AIBU to be annoyed at my SIL?

bdot86 · 2024-11-02T22:55:02+00:00

My DHs twin’s wife drives me mad. She’s really cold and shy toward us (me, DH and our 2 kids), but she sends amazing presents for birthdays and Christmas. She’s never visited us in London because she “hates” it, so we’re always the ones traveling to see them in Scotland. Every time we visit, she’s nice on day one, then by day two, it’s like she’s completely fed up with us—she’s downright rude, barely speaks to us, disappears to do her own thing, and acts like we’re a total inconvenience in her house. She also yells at my DS4 for minor things like sitting on the wrong part of the sofa, often upsetting him. We don’t usually come for more than 3 days and we’re good guests. The whole gift thing just confuses me—she’s cold in person but sends my kids thoughtful presents, and does the same with my PIL who live abroad. She constantly sends them handmade cards from her son, which they love, but then complains about them horribly to her husband (they have no idea!) and refuses to speak to them aside from when she visits them once a year. To make things worse, both ^they^ and my husband’s whole family put loads of pressure on us to visit them and none vice Verca. So if we don’t visit them .. our kids will simply not get a chance to be together. She refuses to visit PIL at the same time as us which was something we’ve suggested. On the last trip, after the usual day 2 of rudeness I finally had enough and confronted her, asking if we’d done something to offend her. I admit I was angry, but I wanted to clear the air. Then, out of nowhere, my husband (who can’t stand her either!) didn’t back me up and actually started ^shouting^ at me for bringing it up. It was horrible, and now somehow I’m being painted as the problem, when all I’ve done is try to make things right. Honestly, I’m so angry at her, at him, and at his whole family, who idealise her because she’s a “model old-fashioned wife” or does the right things on paper. But she’s really dismissive and rude and she’s getting away with it! While I feel like im making the effort to bring the cousins closer by traveling to them as requested , I send nice messages to her (not too much as I understand and respect that’s she’s an introvert and doesn’t want to be close) and I encourage my DH to stay in touch with his parents. I buy nice gifts too btw but is that more valuable than kindness, respect and connection ???Anyway I’m really starting to resent the lot of them. AIBU?

Secradonugh · 03/11/2024 21:37

bdot86 · 03/11/2024 12:34

I agree she is old school in her thinking and fair enough. I was however constantly keeping my kids in check—I’m actually quite strict with them too, especially when we’re guests, as I want them to behave well in others’ homes. I like structure and rules etc. And they are pretty well behaved in general. Her son and mine were inseparable and my Dd2 was following them the whole time, it’s was cute and not chaotic at all.

As for the arms of the sofa situation, she screamed before I even had a chance to tell him. I would have handled it immediately, but she jumped in with such intensity it was genuinely shocking. I don’t tell other peoples kids off like that, do others ? Maybe that’s for another thread!

Thanks for addressing my concern and given your further explanation then I have to take back the niggling thought that I had. If she screams at a child and doesn't try to explain it, then I, like you, would fins it very hard to justify her action.

Maria1979 · 03/11/2024 12:39

Noseybookworm · 03/11/2024 00:40

I wouldn't bother going again. They don't visit you so why should you bother? Let your DH take them if he wants to.

This. I would never go somewhere I didn't feel welcome..

Original poster

bdot86 · 03/11/2024 12:34

I agree she is old school in her thinking and fair enough. I was however constantly keeping my kids in check—I’m actually quite strict with them too, especially when we’re guests, as I want them to behave well in others’ homes. I like structure and rules etc. And they are pretty well behaved in general. Her son and mine were inseparable and my Dd2 was following them the whole time, it’s was cute and not chaotic at all.

As for the arms of the sofa situation, she screamed before I even had a chance to tell him. I would have handled it immediately, but she jumped in with such intensity it was genuinely shocking. I don’t tell other peoples kids off like that, do others ? Maybe that’s for another thread!

OP posts:

Secradonugh · 03/11/2024 12:13

bdot86 · 03/11/2024 09:56

Thanks for all your thoughts—really helpful to get different perspectives. After this last trip, DH has agreed that we won’t be returning to stay with them as a family.

To clarify, I do understand and respect her introversion and boundaries—I’m an introvert too, so I get it. I’d never push her to be closer, and I’m not trying to intrude. But even when I’m feeling overwhelmed , I’d never be rude to family or guests, or to anyone for that matter, so it’s frustrating that she shuts down and seems irritated with us after just a day. And if having people stay is genuinely too much for her, why push so hard for us to come and stay, especially when we’re the ones doing all the traveling? Although some responses did make me think that maybe she never actually never approves of us coming and it’s BIL insisting with us and forcing it on her and PIL blaming and putting pressure on me, which is not fair.

I do agree with ASD possibility and great to see it from that perspective. Also, BIL always jokes that she’s OCD and gets angry if things are not the way she likes, so could be that.

With all this mind, next time we will suggest meeting somewhere neutral, like a middle-ground Airbnb, so everyone can have their own space sounds great, as suggested! If she’s not comfortable with that, then DH will visit his brother alone from now on. It’s a shame for our kids, as they adore their cousin and probably won’t have any other cousins, but it’s reached the point where this arrangement brings more discomfort than joy.
Time to ignore any pressure from BIL and PIL, and I’m doing to distance myself for a little bit.

Regarding the “wrong part of the sofa”, she was referring to the arms lol. I think?

Again, thanks so much for the advice—it’s helped me see things a lot more clearly!

