Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk away immediately from this

306 replies

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 07:34

I met a man through a mutual group of friends. Let’s call him Chad . We’ve been seeing each other a few months, although nothing serious yet.

Chad and I are supposed to go on a trip at the end of november to see a concert. I have the tickets and hotel booking and he hasn’t paid his share yet.

Our mutual friends are throwing an engagement party in December. We were both invited. The engaged couple know we’ve been seeing each other. It’s not a secret.

An old flame of Chad’s is also going to the party. She is flying in from overseas. I know he hasn’t seen her since she left the U.K but they were casually dating before she left.

I jokingly asked Chad if I needed to be concerned that he’d be with her at the party, rather than me.

Chad said he actually wasn’t sure…but feels it might be best to agree that he and I aren’t “together” at the party itself as he “doesn’t want to be in a difficult situation”.

I have told Chad that that didn’t work for me, that I’m keeping the concert tickets and to not contact me ever again.

Chad wants to talk about it some more. Chad thinks he should be allowed more time to think it through. He feels I’m being pushy and giving him an ultimatum.

I’ve told Chad to shove it up his arse and the very fact he even has to think about it, tells me everything I need to know about how he perceives me. He thinks that’s unfair of me before we’ve even talked about it.

I don’t think IABU here, surely?

OP posts:
TheTrumptonRiots · 03/11/2024 15:12

SerafinasGoose · 03/11/2024 12:19

From dictionary of the manosphere:

Chads are the “ultimate alpha” – the ultra-masculine, virile, powerful and sexually attractive man to whom Stacys [attractive women] and other women flock.

Sounds as though that's the way this bloke and others like him see themselves, if he wants to keep various options open for sex and thinks this is a matter in any way up for discussion.

Chad will be easily recognised on this site because it's populated by MRA types and their enablers: the kind of women who love to tell other women they're being too harsh on the poor darlings, that they 'hate' men if they have some self-respect and require certain standards in a partner, and that they should just give sexually-incontinent males one more free pass because 'he might have depression'.

That was cathartic .... 😂

Edited
Show quote history

You obviously needed to get that off your chest 🤣 thank you for enlightening me obviously more imported nonsense I'm a bloke myself and I'm old school so I'd still use the word Gobshite for the Chads of this world 😉

RampantIvy · 03/11/2024 15:07

To me, this is exactly what dating should be for, and used to be for. Seeing multiple people until you wanted to commit exclusively to one of them.

To me this isn't what dating is about. I'm a dinosaur, but I don't think dating should be treated like a box of chocolates. Surely, you have a few dates with someone to see if you want to progress further, and if you don't you go on to the next one. I would hate to think I was one chocolate among many while seeing someone.

andIsaid · 03/11/2024 15:04

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 08:43

This man is asking me to basically leave him alone that night, so he can keep his options open to shag his casual ex. Maybe not after the wedding, but at least in the weeks after while she’s still in town. He can’t risk her thinking he’s unavailable.

There’s no doubt about what his intention is.

No dancing with him, no sitting with him, no evidence whatsoever that we’re anything more than acquaintances.

No bloody thanks.

Edited
Show quote history

It is so odd.

If she refuses, he comes over to you and says what ? "Right babe, let's leave, she didn't want me?

Is that who he thinks you are?

😂

IntrovertInDisguise · 03/11/2024 14:57

YABU to have called him Chad because in my head he then never had a chance, no matter how the story had unfolded.

😂🤣😂

Avatartar · 03/11/2024 14:41

Life’s too short to be an option he’s treating you as if he’s approaching a buffet

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/11/2024 14:38

.

bluegreygreen · 03/11/2024 14:37

An old flame of Chad’s is also going to the party. She is flying in from overseas. I know he hasn’t seen her since she left the U.K but they were casually dating before she left

I did wonder from this bit of the original post if the ex actually knows she is an ex, or if Chad has been even more economical with the truth than @Consoprize realises.

StaunchMomma · 03/11/2024 14:36

Sounds like you're not that bothered about him and know your worth so all the claps for that, OP 👏👏👏

If you're anything like me, you'll now be booking a good hairdresser/MUA and buying an absolutely killer outfit so you can march in there feeling a million dollars and show that twat what he's missed out on.

Petty? Yes.

The best excuse to splurge on yourself? Absolutely!!

Maray1967 · 03/11/2024 14:32

But a friend of mine could beat your situation hands down. Her ‘DH’ of several years had an affair and asked for time to work out which of them he wanted to be with. He seemed astounded when she immediately started divorce proceedings. He also seemed upset when she moved on with her life, got a promotion at work, bought a new house and found someone else.

Maray1967 · 03/11/2024 14:29

Consoprize · 03/11/2024 08:20

I absolutely love this.

Show quote history

So do I. Go for it. Chad needs a lesson here - a big one.

