Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my partner have stood up for himself?

27 replies

NavigatingAdulthood · 03/11/2024 09:13

Hello! People have previously commented on my relationship with my MIL but this time I’m in a bit of a rut and just needed to ask for some opinions!

My MIL has been texting my partner every day around 3-5pm asking if she can come over so she can see our son. Usually, if she doesn’t get an instant reply, she’ll text him multiple times essentially inviting herself over. She doesn’t have a car and we live on the opposite side of our town. Previously, my partner has gone and picked her up and then dropped her back home again (which is about 15 minute drive each way). However, my partner has begun to say no for various reasons; he’s working late (he works from home), we’re busy (which we usually are) etc. He popped over MIL’s house yesterday after she had texted, only for her to beg (apparently she kept going on) to be brought back to our house. My partner said no, as we had plans to watch something on the telly and spend a chilled evening with our 5 month old. She then turned around and started calling him nasty and selfish and all the names under the sun. My partner left, and was greeted by my BIL who also slated him and called him nasty, selfish and rude for not continuously bringing my MIL back to the house. He came home very moody/upset and I haven’t really commented on anything as I know my own relationship with her will impact what I have to say. However, AIBU to think that my partner should’ve stood up to them both and not accept being spoken to like that? He does everything he can for my MIL from doctor’s apts, bringing her over here multiple times prior, going over when she asks, taking her to different places etc. I just can’t stand the thought of his brother and mother speaking to him like that, almost completely being oblivious to what he already does for her. AIBU to think he should say something?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
BPR · 08/11/2024 09:00

OP, have you considered moving?
Just that further bit away, but somewhere that still works for you?
Even an extra 20-30 minutes can make a huge difference.
If this is causing him upset, some counselling might help him manage his feelings.
She called you a slag.
Honestly, most people wouldn't have anything further to do with her.
This will never end, hard boundaries and low/no contact is all that works.

Original poster
NavigatingAdulthood · 08/11/2024 07:30

@purplehair1 He works with people internationally and luckily, he works whenever he can (as long as he meets X hours per day, they aren’t fussed when he does them) so sometimes he’ll work like a “usual” person and do a 9-5 but most of the time, he often takes an extended lunch break to spend time with me and baby whilst I’m on Mat Leave. I’ve been really lucky to have him here!

@setmestraightplease Yes! This is exactly how I feel. The way they are treating him then impacts his mood, which can ultimately impact our relationship. This isn’t the first time that his MIL has been like this. When we both lived at their house during Covid, she became awful. I forgot to pick up her prescription once (I was out getting mine) and she proceeded to call me a slag who did it on purpose so you can imagine the kind of person she is!

@BlastedPimples Yeah, he is doing well at trying to set boundaries. I just feel sad that he has to work hard to try and enforce anything without being made to feel like an awful person. He’s previously “kicked her out” (asked her to leave an hour after she invited herself over as we had plans and she borrowed a car so turned up) and he’s continuously being berated by family members both to his face and behind his back for doing so.

It’s so hard because, unfortunately, I am one of these people who don’t necessarily like their MIL but I would never be one to stop her from being involved, I just wish I had a place to say she needs to stop and that my partner will decide when she is to come over. My partner is doing a great job at dealing with it to some extent but I think he doesn’t want to push it too far and cause a big fall out.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 08/11/2024 06:02

Mil is a pest. Her moody response to your dh's refusals are designed to wear him down to agree to do exactly what she wants.

Your dh is doing fine. He just needs to keep up the consistency of refusing to do exactly what she wants, when she wants.

Her visits have to suit both of you. She can't just come over when she feels like it. Thank goodness she can't or won't drive or can't be arsed to come over by herself otherwise you'd never be free of her.

purplehair1 · 08/11/2024 00:11

How can he possibly be available to pick his mum up EVERY DAY between 3 and 5 if he is working from home? Apart from the intrusiveness of it can’t he use work as a valid reason to say no?

setmestraightplease · 07/11/2024 23:00

Haven't read all of the comments but ........

