What if they don’t want to be found?

This is sad. And scary!

I remember a number of years ago a local newspaper published details of a loving wife who had gone missing & her poor husband wanted to find her.. which he did, at a refuge, & killed her..

I don’t think it’s necessary to override someone’s ‘want’ need to stay ‘lost’ safe as PP put it

if you think someone is in danger, dying or dead report it to the cops shit as they are for a welfare check or investigation

not to fucking facebook or MN Miss Marples or a private dick or the local rag

and side note to say if someone tells you no photos or they prefer not to give out address or ph no etc then fgs have a bit of sense and respect that

you may be nosy but it ain’t your nose (or worse) that might get broken because you blabbed all over sm

I often wonder about this. Some really valid points raised around why people might wish to stay “lost”

I have 2 adopted children who were removed due to neglect and abuse. Their pictures were never circulated like this but I know people who had to deal with it. And even worse, people who go into witness protection are often still chased by gangsters, murderous fathers angry that their daughter fled an arranged marriage etc and they are at extreme risk of these "trying to find my brother/sister/ex neighbour" type appeals.

Basically people should only share police approved posts. A local Facebook group could put a stop to these posts - contact admin and explain the issues.

I completely agree with you, OP.

I think it's because if they listened to my point then they couldn't post all over the post trying to be super helpful.

The number of people who'll post a screen shot of various Facebook profiles saying "what about this Mary Smith? She looks the right age?" or "this Maggie Jones works in x city which isn't far from y place you mentioned".

They all want to be the hero that solves the mystery and get defensive if anyone points out that they might actually be assisting someone deeply unpleasant.

Some years ago, something happened - I can't now remember what the actual incident was - and police gave out a number for people to call if they were concerned about relatives who might have been caught up in it.

It turned out later people were reporting concerns about neighbours, work colleagues etc for no reason other than they maybe hadn't seen them for a couple of days, not that they had reason to think the people might have been in the area in question. Meanwhile the supposedly 'missing' people had maybe just gone away for the weekend and their families knew perfectly well where they were.

Must have wasted a lot of police time dealing with it.

I am technically missing to my family, they know I am alive and well. I went NC with my whole family more than 10 years ago. In that time, I moved several times, changed jobs several times and got married, so changed my name. I didn't give my family the last 2 addresses or my current address. I don't want to be found by them, they are unsafe for me and my children. Unfortunately, they have since been given my address (by whom, I don't know, I think potentially a private detective they gave a sob-story to) and have written to me. That was a shocking day, I haven't responded. We live about 2 hours away, so I am praying that they don't just turn up. I am seriously contemplating moving again.

Please please please don't just assume that the person wants to be found, sometimes they left on purpose.

I got banned from a group like that once because I pointed out that someone posting, as a member had, the village someone now lived in, her married name and her children's names was completely out of order and potentially unsafe. Apparently that wasn't in the spirit.

I got banned from a similar group for asking a man 'desperate' for information on his sister who had been missing for a week for the police reference number. Apparently it's very unfair to suggest that sightings of apparently missing women should only be given to the authorities rather than random men that they may be hiding from.

People are far too free with other people's information, and safety.

YANBU.

The trouble is that people confuse "missing relative" appeals with appeals trying to trace old school friends/work colleagues who it is easy to lose contact with and where there's probably zero chance of there being any issues about resuming contact.

Largely I think Yanbu - people meddling really have no idea if they are making a situation much worse.
But if you had a relative with mental health issues who went missing, it would absolutely ruin your life, not knowing if they were alive or dead, kidnapped and in someone's basement or desperately ill and needing help.
It's not right to just leave those people to suffer. A person with mental illness might not want to be found but they might need finding. Sometimes the best thing is to override a 'want' in order to help a person.

So while I agree that randoms on fb shouldn't just hand out other peoples personal information, it's great that there are agencies who will track missing persons and let families know that person is safe and well.

I reported some fb posts looking for "missing kids" as there was no police mention at all anywhere.
Pretty sure these were not good people.

Just to addpage admins did take most down

Agree with you OP.

I have gone no contact with one side of my birth family some years ago for very good reasons. I moved to a different country years ago and they don't have my number or address and I want to keep it that way.

