When you see me doing this I'm really ..

I am the last person to leave the house every morning so I also do the wave and shout goodbye to the empty house thing.
I am also the first to get home so I wave and shout hi to the empty house when going in, in case a Baddy Criminal has followed me home!

Yes.
I cross over the road, even when it’s really inconvenient to me.Think l prefer, the wave and hello approach though, sounds so much easier.

Missing the point, I know, but it's not 'hayporth' or 'apeth', it's ha'porth' (or sometimes 'ha'p'orth'). Short for 'halfpennyworth' - something that is only worth a halfpenny, which would only be a small thing... I've always taken 'daft ha'porth' to mean 'silly little thing'.

@marmamumma , ha'p'orth is short for halfpenny worth. A ha'penny is an ancient item of coinage dating back to the Dark Ages of the late 20th century AD

I used to shout "bye mum" up the stairs when leaving the flat I lived in as a teenager when it was actually empty

I've done this OP.

Also, when a large group of people often lads are walking towards me, I can sometimes find this intimidating, I wave and shout hello to my (imaginary) friend behind them - just incase they were planning to attack me.

Ah, sorry. Maybe I looked at a post with the poster quoted. I think I should be able to edit it myself though? Will go back and see.

Bollocks did I. Look back, I came down hard on that poster for their selfish behaviour. If you are going to name check, at least name check the right person. I’d appreciate you asking MN to edit your post to correct it.

Re. the point of the thread, which a lot of people seem to have ignored:

When more self-conscious, if I was walking somewhere and realised I was going the wrong way, I'd make a sort of show of remembering something and having to turn back.
Also have done the chocolate bar thing, like OP. Ooh, these will last me a couple of days etc. Or buying a pizza if I work a Sat, I pretend it's for the team lunch. It's not.

@catscalledbeanz I agree. Really nasty. I slightly anthropomorphise inanimate objects and feel a bit sorry for the ruined food on the shelf. I always assumed it was toddlers or teens being rebellious and vandally. Not actual adults. It's sort of bitter and vengeful in a weird way.

I’m having a stressful time at the moment and I’m going to try out a few Fictional Emotional Support People to see if any of them fit. Not Chris, Alan or Jeremy, obvs, they’re busy enough.

No comments but lovely use of 'daft hayporth'. Only ever heard said out loud by my lovely late grandma so I would have spelt it a'puth (maybe). Thanks for making me smile and remember her today 😊

If it’s late at night and I am walking home from somewhere I inevitably have fake phone calls to deter anyone who might think about doing me a mischief and it’s a double bluff as it looks as if I am not looking at everything that is going on around me but I’m actually hypervigilant.

Also if I’ve had a long or hairy drive (I drive through a lot of very rural places) then when I am safely parked back home, I turn the engine off and pat the car’s steering wheel and say: “Well done little car” as if the car had done all the work. I really don’t know why I do this, it’s almost like a talismanic thing for having got home safely. Also my car isn’t little so I’m using a diminutive to somehow soothe it. I do think this is odd, not the phone thing, but the car thing for sure.

Daft apeth

If I’m walking down the street but realise I need to go the other direction I get my phone out as if I’ve got a message.

@chrispineismybff I think that's great! I have a group of imaginary servants that I pretend are working in the house as I'm falling asleep - two between maids, a cook, and a butler. (They have names.) I think they're inspired by Agatha Christie novels like The Body in the Library. It makes me feel like someone is in charge and relaxes me so I can get to sleep. If I'm unwell, I imagine them very tiny and cleaning /repairing various things in my body, like scrubbing out my arteries or stitching a sore muscle up!
Edited to add: I call out 'hi, everybody!' when I'm coming home, even if I know no-one's there, and 'bye, guys!' when I'm leaving. Just to deter all the baddies.

It's no struggle, I often say bye, see you later, love you, Mummy's going now, be a good girl, have a lovely day, ok one more cuddle etc to my cat.

Takes me 5 extra minutes to leave the house 🤣

And that would make them look even more 🤣

It's a very posh apeth (gonna have to Google what an apeth actually is!)

I often forget where I've parked my car in the supermarket car park so in order to not look like that to other people I pretend I'm talking to someone on the phone & they're telling me where they're parked & I'm trying to find them (while desperately scanning the car park to find where the hell I left my car!)

Iv definitely done the fake call thing. Also sometimes when I'm alone and order a takeaway and its delivered I fake call my family down so the delivery driver doesn't think I'm a fat pig 🤣🤣

@MrTwatchester

It's just a further shortening of the original phrase:

www.oed.com/dictionary/apeth_n

@Zone2NorthLondon @marmamumma @AutumnLeaves24 @NeckolasCage comes from ‘daft halfpenny’s worth’ as in ‘you aren’t even worth a full penny’

I agree I think this is really mean. Some poor person is spending money on the trashed food! What kind of sociopath would think this is ok?!