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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To walk away immediately from this

306 replies

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 07:34

I met a man through a mutual group of friends. Let’s call him Chad . We’ve been seeing each other a few months, although nothing serious yet.

Chad and I are supposed to go on a trip at the end of november to see a concert. I have the tickets and hotel booking and he hasn’t paid his share yet.

Our mutual friends are throwing an engagement party in December. We were both invited. The engaged couple know we’ve been seeing each other. It’s not a secret.

An old flame of Chad’s is also going to the party. She is flying in from overseas. I know he hasn’t seen her since she left the U.K but they were casually dating before she left.

I jokingly asked Chad if I needed to be concerned that he’d be with her at the party, rather than me.

Chad said he actually wasn’t sure…but feels it might be best to agree that he and I aren’t “together” at the party itself as he “doesn’t want to be in a difficult situation”.

I have told Chad that that didn’t work for me, that I’m keeping the concert tickets and to not contact me ever again.

Chad wants to talk about it some more. Chad thinks he should be allowed more time to think it through. He feels I’m being pushy and giving him an ultimatum.

I’ve told Chad to shove it up his arse and the very fact he even has to think about it, tells me everything I need to know about how he perceives me. He thinks that’s unfair of me before we’ve even talked about it.

I don’t think IABU here, surely?

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 03/11/2024 12:11

Beautifully done. Applause! 👏

McCheck · 03/11/2024 12:09

well done OP 👏👏👏👏👏

rosesaredeadvioletsaretoo · 03/11/2024 12:08

👏 👏 👏 GOOD FOR YOU. We should all be more like this. Value yourself and don’t make excuses for shitty behavior. 100% right.

Maria1979 · 03/11/2024 12:06

Pilliowformyknees · 03/11/2024 10:25

Resentful much ?
You're not helping the OP in any way just showing you are still emotionally connected to this guy and want another chance with him but have gotten knocked up and are overrun with internal resentment that you cant

Projecting much? I did not read in anything of what you said at all in the poster...

TypingoftheDead · 03/11/2024 12:04

swiftieswoop · 03/11/2024 11:54

So someone in an identical position to you then. Funny that.

His ex shagging partner left the country, maybe he didn’t know she was going to come back, so moved on (which is reasonable). I’m being generous, though. As a PP said, he might have been keeping in touch and either hoped she’d come back to him or considered them to be in some kind of long distance situation.
OP doesn’t seem like the kind of person who is happy to just shag around with someone who isn’t serious about her, so no, she’s not in an identical position to the “ex”.

Foxxo · 03/11/2024 12:02

to be honest, the use of 'difficult situation' makes me think he's been carrying on 'talking' to her while she's been overseas.

betterangels · 03/11/2024 12:02

Sampler · 03/11/2024 11:30

I do hope the ex from abroad brings a partner and Chad ends up looking like an even bigger dick.

That would be brilliant. Chad, you fool.

betterangels · 03/11/2024 12:00

StMarieforme · 03/11/2024 07:46

This is brilliant!

OP you've made the right choice. Some men will always try to hedge their bets and he's one of them.

Yes, good for you, OP.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 03/11/2024 11:58

Twat - you are completely right with your instincts.

I still don't get the fact that 'exclusivity' exists at all. I would finish with anyone who felt it needed to be discussed... and who cares if that made me single. It would filter a whole section of the population who (I feel it's not unreasonable to assume) are perpetually looking to level up their chosen partner.

If a relationship is casual that's a different thing - you make that clear from the start and it's not a question of anyone finally deciding you are worthy. If you thought a relationship had potential to be a long-term thing and then it doesn't work out, you end it quickly. It's not hard.

KimberleyClark · 03/11/2024 11:58

Bullet well dodged. He obviously has hopes of rekindling things with his old flame. Or he wouldn’t mind her knowing you are an item.

swiftieswoop · 03/11/2024 11:54

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 08:36

I’m afraid I don’t agree. All the friends at the party know we’ve been seeing each other. It’d be so humiliating to have to pretend we weren’t. She isn’t even a proper ex. Just someone he was shagging. He just wants to keep his options open, I think.

So someone in an identical position to you then. Funny that.

