To post this here as I really need advice

Hope things are going ok OP.

Having read your update OP, I'm even more confused as to why you left the home and are now sleeping in the summer house. You saw something inappropriate happen and you said you would take your younger children and leave. That is exactly what you should do, as a responsible mother. Why are you punishing yourself for this perfectly natural reaction? Who has convinced you that you were wrong to react this way? Even if the stepson's touch was innocent, you and your DH should have sat down with all the children and explained why some touching is inappropriate. That should have been the end of the matter (if you truly believe stepson's actions were innocent. If you don't, you need to look into safely leaving this situation), not this ridiculous hair shirt behaviour.

Go back into your home and protect your children. The 13 year old get's zero say in where you sleep.

Honestly having read some of your previous threads this relationship is barely limping along as it is.

Your partner cheated on you, you had a pregnancy he didn't support and at best the family has struggled to blend. You've sold your business and he's refused to marry you despite you saying as a Christian that's what you wanted.

It sounds like this situation hasn't really come out of nowhere but is the tip of the iceberg.

Probably best if you just separate and let the kids grow up in stable and safe environments without all the drama. They all deserve that.

You and your partner are not doing the right thing by the children by keeping them in this toxic environment. It sounds like it's dead in the water and time to move on.

Of course the dss is going to deny anything inappropriate, in what universe would that conversation go any other way??

As other pp are saying, op you need to get back into the house. Dss might not like it but you and DP need to work together to manage the situation, not allow you to be sent off to the summerhouse.

Hopefully therapy will help give you the strength to do this.

This is a very strange way to go about things

The boy's father will make the boy feel safe.

YOU should be in the house making YOUR daughter feel safe.

Never mind about your partner and how much he's like a father to all the kids equally. Your daughter has a mother who's hiding in the bloody summer house on the say so of a 13 year old. Ye gods.

As for leaving the one year old !!! Come on OP. Stop pussy footing about the place and get yourself back in the house and look after your bloomin' kids.

No way would I have left my dd if I had any inkling there was something dodgy going on.

You need to have a (very calm) conversation alone with your dd away from everyone else.

just bc they denied it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

As a fellow stepmother I think you're handling this in the wrong way:

1. Asking a 13yo if you can stay/come back. You're the adult end of.

2. A 6yo on a 13yo lap. I find that inappropriate regardless. He clearly was testing his boundaries and potentially that's why he did it. You've shown him he can get away with it and not only that you'll apologise!

3. you keep saying partner, rather than husband , which means that unless the house is jointly owned you have everything to lose.

4. you do know that SA mostly happens within family circles and "secrecy" us one of its symptoms, right?

So you saw the boy touch your child and now you have left him in the house with her? I don’t know why you are doubting yourself and talking about therapy and putting yourself in the summerhouse! That’s nuts. You need to be back in the house protecting your children!

OP, please trust your gut with this. You know what you saw and you know what you felt. Being abused can make you overly sensitive to some things but it also gives you one hell of an inbuilt detector. With the greatest of respect, you need to protect your daughter.

Hmmm, I think that you probably did see something. I’m not saying that the boy was intending to do anything to your daughter but perhaps he got a bit curious. In any case, your over-reaction will act as a deterrent in the future (whether or not anything happened now) so please don’t tell yourself off.

I remember when I was 13-14 years old, my older brother (from same parents) kept finding reasons to enter the bathroom when I was in the bath (with the shower curtain drawn) and kept putting his head behind the shower curtain to ask me stuff or make jokes. Once he jokingly touched my breast. Disgusting. I only remember it happening once…So, yeah, inappropriate sexual curiosity can happen even between blood siblings. So I do think you saw something. Your step son will never admit it but at least he knows he should never ever ever attempt anything similar

I also don't think you should be in the summer house. You should be in the main house.
It all sounds very upsetting but I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself and letting yourself be talked out of what you know you saw.

If it's any help - I was groped by a stranger as a 10 year old and it was reported to the police. However, they didn't ask the questions in the right way so they came away with the impression nothing really happened. (A police officer asked me to do her what the stranger did to me, but I didn't want to so I just did a much lesser version to her.)

