Childcare costs

Where did I state I was being generous? Simply that I agree with paying a decent / fair wage?

btw she has 28 days leave plus bank holidays so above legal requirement, seeing as you’re intent with trying to show a lack of decency in pay and treatment when it is the polar opposite! And actually gets around another 4 weeks paid holiday per year whilst we are on holiday. Oh and works 3 hours a day now my child is at pre school. But don’t worry, keep going with your own agenda… oh and I am by no means complaining about my childcare costs, I am not the OP…!

Good!
28 days leave is a legal standard though, that’s not generosity on your part. Same with tax and pension.

Where did I say I don’t agree with it?! Simply that Nannys are a similar rate / slightly more but fully qualified with experience and au pairs aren’t. Therefore an au pair would be ‘solve’ OPs question.
I fully agree with paying a decent wage for childcare - my wonderful live in nanny is on £40k with tax, pension, 28 days leave, and food and board!

Thing is though you can’t do everything. With both of you doing long ish hours you have to have a nanny and you’ll be paying for that. You sort of just have to suck up the cost of it and ride it out over the next decade until your youngest is more independent. Some jobs just can’t work within strict 8-6 pick-ups. Even though we haven’t needed to use a nanny yet, we factored in a decade of nanny costs to our life insurance calculation as we knew we’d need more expensive childcare if there was just one of us.

However, I do think it’s quite rare for both parents to be going full pelt with their careers. You’re doing well to be managing but you can’t do everything. I’d also say lots of senior men do start to realise they’re missing out. My husband is ceo level and feels the passing of time with the children and recognises he often misses out because of the demands of his role. When I had a more demanding role, we were stressed and stretched too far. I still have a good job but it’s much more planned and less reactive than my old one. I could have become a stay at home mum but I’m glad I’ve maintained my carer as it gives us options but it absolutely stings when i can’t make a school event or spend as much time with mine as I’d like.

On the whole though, it definitely applies to women more than men.

I might not TELL my male lawyer boss that as it would be deeply unprofessional, but I definitely think it.

I don’t think that’s particularly true, I know plenty of men who have taken extended paternity leave, reduced their hours in work or chanced their work schedule in some way to accommodate having young children. It’s not that strange for fathers to want to see their kids too.

I'm not responsible for what other people might say. I didn't say anything of the sort.

OP does have a point though. No one tells male lawyers that they will never get this time back and other clearly emotive language.

How come you’ve got nursery AND a nanny? Do you work unsociable hours?

If that was what I meant, I would have said it. You keep putting words in my mouth and I suspect you are projecting.

And as I said, most people don't work those kind of hours. I didn't say they were "crazy", that was your language not mine.

I'm only going off what you've said and you've clearly stated that you do not work only 9.30 to 6pm. You're being disingenuous.

@Fluufer some people want to live above bare minimum and survival. It’s partially a choice but also as OP says she wants to give her kids a better future. Wish more people were striving for better.

Stick with it. These are the hard yards. Your kids will thank you for being in their own home form 3pm with a trusted professional and you in the background/at hand.
I too was at a certain career stage when my son was born which meant we needed a Nanny, 3 long days per week. Sometimes I’d have to be on a train at 7am, other weeks do an overnight in London because of a late finish.
In the years before school, we paid through the nose for the best care we could have for our son, and I would have the odd wave of feeling it was financially crazy to be handing over such a large amount of my earnings…but fast forward a decade and I don’t regret it one bit.
The financial load will lighten, but for now you are giving your children a kind and gentle alternative to you being the full time carer.
it was just over 10 years ago now, but I was paying £2,400 a month + car + gym for 3 days per week, and then preschool fees on top of that to help my son prepare for school. I do not regret a single penny of that!

Tbh i know loads of lawyers and know very very few where both have remained in the private practice long hours client facing roles post kids.

In all one or other has:

• gone in house where hours are better
• gone to civil service legal where pay is much poorer but hours MUCH better and pensions valuable
• dropped to part time
• stopped entirely
• switched to academic/tutoring

You can't squeeze children into an already full life, there have to be changes.

What other lady? I’m talking about women and mothers in the workplace in general. I don’t think giving up a career you’ve worked incredibly hard to achieve is easy on anybody, nor is deciding to be financially dependent on your husband. It’s not that black and white. She’s lucky to be in a position where she can be with her children AND not be in dire financial straits for it (and indeed have paid help for part of the week) but I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision however much she loves being at home for the children. I’m just pointing out that the industry you work in is probably never going to allow for you to easily do less hours. If you’re happy with the current set up, you want to advance in your industry, and you have a good, trustworthy nanny that will stick around then there’s not much more to be done except keep paying for it.

In fairness though OP most people don't work those kind of hours, kids or not. It is very much a choice for you both to work that much instead of spending time with your kids. Which is fine if it is what you all want, we all have different priorities.

But you have essentially admitted that you value other things. Your mark of being a good parent is being a provider. If you genuinely did want to spend lots of time with your children you would organise your life differently.

Perhaps if gender norms weren’t so entrenched your partner would have used his unemployment as a spur to consider transferring to another area and allowing you to lean into the Big Job.

If you both want to do the long hours version of the Big Job then you will need an extraordinary amount of childcare and that means extraordinary costs. However it is possible to be materially comfortable, keep a more balanced view of how much material wealth you need to set up for your children, and pursue career success that doesn’t make the demands that law does.