I can totally understand how you feel !
You want to protect the man you love from the hurt you can see he's feeling - but don't want to overstep the mark and tell him how he should react.

It's all very well for PPs to say things along the lines of ' leave him to it to work it out, or 'it's none of your business to interfere' or ' his family so his problem' .......

........but I'd hate to have any of these people as my friends tbh.

Friends want to help. Friends can offer constructive advice.

You're his partner and it is your business!

and it so often helps to have someone who's not emotionally involved suggest ways of helping the situation or reassuring you that it's not your fault your family treat you like this ........ because people don't want to appear unreasonable or don't want to hurt family members they love.

But sometimes it's the advice that people need to hear to help them take action.

I think you know your partner best and you know whether he just wants a listening ear or whether he could do with some advice/ suggestions of how to deal with it all.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just 'tell it straight'

If he accepts your perspective / suggestions, all well and good.

If not, he can tell you to butt out - but he still knows you're coming from a good place

I hope you can help him feel better about saying 'no' to his mum (she does sound quite exhausting tbh! 😬)

Noseybookworm · 07/11/2024 22:44

Your DH is a grown man OP, let him deal with his own mother and brother. If he doesn't want to be taken advantage of, he needs to stand up for himself.

Original poster
NavigatingAdulthood · 07/11/2024 22:36

Thanks everyone, I didn’t realise the thread was still going. I appreciate everyone’s comments!

My MIL is not clinically disabled. She stopped working around 10 years ago when the family got some inheritance and has never returned - she is now experiencing pain in her legs when she walks around for too long, from being so inactive. However, she can still drive, stand in a queue etc.

I don’t ever like to think I’m on my OH’s case, I just know he likes to talk about it a lot but then I recognise he is in a hard place as they are his family. I have no personal contact with his brother anymore, I’ve got some strong views about him too funnily enough.

I honestly try and keep things fair. She has an evident problem with that but no one takes priority when it comes to seeing our son. For example, if my MIL sees him once a week, then I will meet up with my parents once too. However, my own parents are much more involved in suggestions, texting in advance with plans, wanting to take us out and spend time with us all. My MIL only cares about seeing “her baby” (which ironically and irritatingly is my son) and will expect us to drop everything when she wants to see him. I love my OH very much and just really hate the idea he is being taken for granted. I don’t want to overstep but I’m getting more and more annoyed at how they are treating him.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/11/2024 20:59

He seems to be doing quite well standing up for himself - hence the bollocks from the pair of them that's pissed him off.

Stay as you are - nice and supportive/sympathetic of him/that he's absolutely in the right and he'll get better at making those boundaries stronger. Don't encourage a schedule because they'll be shrieking about how it isn't enough at the same time as insisting it's engraved onto stone tablets, put on display at the British Museum and codified into International Law for the next 30 years that she personally owns your kid for 3 evenings, every Saturday and Sunday and all Christmases, Easters, Bank Holidays, school holidays and all sunny, warm, wet, cold, snowy and drizzly days between January and December now and in perpetuity.

Cherrysoup · 07/11/2024 20:52

Every day is waaaaay too much! I’d reduce it to max once a week. When do you get to do what you want?! See your family?

LivelyMintViper · 07/11/2024 20:49

I'd have at her and his brother with some home truths. With luck they'll both be so offended they won't be bothering you or DH
It may be his family but this is impacting on you too . He may feel unable to tackle this but it's your home too. Insist on a reduction of demands.

MrsRaspberry · 07/11/2024 20:40

Sounds like your MIL needs to get a hobby or find a job. She sounds just plain rude trying to invite herself to your home. She needs to understand that her son is a grown adult with a family and responsibilities of his own. His mother is not his responsibility. Shes acting like a brat begging to be brought over when she knows you're busy and don't have time to entertain people in your home. He should tell the brother if he's that concerned he can spend his time pandering to her demands rather than calling you guys selfish for not doing so

ohyesido · 07/11/2024 15:41

YABU how must your DP feel with his DM, DP and DW all getting on his case like this?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 07/11/2024 15:27

I agree with Spendorsave set up a routine and that will stop a lot of the continuous requests and you'll be able to pre-plan so the visits are nicer and probably longer than random drop ins when the baby may be asleep or crying non-stop because they are tired.

