To feel like I just can’t do this job anymore?

Trying to stop caring what people think is the only way to survive at this.

Its tough - going from the bright young thing to feeling like people might slag you off for not pulling your weight.

But just try not to care. It won’t be like this forever

I wanted to comment on this as I am a solicitor too. Either we work for the same firm or it’s just pretty standard behaviour for law firms because I feel exactly the same. My DC is 2, and my firm say they care but ultimately they don’t.

I have to go into the office a set number of days a week (and there’s very little flex on which days they are), I have a target of 8 hours per day (not including a lunch break) so by the time you’ve factored in a commute in rush hour, a nursery drop off it’s an 10 hour day not taking into account time for eating, getting ready, doing any exercise (or any form of self care) etc. My DS is only awake 12 hours a day. And, of course, that’s just to do the minimum of what is expected of me. They pile on the pressure, make me feel guilty for wanting a life and to see my family - they constantly ask me to go to events in the evening etc as ‘business development’. I’m constantly compared to the juniors in my team but yet none of them have kids and are seemingly willing to dedicate every hour to work.

To be completely honest, I’ve struggled on for too long and I can’t do it anymore. I have a DH at home too, and he does 50% of everything outside of work (child care, washing, cooking etc). We have a cleaner but unless you have a nanny (I don’t want that, I want to be with my DS) I don’t see how it can work (certainly not at my firm). Life has thrown some serious rubbish our way, I’ve got to a point where if I don’t stop I’m going to have a break down. Maybe, in time, it would get easier, but I’m not willing to take that risk as ultimately I’ll still have targets to meet!

I think when you work in law it’s easy to get trapped (the money, the status etc) but there is life outside of it. I’d seriously explore other options or as others have said, if you do enjoy it, why don’t you consider going in house (even if there is some element of retraining) or a PSL type role?

Sending hugs OP, I completely get it. It is so tough.

Yes I did suggest to OP eventually leaving but I can see how changing job requires a whole extra level of energy ahead might just not have right now.

in this case I would also agree to do the bare minimum to get by, which is hard in law, but I realsie a lot of my stress in law was because I gave too much thought to what others thought of me

You’re not failing at all; it’s simply impossible. I genuinely don’t know anyone doing it unless that’s all they’re doing (ie the other parent is taking the hit on their career or stay at home).

Are your partners the kind you could have an honest conversation with about how to make it work? I ask because some friends I have just took the situation to their boss who didn’t want to lose them so found a way to make it work. One of them now works term time only (god knows how) and the other moved into a knowledge position. I know in other firms there is no way you could imagine having this sort of dialogue with the partners, and if this is your firm; I do wonder if you might want to revisit your firm conviction that you can’t leave for something else ?

how many years pqe are you?

Thanks. I was going to suggest this, Can dad have the baby a night a week? Or auntie or granny?

@cannyyo have you considered having any coaching? I appreciate money is very tight (and I agree with PP, your salary feels low) but an investment in staying in your career is an investment in your child. There are some good law focused coaches who could help you think about your lack of self confidence as well as how to deal with your current firm.
As well as coaching, have you considered finding a mentor? Does your firm have a mentoring program? Is there anyone you know professionally who you could approach?

Giving up your career now because of the culture at one firm and the age of your child seems drastic.

Something’s got to give, you already know that. I wouldn’t advise looking for a new job as you don’t know if it will be better or worse than your current job, and learning the ropes in a new firm will be exhausting in itself.
I would suggest doing the minimum at work for a while - they can’t get rid of you as long as you’re not seriously underperforming (or you can claim discrimination). Then reduce your hours even if for half a day a week. Taking that time to have a sleep, for example, will reallly help, and wont impact your income too much

Look for a different job. You need more money bluntly. And more flexibility. You need to fund the outsourcing to let you work and be a mum without guilt. Nannies are expensive yes, but what are you paying for childcare? What's the difference ? Could you compress your hours, do 4 days a week and use the nanny for those days? If not what about a nanny share. Or a childminder may have more flexibility. Any family help? Cleaner, meal service, online food shop.

