Again & again

Sometimes it just feels too overwhelming and scary to try to change things in such an enormous way. You think about it but don’t know where to start. You have spent years trying to make things as non volatile as possible, so it goes completely against the grain to instigate what feels like it will be the worst kind of upheaval and upset in the world. It is like paralysis, a feeling of being trapped. And it is easier just to carry on carrying on. You read people’s advice but you can’t apply it to yourself. Well done for leaving, you must have been very brave.

I stopped having sex with my ex, because he was an abusive prick and it was the one thing I could still control. No child deserves to have him for a father and thank God I didn't have one with him, I only hope his latest victim, sorry girlfriend, isn't going through what I went through (all the others have wised up to his narcissistic behaviours but this one seems to be in it for the long haul).

In all the tragic posts on the Relationship board from women in terrible, often abusive, relationships, not one of them is ever staying in the relationship for sex. It's normally lack of money, no family support and fear of having to share often 50:50 custody for the children with an abusive man, who couldn't give a shit about his kids but just uses them to punish her.

You have absolutely no idea.

Op, some mean partners will have access to the children for days each week and the children could suffer there alone..

Right, just like that…

it’s obvious you’ve never been in this position.

I think it's great the OP has solved abusive relationships. Great.

Now can she fix the climate crisis? Then the economy. Don't hate on her, she has all the answers 🙄

Its not easy to leave, but we are in a country whereby there is a lot of help to do so, and financial support from the government if living alone. I left when my kids were 2 and 5. They are 16 and 20 now, they are close to their dad and I moved on from the situation that occurred to cause me to leave (not abuse, related to ex and my older child, not his bio child) so that we were friends and i’ve always consulted him on big things and we generally have a similar view on parenting.

I grew up in an unhappy home. Parents hated each other, my mum says she doesn’t know why they didn’t separate. I guess it wasn’t as easy in the 80’s as it is now. All I know is that my kids won’t ever turn to me and ask why I let them be a witness to all the arguments and sometimes physical (this was more from my mum who had a mental illness) altercations. I knew once things started to go wrong in my relationship that I wasn’t going to put my children through what I went through. Anyone who says the kids are unaware are kidding themselves. Things are good for me financially now, through sheer hard work. I could have had a very different life had I stayed, but staying in an unhappy relationship which was impacting on my children wasn’t going to happen on my watch.

It's so hard to leave. I was with my ex for 15 years, I got with him when I was 24. He ground me down with years of abuse so I was too scared to leave and be on my own. I was constantly told I wouldn't cope on my own, that I was useless, that I would lose everything, that no one else would want me. Being told that almost every day you start to believe that.

When we did split up, he even told my parents that they should take all my money off me as I can't be trusted with it and would waste it. That all my friends weren't actually my friends just after my money.

I do look back and ask myself why I didn't leave but at the time I was not the woman I am now or the woman I was before I met him. It was only thanks to one guy I randomly met and became friends with that I realised I could go it alone.

You sound like the people who work hard, get lucky, and earn millions to turn around and say 'I could do this, why can't you?'

OP it's wonderful it worked out for you, and I smile every time I read a post or hear of someone making it out of an abusive situation, but it's not as easy as you're making it sound. In fact, it's clear it's not, otherwise you never would've been in that situation and would've walked away at the very first sign of abuse.

If you want to make a difference and help people in that situation, may I suggest volunteering with one of the wonderful orgs that helps women in this situation. With a minor attitude change (less victim blaming) I think this perspective can be really helpful in being a no-nonsense advocate helping people out of abusive relationships.

You can’t throw him out if his name is on the deeds/rental agreement!
Its just not that simple.

Throw out an abusive bully of a man? Come on OP, you can't be that naive...

But in the OP you say it is that easy?

You also ask why do they accept crumbs- why don’t you tell us why you accepted crumbs before you left?

You are hopelessly wrong about how difficult it it is. To the extent that you are part of the problem.It took me years of active planning.

You are ignoring why people have low self esteem in the first place.
You are underestimating how corrosive to you self esteem an abuser is, and how you don’t even realize it.
Not everyone has family close by, and people feel shame about outing being a shit relationship to friends (they might be like you!)

l lived in fear of being murdered during that time.

When I think back on that time I sometimes cry with relief and gratitude to the old me who got me and the kids out of there. I am in awe of her that she was so brave when she was so scared.

You are being worse than unreasonable. Your post is ignorant, flippant, immature and judgemental. You are not in other women’s shoes. You are not in their relationship. You don’t know what is best for them because you are not them.

Life is not black and white; there’s never an all-good option or all-bad option. Don’t use other women’s choices as an ego boost for yourself.

YABU as there are at least weekly threads complaining about this, all of which get the same responses as you are getting now. 🤷 I suggest reading a few of them, then you would have your answer and you wouldn't come across so ignorant and judgemental.

Leaving is literally the most dangerous time in leaving an abusive relationship.

Well done on getting away and starting a new life OP but please don't condemn others who haven't been able to do this for a number of reasons. You are being very unreasonable.

YABU and horribly judgmental. Just because you found it oh so easy to leave does not mean others will, there may be many many reasons for this so just stop.

Just leave! Is such a simplistic response.

Apart from anything else, the courts will almost certainly award 50/50 custody. This means that the woman won’t be able to minimise/protect her children if the dad is nasty/horrible but not a level that can be prosecuted.

It’s also an incredibly privileged perspective- leaving might not be financially possible.

Wow! I lived abroad, he took my money as soon as I was paid, I even had a separate bank account but as the workers in th3 bank know your partner they used to give him access to it anyway. I struggled to save money, had no family or anyone I could turn to, I lived a miserable for 5 years until someone took pity on me and paid for a flight home.
You clearly have zero idea, it's not as simple and easy as you think! I also didn't have kids with him so I guess in your eyes it was even easier

I left with children under 3 myself. Yes it was right to do but as an educated, solvent woman with good friends and family, it was still unbelievably terrifying and hard. It made me realise how much harder it can be for others who didnt have the above. My ex was known by the police, and I genuinely thought I'd die in the process of splitting up. Well done to you for getting out of this situation yourself but I've never myself felt the need to judge others for their choices.

Darling.

No judgement.

You do seem young.

And have done well.

FFS, you can't judge women on your good deeds.

And well done you honestly.

Brilliant.

But don't judge women on your brilliant acts.

Young matey. The best person I know in the world. The woman I love most of all, was a woman who was abused by a dickhead bloke for 30 years.

I spent a long time trying to help. She could not be helped until the time was right.

He died.

I was glad.

I was so glad.

And I am so fucking glad that any woman escapes from a bad man.

I fucking love it when women escape from bad men.

I get it.

If you have been there and done it then you know you ABU or goady.

Because adults put sex and their own needs before what is best for the children they keep on having then try and justify it to themselves, then their parents (grandparents) and or society have to pick up the pieces again and again

When I had to do it nearly 30 years ago none of the five options were available to me. It took me eight years to secretly make a new (forbidden) friend who was prepared to take me in.
Trust me, it is not that easy.