Bellyblueboy · 03/11/2024 11:46

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 03/11/2024 11:38

I think it all seems way too intense. The formal introductions. The wanting to detail how time will be spent together. I remember meeting a woman at a party who literally held onto her partner's shirt tail as he tried to talk to other guests. I've just never been that type. I'm likely to point vaguely across the room to my partner who is talking with other people at a social event. Just always been secure in myself that way.

I think we have taken different things from this.

you have done the but I’m a cool girl I can be independent at a party and talk to other people - this woman needs to be stuck to her man I case he glanced at another girl.

i have taken it that Chad wants to be able to tell people he isn’t in a relationship with OP because he might want to rekindle his relationship with this old flame. Which is great he is being honest. But then he is turning on OP by saying she is pressuring him. I would walk away because I have self esteem and would be in any sort of relationship with man who wanted to pretend he ain’t seeing me in case it reduces his chances of veto g it on with his ex.

its not about being stuck together at the party, its about self worth.

Lemonadeand · 03/11/2024 11:42

A woman who knows her worth. Well done, OP!

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 03/11/2024 11:38

Bellyblueboy · 03/11/2024 11:27

@ThatWarmJadeSeal

But Chad has said he might spend most of his evening with someone he used to sleep with, and doesn’t want to acknowledge he is dating OP. Chad wants to keep his options open.

OP has been seeing Chad for a few months and they have plans together (which Chad hasn’t paid his half of).

all signs point to Chad not wanting a relationship with OP. He’s just not that into her.

Edited

I think it all seems way too intense. The formal introductions. The wanting to detail how time will be spent together. I remember meeting a woman at a party who literally held onto her partner's shirt tail as he tried to talk to other guests. I've just never been that type. I'm likely to point vaguely across the room to my partner who is talking with other people at a social event. Just always been secure in myself that way.

StripeyDeckchair · 03/11/2024 11:38

You are fabulous
You have clear boundaries & aren't afraid to put them in place & stick to them.

He, is showing his true colours & they're not good ones.
If he starts making trouble in your mutual friends group I hope you'll be open about why you split io with him

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 03/11/2024 11:36

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 08:43

This man is asking me to basically leave him alone that night, so he can keep his options open to shag his casual ex. Maybe not after the wedding, but at least in the weeks after while she’s still in town. He can’t risk her thinking he’s unavailable.

There’s no doubt about what his intention is.

No dancing with him, no sitting with him, no evidence whatsoever that we’re anything more than acquaintances.

No bloody thanks.

Edited

And he explicitly outlined these rules?

AbbeyGrange · 03/11/2024 11:33

TheFluffyTwo · 03/11/2024 09:09

A woman knowing her worth as a human being and demanding at least the bare minimum of respect.

You love to see it. 👏👏👏

(P.S. Shudder to think who or what in the past has given Chad the impression that this behaviour will fly.)

Yes I'm impressed too, the amount of women that put up with any old shit from blokes because of their low self esteem is astounding.....go OP!

Sampler · 03/11/2024 11:30

I do hope the ex from abroad brings a partner and Chad ends up looking like an even bigger dick.

Moier · 03/11/2024 11:27

Take a male friend to the party.
See how he likes it.

Bellyblueboy · 03/11/2024 11:27

@ThatWarmJadeSeal

But Chad has said he might spend most of his evening with someone he used to sleep with, and doesn’t want to acknowledge he is dating OP. Chad wants to keep his options open.

OP has been seeing Chad for a few months and they have plans together (which Chad hasn’t paid his half of).

all signs point to Chad not wanting a relationship with OP. He’s just not that into her.

atotalshambles · 03/11/2024 11:24

I think I would rather be single forever than go within 100m of this idiot.

Todaywasbetter · 03/11/2024 11:23

‘Just a girl he’s been shagging’ isn’t that what you are as well?

But yeah, chuck him if you don’t like the situation

MagicMagpie · 03/11/2024 11:22

Excellent response, OP! Assert yourself and leave Chad hanging.

snugasapug · 03/11/2024 11:21

OP you are brilliant! I aspire to set boundaries like this. You’ve absolutely made the right call. Well done

TheTrumptonRiots · 03/11/2024 11:19

I'm just wondering why you gave him the name Chad. Gobshite would have been more apt 😂