I went from corporate (mid tier) to in house when I was about 7 years pqe. Was tough for a year or so as I learnt some new skills around commercial contract drafting, but then I got into the flow. Although you have to learn to always feel a bit uncomfortable as an in house lawyer as in house is pretty much a constant stream of working outside of your comfort zone.

Have a look at the market. See what's out there. I'm on quite an aggressive recruitment drive at the moment and even my most junior roles are paid higher than yours, in fact we recently recruited a 1 year pqe (London based but significant home working) at more than your salary.

I'm not that familiar with what background a general in-house role might be after, but I'd have thought if you're in a reasonably sized regional hub there ought to be some variety - worth a chat to an agent? Others with more direct experience will hopefully be able to say more.

What also comes across to me in your posts is a real lack of self-confidence and self-worth - you use a lot of very self-deprecating language. I don't know if this is (understandably) linked to the stress and pressure you are currently under or goes back before you had your baby. Either way, it is so so likely that you have more options than you think- you feel trapped, but in reality you will have loads of skills and attributes that can open other avenues.

OP I'm a partner in a boutique City firm, I'm heavily involved in our remuneration offering so fairly decent awareness of what the market is doing.

I completely echo what several PPs have said:

(1) salary feels low for anything other than really junior PQE (I.e. one or two years) even in the regions

(2) your firm's attitude to working hours, flexibility etc is way off what plenty of other places are moving towards these days - your manager's comment about increasing pressure for better pay is particularly crass

(3) value yourself and make a move to in-house or PSL - I know a job move is huge but you've said yourself if things don't change where you are you can't keep doing it so ...

Unless you are v junior, or in a regional firm, I’m shocked at how low your salary is (for corporate).

When I read this I was thinking oof how hard to do as a single parent but imagining you were on ££££.

The only people I know who stayed in corporate law did it with a nanny, but they were earning much more than you to be able to afford it.

The rest all moved into PSL or in house roles. It’s so hard being client facing or doing litigation and expecting to do a 9-5 only. Especially because in law ‘9-5’ is seen as slacking, which is ridiculous.

The age your child is at is tricky because of the lack of sleep, that side does get easier eventually, but I don’t think the work life challenge ever really does because the juggle is even harder once they’re at school.

I think the only way to manage is to stop apologising and do what you can and refuse to stress about what you can’t control. If that’s untenable or not enough for your partners you’ll know soon enough!

There is a life outside of the law firm grind, would you consider a different role ?

Been there, done that @cannyyo .
It absolutely does get better but that's no consolation now and it can't get better if you burn out in the interim.

1. Stop worrying whether your firm/colleagues 'like' it, some law firms are so backwards when it comes to employee welfare that it's laughable.
2. Make a career plan for the next two years, how many PQE are you? What's your next move? Having a longer term plan will make this week's drama slightly less all or nothing.
3. Speak to your child's Father. Explain that the current set up isn't working, don't ask. Just tell him there will be an adjustment, he can ask for flexible working as a parent. Even if he does nursery pick up and has the child for an hour or two one night a week, that's one night you can stay later to put some facetime in, which will make leaving on time every other night feel less stressful.
4. Prioritise your health, are you run down? Deficient in anything? Drinking enough water? Getting enough sleep? Managing any exercise? The anxiety and stress of being a lawyer are 10 times worse if you're not 100% fit and well.
5. Ask yourself who you'd most resent if you crashed and burned out of this job. Your Ex? The firm? Whoever it is, that's where change needs to come from.
6. Outsource and automate everything, if necessary reduce what you're putting into a pension. Cleaner, standing order supermarket delivery, Amazon subscription for anything that doesn't come from the supermarket, one weekend go online and buy presents and cards for everyone you buy for for the next year, find an ironing service. Those things are not luxuries, they're what enable you to work.
7. If you are not enjoying your work, even without the extra stress, think about a change. A different practice area, going in-house, Civil Service.
8. Against the above: if you love your area and want to stay in it be very wary of derailing your career into the Mummytrack. If this is what you really want to do then go us on getting through not getting out.
9. Is your salary competitive?

