundary.

You sound like the best sibling ever ❤️

I would tell siblings when you go and take them to bed that you won’t be coming in the night and tell the foster carers as well and switch your phone off. You can’t be creating a dependency and need your sleep. Then they need therapy and to see the doctor

OP this is one of those “put your own oxygen mask on first” moments. You cannot keep doing this. How about switching to being available every other night at first, that means you still feel you’re helping, but you get some sleep too.

On medication - melatonin is sometimes prescribed for autistic children with long term sleep issues (it can be bought in shops in other countries, assuming you’re in the UK it’s prescription only).

Do you know what other support the foster carers have sought for this?

You can’t go on like this. I’m so sorry, you must all be be exhausted. Op you need to be careful you dont crash you car (been there after 4 years of a non sleeping baby!)

my first thought was medication. I know they’re only 11 but surely there is some sedation or anti anxiety medication that can help with nightmares? This is very serious

Your siblings have had a terrible time but you don't have to sacrifice yourself for them, I would switch my phone off and tell the foster carers that you won't be coming round.