StaunchMomma · 03/11/2024 14:27

SensibleSigma · 03/11/2024 07:43

Man tries to have his cake and eat it. Discovers woman isn’t a cafe.

Love this!

Gymnopedie · 03/11/2024 14:19

I don't see that as being treated like crap. I'm at a party to mingle, not showcase my relationship. I would be surprised if I spend 50% of the time by his side, I'm chatting and dancing and things.

That's a lot different to don't come anywhere near me at all (not even 'less than 50% of the time') because there's someone else there that I might want to get off with. Would you be quite so cool with that?

Stravaig · 03/11/2024 14:14

Hang on.

You've 'been seeing each other a few months, although nothing serious yet'
&
'they were casually dating before she left.'

You and she are in exactly the same category. Two women he has casually dated. They stopped casually dating when she left, then he started casually dating you.

To me, this is exactly what dating should be for, and used to be for. Seeing multiple people until you wanted to commit exclusively to one of them.

Casually dating is not commitment, or even exclusivity.

If you like him, why not simply carry on casually seeing him, as you have been perfectly happy doing until now; while also seeing what happens between him and others, and between you and others.

You have been invited to this party as an individual, so go and have fun with whoever you might meet. You might get on well this old flame, for starters.

Trying to force the issue by assuming and demanding a commitment that simply isn't there, is, to me, artificial, irrational, counterproductive, a bit odd.

Posting as I see I this is a minority view!

teatoast8 · 03/11/2024 14:09

YANBU he's an arsehole x

thestudio · 03/11/2024 14:05

@ThatWarmJadeSeal would you be so chill if your partner went off with his ex at the party where you were securely mingling?

Because that's what he's saying - that he might do that.

BoudiccasBangles · 03/11/2024 14:04

Get rid. What a dick.

Brucethesharkk · 03/11/2024 14:03

I dated a man in a somewhat controversial profession. As far as I was concerned thought we were exclusive then mid text convo one day sent me a print screen of a girl sending him horrible messages about what he does for a living on a dating app like “look what this girl has just called me!”. I responded and said “did you mean to send that to me” and he replied confused and was like yeah? What’s the issue?

He genuinely didn’t seem to see a problem in showing me screenshots of him talking to other people on dating apps Confused the mind boggles with these people.

Cuppachino · 03/11/2024 13:51

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 03/11/2024 11:38

I think it all seems way too intense. The formal introductions. The wanting to detail how time will be spent together. I remember meeting a woman at a party who literally held onto her partner's shirt tail as he tried to talk to other guests. I've just never been that type. I'm likely to point vaguely across the room to my partner who is talking with other people at a social event. Just always been secure in myself that way.

Show quote history

What on earth are you talking about? You're distorting the whole OP to make silly points about YOU.

There's no way in hell I'd allow a man who I'd been seeing for months to deny me.

Msmoonpie · 03/11/2024 13:49

Even after all these years there are apparently still new lows for men to sink to.

He just wanted to be not in a relationship for the night in case he fancied a shag with someone else ? And was shocked when you didn’t readily agree ?

Lord above. I’m curious - If you speak to him again how would he feel with you having a free pass to do the same ?

MatchingBedding · 03/11/2024 13:48

Bloody wonderful! I love your self respect! Your self worth and your straight forward no nonsense fabulousness! Sod him right off. He is a user, if he cared about you or your feelings he would not be behaving like this. I really hope the ex casual fling laughs in his face and he sits in a corner on his own.

BirthdayRainbow · 03/11/2024 13:43

I read the OP then posted. Now I'm really enjoying looking forward to @Consoprize 's replies to the doormats on this thread.

T2Electricity · 03/11/2024 13:42

YANBU - definitely walk away immediately - well done not falling for his BS.

How revealing that he genuinely thinks that he is owed thinking time and your decision about him being in your life is an ultimatum. Grim.

295bkq · 03/11/2024 13:35

Oh what a filthy fucker

You've done the right thing

The fact that he's badged this up as an ultimatum is telling.

I'd just text saying, no ultimatum, no hard feelings, just didn't work out, see you around.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 03/11/2024 13:35

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 03/11/2024 08:40

I don't think it's about pretending you aren't.. I really think that's something you took from the conversation because it just isn't logical that the people who know would be told you're not together. I really think he means not to parade it around and use the social event as an opportunity to announce his new relationship.

Do you take a lot of security from being formally announced as Mrs Chad?

Show quote history

Dont try to gaslight OP in to thinking she’s in the wrong with your last sentence…

Another man apologist on MN ( what a surprise)

They have been seeing each other for a few months.

Their friends know they are together.

He wants to try to shag his ex FWB

BirthdayRainbow · 03/11/2024 13:34

Bloody hell! Fabulous to see a women shut down shit immediately, pushing back against him trying to dictate and knowing your worth. Good decision.