I got through it be telling myself that the priority was me being able to be a good enough parent and a good enough lawyer. Everything else had to service those two goals. What I earned had to pay for things to allow me to be those two things. What I did with my time had to contribute to those two things. Gym? Yes, because I can't work well without being fit. Cleaner? Yes, because it's more important to spend three hours with my child than cleaning. Supermarket delivery? Yes, more important for my child to spend time going swimming with me than walking around a supermarket.

You can get through this ( you wouldn't have made it this far in your career if you didn't have the ability). You just need to treat it like a matter, plan your advice and then apply it to yourself.
Good Luck

I'm currently a government lawyer in a management role. I've worked in private practice. I once had a job where incredibly long hours were expected. I worked late nights and most of thne weekend. I did it for a year and I was wreck at the end of it. My children were grown up and my husband was holding the fort at home and we did have a cleaner. I was barely keeping on top of the work load.

My current job nobody blinks at people leaving early to pick up children or even being away with a sick child, the work is largely manageable in an ordinary working week and we can work from home for a couple of days a week. I could probably earn a bit more in private practice but with a lot more hours and stress. Now I am not in the UK but there must be less stressful jobs in law in the UK. I think you should look for a less stressful job perhaps in government. My advice is to steer clear of litigation.

Have a look for a role along these sorts of lines...

www.linkedin.com/jobs/view/4051778424

That one is in Bristol but roles London based / hybrid roles come up fairly regularly.

It will pay well and be much more predictable in hours (still busy and a lot expected from you but you will have more autonomy and be able to plan ahead). Roles like this are also more amenable to part time working. And you can go back to fee earning in a couple of years if you wanted to do.

In the meantime, consider getting signed off sick with stress for a couple of weeks to regroup. They will also tread more carefully with you when you get back.

Find a job in house. Your pay is not great for private sector, and I'm sure you could find a junior in house role at a comparable or higher salary (and therefore without the regular weekend and evening working).

the thing that helped me the most was to stop giving a fuck what people thought of me. Got to leave to pick the kids up - do it and don't give a moments thought what they think at work. Doing the bare minimum - so what, it's not forever. Tired - call in sick. Don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Seriously, once you let go of the pressure you're putting on yourself you'll operate so much better. And I can guarantee no one actually cares as much about you as you think they do.

In the short term, you MUST internalise this advice. It basically doesn’t matter if you can ‘tell they don’t like it’ WRT flexible working or any other policy that exists to protect you from discrimination and make your life possible. You are entitled. They cannot legally do anything to stop you. If they do they’re in a world of trouble.

In the longer term, you need to be in a more supportive working environment for the next 15 years. If this employer and area of law is not it, you don’t have to be the trailblazer to make it work. Leave that to the women with supportive partners and more resources to change the game. For you, you need a job you can feel fulfilled and successful in whilst also being a full-time single parent. What area of law can you go into that will give you that? Where can you move that will offer you lower cost of living? Etc.

OP this is totally shit of your firm given the focus on burnout right now after the thing with that Pinsents partner. Welllbeing is a big focus I thought at most firms and so is stuff like including women, work life balance etc etc. Whereabouts are you based? Have you looked at other roles?

Can you afford a nanny? I had a live out, part time one. Would have gone insane without

Good god, as someone working in a totally different field this sounds absolutely inhumane. I would say get out any which way you can. Is all of law like this? Can you work as a lawyer in a different type of business where there is a better culture? Eg as a lawyer for a university? I have no idea but OP this is NOT you, it's your job and the people being absolutely clueless.

First of all, you are doing amazingly well! 19 months is a tough age, and doing it on your own whilst working in such a high pressure job is not for the faint hearted.

The way I see it, taking time off when my DC is ill, working flexibly and being strict with my time is paving the way for the mothers that will come after me. Normalising the motherhood, introducing dual career families into the mix, standing up to the patriarchy. A bit pretentious but helps with the impostor syndrome...

I have no suggestions OP and I honestly don’t know how you can improve.

This is not remotely a dig at you, but why does the child’s father get to opt out of parenting pretty much just because it wouldn’t suit his work hours? It doesn’t suit your work hours either but you have no choice!

Do you have a supportive family somewhere and can you move closer to them? I don’t think this situation is really sustainable for you and you will just burn out at some point