When you see me doing this I'm really ..

Dh once locked himself out of our house but a window just above shoulder height was open. He was busily trying to scramble through it when a passing police car stopped and one of the cops asked politely; 'Can we help?' DH thanked them and asked them if they could manage to hold the window a little wider so he had better access. Then he was in, opened the door thanked them profusely and they all went about their day. (They then did ask for his ID tbf).

I don't get this, if you don't like touching door handles and handrails maybe wear some gloves?

This is a really shit, selfish thing to do. And yes, you absolutely can help it.

I’m not joining in your carefully crafted ‘oh I am so hilarious! I am so quirky and fun!’ self- image, as I am not a ten year old desperate to be accepted by the group.

Your behaviour is tedious and selfish and you should grow up.

When I lived alone and used to order takeaway almost every night I would always approach the front door with loud comments to like 'I'll get the door, you grab the drinks!' Or 'yep that's fine I'll get it!' Just because I didn't want to look greedy.

I usually try to avoid using handrails because of germs.
It makes me go all wobbly on escalators so I have no idea why I think risking plummeting down the escalator is worth avoiding potential germs.

I have no idea what morngy is 🤷

And it's ha'p'orth.

I occasionally have pretend phone calls while walking the dog, to avoid long conversations with the usual subjects. Sometimes, if I'm not in a rush, I don't mind, but often I just can't face it.

This is one of the most wholesomely hilarious things I have ever read 😅. Honestly, whatever gets you through the day.

I'm now thinking about who my imaginary cheerleader should be...

That’s awful! Does this destructive urge extend to people @Itiswhysofew

Sounds like avery British problem 😀

These are hilarious! I'm now going to assume half of people on their phones are having imaginary calls.

The person who breaks biscuits and squashes cakes in the supermarket though - not quirky or funny, it's just spiteful.

Morngy sounds so wrong. I definitely don’t want that in my browser history.

When it is at home it is usually a daft one.

You are going to say you don't know what morngy is next aren't you?

How someone chooses to leave a toilet to avoid germs, is nobody else’s concern, that was my point.The people who, try to avoid germs, could potentially have obsessional compulsive disorder which is a recognised mental health condition.
The post is more to do have adding your own, foibles, is it really necessary to say someone’s behaviour is ridiculous and abnormal? in light of this being a mental health condition.If you think most MN posts are so rubbish, why read them.

.............I had one friend as a child who used this phrase.

I do not care to admit for how many decades I assumed that 'apeth' was something to do with a monkey.

I'm just going to need a quiet minute 😅.

Hayporth/ha'peth however people are spelling it is short for halfpenny (it's a contraction of half penny worth), as in "not quite all there" "not the full shilling" "few sandwiches short of a picnic" but gentler. You daft hayporth! Like calling someone a silly sausage, it's not that mean.

The behaviours IMHO are a mixture of germophobia (the door thing) social awkwardness (pretend phone call) and coping mechanisms for how awful men can be (the fake waving thing). TBH I think it would be exhausting to live like this, get therapy!!!! But that just my opinion, if you're happy, carry on.

The fake browsers: ridiculous, it's a supermarket, say excuse me and get the item you want? Why are you so scared of asking someone to move a few centimetres 🤔

TBF I don't always avoid toilet doors, mainly in McDonald's because they are always greasy 🤢

I don't think the cake squashing MNer is out to ruin anyone's day! It's more of a satisfying sensation thing I bet. And not everyone would find a squashed or snapped biscuit to be the end of the world. Maybe the supermarket would reduce it, I'd buy it then. It tastes the same if it's squashed.

This! I mean, WTF mumsnet? What’s an “apeth” when it’s at home?

I do old fashioned aerobics in the kitchen to the radio and count out loud, and do a little running commentary. " Right high knee rises on the right" "if you are feeling tired, just walk this bit" no idea why, it just makes me laugh.

If I see someone I know in a supermarket, I hide in another aisle. I have no idea why I do this.

Some poor unfortunate person who thought they were buying a nice treat. What an unpleasant thing for that poster to do.

Love this thread. I'm weird about restaurants. It's a new thing but it actually works to my favour since money is tight. I get disgusted by lack of hygiene, or should I say imagined lack of hygiene so I don't want to eat out. Pizza is OK because it get cooked well and you can see it being shoveled from the stove to the plate but that's it.. I do have a friend who has worked in numerous restaurants and have told me things nobody wants to know so it's not just imaginary stuff going through my head. Now I just need someone to put me off chocolate because I eat far too much of it...

If I’m walking and realise I need to turn and go back where I came from (took a wrong turn or accidentally walked past the shop I meant to go to etc) I’m too embarrassed to just turn around and go back in case someone sees and thinks I’m weird (??!) so I’ll act as if someone’s called me and say “oh sure, I’ve just gone past but I’ll head back if you need to get X for you”. I don’t know why.

I also tend to make up lies to taxi drivers about where I’m going as the truth is usually so boring and lying is more fun 😄

This is appalling. In a small way, but appalling. You’re - presumably - a grown up now. Stop it!

Sometimes I put the 'next customer' bar on the supermarket conveyor belt the long way round, I know it makes some people itch.

If / when we have a heatwave I give cans of pop to delivery drivers and the bin men. The bin men have been known to get alcohol free beer.

I've name changed because I know I am weird admitting this.

I work full time with a long commute and have two young children. Like many people I find my life quite stressful at times.

To cope, in these moments I pretend that Chris Pine is my best friend. In my head he is invisible and sitting or walking next to me. He makes supportive comments to me as I go about the daily rigmarole of looking after the kids, commuting, working late. "You smashed it babe", "you are a great mom" and that kind of thing. All the shit that you want to hear but no one says to you.

It's not a relationship of attraction. I don't fancy him. I just think he is someone that doesn't take life too seriously and would be good at giving moral support.

So when people seem me dealing with a toddler meltdown or a delayed train or whatever, I'm imagining Chris Pine looking sympathetic on the sidelines and it helps me keep calm and carry on.

I do have a husband by the way but he is also busy, tired and stressed and can't offer me the unwavering positive support that imaginary Chris Pine does.

Important detail... He always looks like his real self when doing this rather than movie star short back & sides etc. He is also often snacking.