So I don't feel at all reassured nothing happened just because 2 kids are saying nothing happened.
I can believe you reacted completely appropriately and your partner and stepson are now talking you into believing you're wrong because that's more convenient for everyone. I think your absence is probably really upsetting for your children, especially if it's been a crazy day.

I’m sorry OP for what you have been through and the turmoil you are now feeling. This all seems a little bonkers though. You are outside in the summerhouse waiting for a 13 year old to give you permission to come in?

You have explained, and apologised. That’s all that is needed. Just go back inside, go to bed, and talk about it with your husband tomorrow.

Your DSS may or may not need further guidance about how and where it’s okay to touch other people, I suggest that you leave this up to your DH, and perhaps he and you could book a session together with your therapist so that you can find a way to navigate this together that you both understand and agree with.

Wishing you the best.

Power imbalance wrong if you are asking DSS to come back you your home.

What if he says tomorrow 'no you can't be here' are you going to abandon your 1 year old who needs to feed from you??

Yes you need to reflect on what's gone on in relation to him but don't be asking him if you can be at home.

Hiding away in the summer house, I expect is something you'd have done similar as a child- hide away. To break away from that you need to get back in your home and show everyone including yourself that things are carrying on.

I think you need a talk with DSS to ask what he was doing, why he went off when he saw you and go from there and if there is anything not right I think you'd pick it up. Otherwise it's how to repair things.

When you say you saw him stroke her bottom do you mean she was sat on his lap and he rubbed his hand up and down her back all the way to his leg so got the top of his bum or was she standing and he was just stroking her bum? There is a difference.

I'm slightly concerned here you are taking a 13 year old and 6 year old saying it didn't happen over witnessing it with your own eyes. It's important you focus on what you saw not what you want the reality to be.

Hopefully this is all innocent but I'm not convinced by your follow up messages it is. As for giving a 13 year old power over where you stay is crazy. You have small children at the house who need you and what if he never says you can return?

He is a child who right now needs his dad to be stepping up and ensuring he feels safe by talking to him, educating him on boundaries and reassuring him (if it was inncoent). You need to take full accountability if it's innocent by saying you didn't handle your emotions well and you allowed external factors to cloud your judgement but you are going to get some help to ensure it doesn't happen again. Then apologise and leave any follow up chats to his dad

My stepson’s permission. He needs to feel safe. No matter what, he needs to be safe in his own home.

Giving him power over where the adults in his life are is the very opposite of safety. He needs the adults in his life to make decisions together about what happens next. You made a mistake, the lesson for him is that we can get things wrong and the relationship needs to be worked through - and he doesn’t have the power to evict you from your own home. It’s far too much responsibility to place on a 13 year old child.

OP you should not be asking the permission of a 13 year old child, who is clearly not in a very stable place at the moment either way, what you as an adult may do. This is far too much authority and responsibility for him to shoulder at his age, and to give him this decision making power is the opposite of safety. All the children concerned in this need very much for their adults to be in charge. This is what reassures and feels safe. You and your H need to decide where you should be (I think it should be in the house, bringing as much normality to this as you can) and then tell the children what is happening. Please don't burden your step son with adult decisions. Next I think you need to take advice on what you saw either from social services or if that feels too much give Family Lives a call (Google them) Don't approach this with your step son again, either to apologise or discuss until you've taken advice.

Sorry to nit-pick - do you mean the 1 yr old is with you in the summerhouse? Or your daughter is with you there?

And your daughter has the right to feel safe too. You said up thread you are sure of what you saw.

You seem weirdly deferential to the males in this story. Your poor DD is now in a home with no adult related to her protecting and advocating for her. You should be making contact with the NSPCC not trying to convince yourself that there is nothing to see here.

I think, from what you have said, that you have genuine concerns. You shouldn’t be chased out of your own home . You need to go back and face this. Where is your husband in all this?

Yeah you still haven't said what you actually did and said so it's hard to reply to how to approach him.

Before leaving this morning I explained to him why I reacted as I did and apologised. I asked his permission to come home to put the little ones to bed tonight.

Can I check, you asked your step son’s permission or your DH?