If your DH asks for a suggestion how about he tells his brother to bring MIL over to see you all the time as he feels so strongly about it.

crockofshite · 07/11/2024 15:22

She's 52 and doesn't work!

Jeeeze .... She's got all day to get herself over to see her grandchild, she has nothing else to do except stuff she wants to do for herself.

I can't believe it when I read about these lazy arse entitled women who expect others to run round after them.

Unless there's a huge back story and she's disabled and can't do anything for herself...

Original poster
NavigatingAdulthood · 03/11/2024 10:27

@dontcryformeargentina I haven’t mentioned anything, as I said above! I never say anything, just listen. I just make sure he feels he can vent to me ☺️

OP posts:
dontcryformeargentina · 03/11/2024 10:23

Hont1986 · 03/11/2024 10:03

Poor bloke, he gets all that from his mum and brother, and then he gets home and you're on at him too! Maybe just be sympathetic?

Exactly this.. It seems that he is too nice / poor boundaries and getting abused on all fronts

Original poster
NavigatingAdulthood · 03/11/2024 10:20

To clarify, I haven’t spoken to him about it! I just gave him a hug when he came home and then proceeded to cook dinner, let him talk it through and get out how he was feeling and then we just continued with our evening.

MIL is 52, separated but still living at same home with XH (they’re civil and he works long hours Mon-Fri and then keeps himself busy during weekends). She doesn’t have a car and doesn’t work.

I know she wants to be busy as I guess she is feeling lonely (she sees people outside of their usual working hours) but I’ve always been under the assumption that because my partner WFH (meaning he is not out at an office) she thinks he will go and get her. I personally have quite an off ish relationship with her but have previously never said no to her being around. However, the more I hear about her behaviour towards him, the more I feel inclined to keep my distance and almost want to encourage him to set boundaries. Maybe I’ll suggest setting in an arrangement - that sounds like a good idea; thank you!

OP posts:
Sweepsthepillowclean · 03/11/2024 10:04

Did her bring your child when he visited?

Hont1986 · 03/11/2024 10:03

Poor bloke, he gets all that from his mum and brother, and then he gets home and you're on at him too! Maybe just be sympathetic?

Spendorsave · 03/11/2024 09:57

Does your MiL live by herself?
She sounds as though she is lonely.
Has she not got much going on in her life?
I think she is being very unreasonable in not seeing that you and your DP have your own busy lives and you need time to enjoy each other's company with your wee baby.
I think if as you say, your DP does a lot to help her when she needs help, he should be putting in place a regular arrangement where she is welcome to come to your home one day a week. Then she can see her gc and enjoy socialising with you all.
I think your DP really needs to be firm about this: that he is available to help her when she needs it but he needs personal time with his family.
And he should encourage her to build an independent social life of her own.

BPR · 03/11/2024 09:53

OP, his family and his situation to sort out.
However, I think you need to start protecting yourself and your child from people like that.
I wouldn't want her around my child and I wouldn't want her in my house.

Be careful about staying in such a poisonous dynamic.
Being involved with a man from an awful family brings years of stress and grief.
Is that really what you want?

Longhotsummers · 03/11/2024 09:52

Why doesn’t he take your child to visit her and then he can leave when he wants?

Allfur · 03/11/2024 09:52

How old us mil, why is she so incapable of getting across town on her own?

Original poster
NavigatingAdulthood · 03/11/2024 09:49

Thank you so far, I get what you’re all saying! I haven’t mentioned anything to him but my heart just hurts to know how much he does for them all and to get this in return.

OP posts:
DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 03/11/2024 09:48

Your MIL and BIL weren't going to hear anything he'd have to say so he's probably right to just walk away and save himself the emotional energy and a longer, nastier fight.