They tried to contact me through social media this year (although I made it clear I wanted no contact from them in the past). I immediately blocked them but it was traumatic to think these people are trying to stalk me on social media. I also make sure that my workplaces never publish my picture on their website or social media.

Basically only it was an official police missing person appeal I would never share someone's details.

IMO it’s a difficult balance though to know whether someone has disappeared because they wanted to, or whether they have come to harm. And without knowing what happened it’s impossible to find the answer.

Take Andrew Gosden as an example. He disappeared without trace one day, and on here there are regularly posters who say how sorry they feel for his family, and how heartbreaking it must be for them. And maybe that’s true.

But Andrew Gosden bought a one way ticket. So it’s equally possible that he disappeared willingly. Personally I believe that’s the case. But if he’s never found, nobody will ever know.

Same with Claudia Laurence, Nobody knows what happened to her. It’s believed she may have been murdered, but equally before she disappeared she led a very chaotic life. And as she’s never been found it’s impossible to know.

And it’s still possible for the parents to be distraught and want answers because someone can still choose to go missing and for it to not be because of the family they don’t want to now where they are. that family are just collateral damage.

TV shows and social media (and mumsnet) sleuths definitely shouldn’t be involved though.

That's interesting. I work in a field adjacent to adoption and they now advise adopters in my region to work on the basis that their child will be tracked down by birth parents, because modern technology and social media makes it extremely difficult (impossible, if birth parents are smart enough) to prevent this from happening.

I agree, OP.

I remember a few years ago when there were such things as local papers, some busy-body had rescued a wedding photo album from the tip. They featured pictures from it in the paper with an article hand-wringing over 'We must return this precious item to its rightful owners - does anyone recognise the people in these photos?'

I felt so sorry for the couple in those photos which were plastered all over the paper for everyone to see. Any sensible person could guess why the album might have been thrown out! I just wish some people had more sensitivity, discretion, judgement etc. to keep their noses out of others' personal business.

There was a post on here a while back where OP asked if anyone had been “missing”. The responses were really eye opening. I remember one lady detailing how she escaped a very abusive family situation and is now living under totally different persona. Not a single person knows, she is single and doesn’t get too involved with people for fear someone will find out.
I think you’re absolutely right, some people don’t need help to be found. They need the protection of continued anonymity.

If you have someone’s name & age, if you know how you can usually eventually find them if determined enough. There are many records online etc.

I completely understand why someone would want to cut ties with their old life and reinvent themselves somewhere else.

The police and the Sally Army's approach of 'we've found them, they are fine, just wish to be left alone' is absolutely the right & professional one. Casual acquaintances and TV programs should not be getting involved.

On the other hand, there are so many horrific instances (Fred and Rose West etc) that a basic data trail, allowing police to ensure someone is alive, is very important.

My niece is adopted and my SIL is warned regularly by social services that the birth mum is posting on social media trying to find her and getting “helpful” people to assist her.

My SIL had been willing to send the birth mother a photo every year via social services but this stopped as soon as it was clear the birth mum was looking for her. SIl had only sent one at that stage when niece was 18 months old.
Lucky my niece is now unrecognisable to what she was when the last photo was sent so the chances of birth mother finding her are slim. My niece also unknown to birth mother goes by a different name as the name birth mother gave her was let’s just say unusual (and awful). Social services actually advised my SIL to change it.

@EalingLucy

Not in these cases, no. Some of them had been treated badly by their families in the past, some of their families just couldn’t seem to accept their illness and kept expecting for them to be “cured” (even though with things like schizophrenia, it just doesn’t work that way). Probably some of them don’t want their family to have to see them unwell and think they are better off without them. But quite a lot of the time, they just find it easier to be around other people who understand and accept them, don’t blame them or pressure them to “get well” or to try to interfere and manage their lives for them.

We were told on a safeguarding training course that sometimes when people know their baby is likely to go into foster care, they deliberately give them a unique name to make it easier to track them down.

It's difficult when people repost social media appeals when they don't know the people personally. Even if it is genuinely their parent or close family member, that doesn't mean they should have information on their whereabouts.

I'm so sorry you went through that, it must have been incredibly tough. I hope you've found peace and stability now.