I'm going to be harsh, because although I think you have worked out that it could have been handled better, I think you may not realise that you may be in the wrong more than you think. Again I don't 100% agree with the following, just that it is a way of viewing it from perhaps her angle. (She might be old school in her thinking)... So here goes (As if this is her thinking):

Sorry but your DS4 should already know not to sit on the arms of a sofa.Arms are not designed to hold weight. If there isn't enough room, then he should be on your lap. I'd be saying to any guest "Please don't sit on the arms, they aren't designed to be sat on". I would also hasten that you should have quietly had a word with her, not in front of anyone else about it all. You are a guest in someone elses house, and so you follow their rules. If you don't like the rules, you can ask them politely, about why they have a rule. If you don't like the reasons, then you still abide by them, until you decide to either go home, or get a hotel room.
If your sister moved 500 miles away, from you and your parents. Then why should you go to visit them in an overcrowded smelly London.

getthosetitsup · 03/11/2024 11:46

EmberAsh · 02/11/2024 23:21

I would be really interested to hear the sister's version of this.
You've described yourself as good guests but would she?

Indeed. OP, you are clearly hostile towards your SIL and that will shine through, despite how you think you present yourself.

You sound as bad as each other. Clearly neither of you want to be visiting the other, so yourselves a favour and... don't.

DeedlessIndeed · 03/11/2024 11:38

CheeseNBeans · 03/11/2024 11:23

What about OP makes you think she isn't exactly a walk in the park? I think she sounds pretty great actually since she's got the balls to confront a passive aggressive c* about their attitude.
Too many of us bypass this crap or are too scared to stand up to people like this and then everybody points the finger at the person doing the confronting because they themselves don't have a strong enough backbone to put their foot down!

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The fact OP let's her child sit on the arms of someone else's sofa, is then angry at the host and can't see how she is in the wrong makes me think that there is more to this than OP is portraying.

Calliopespa · 03/11/2024 11:29

CheeseNBeans · 03/11/2024 11:23

What about OP makes you think she isn't exactly a walk in the park? I think she sounds pretty great actually since she's got the balls to confront a passive aggressive c* about their attitude.
Too many of us bypass this crap or are too scared to stand up to people like this and then everybody points the finger at the person doing the confronting because they themselves don't have a strong enough backbone to put their foot down!

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Well that’s obviously something you admire but we are all different and some of us would consider that unnecessarily confrontational.

If there was one ideal personality type I guess we’d all try to have it. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Personally I think it’s quite rude to confront a host in their own home unless it was something much more offensive than anything described here.

CheeseNBeans · 03/11/2024 11:23

JustTalkToThem · 02/11/2024 23:03

you don’t sound like a walk in the park either.

she sounds like she likes her own space and too much time with people wears on her. But it also sounds like she likes or even loves you and your family.

you can be mad, or try to meet her where she’s at.

What about OP makes you think she isn't exactly a walk in the park? I think she sounds pretty great actually since she's got the balls to confront a passive aggressive c* about their attitude.
Too many of us bypass this crap or are too scared to stand up to people like this and then everybody points the finger at the person doing the confronting because they themselves don't have a strong enough backbone to put their foot down!

Flossflower · 03/11/2024 10:47

she is probably in a bad mood when you stay for more than one night as she is tired. Maybe they have had to move up as a family if you stay. I normally sleep in a separate bed to my husband so I can sleep. If we had more than 2 guests I would have to go back in with him. No one wants guests for 3 days. Airbnb or premier inn. This is probably the reason she doesn’t want to sleep at your PILs at the same time as you. You will all be squashed together. Perhaps she also has to do most of the meals.
I get on really well with my sister but when we used to go with our children we stayed in a hotel. My sister then was more relaxed and we enjoyed our time together.

HalloweenHaribo · 03/11/2024 10:43

Hmm sounds a bit manipulative to get people riled up about your child sitting 'on the wrong part of the sofa'.

If you'd just said he was sitting on the arm, many people would've agreed with her but I expect you know that?

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/11/2024 10:36

Let your DH take the kids up on his own, leaving you to have some nice peace and quiet me time at home doing whatever you want.

helpfulperson · 03/11/2024 10:31

If you let your child sit on the arms of the sofa and couldn't see a problem with that I'd be keen for you to go as well. I thought you meant he was sitting in the space she liked or similar.

Cherrysoup · 03/11/2024 10:11

HonestPayforHonestWork · 03/11/2024 10:06

Probably totally burned up her socialisation resources on the first day.

She needs to understand herself better or have better boundaries. I for one can’t handle multiple days of socialising and if that also included people staying in my home, so zero time where I can feel completely relaxed, I would self-destruct. However I wouldn’t be rude to other people, I would just suffer badly internally and likely take a long while to recover.

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Same, I hate having guests, it caused rows with my parents over the years, they thought they (retired) could just come down when my Dh and nearby db were on nightshift or whenever they liked. Drove me nuts, especially given mother would be shitfaced from 6pm every night. I’m much better off staying in a local hotel visiting her these days.

HonestPayforHonestWork · 03/11/2024 10:06

Cherrysoup · 03/11/2024 10:02

Did she respond to you confronting her? I’d love to know her reasoning behind changing after one day given she’s insisting you go up, or is it your dh insisting?

Sod your pils remote controlling you from abroad and telling you to visit her, the dc won’t be close growing up given the distance, regardless of how frequently they see one another.

I’d be pissed off at your ds sitting on the arm of the sofa too, it’s not designed for that, so I think yabu there.

Probably totally burned up her socialisation resources on the first day.

She needs to understand herself better or have better boundaries. I for one can’t handle multiple days of socialising and if that also included people staying in my home, so zero time where I can feel completely relaxed, I would self-destruct. However I wouldn’t be rude to other people, I would just suffer badly internally and likely take a long while to recover.

KimberleyClark · 03/11/2024 10:04

Is there somewhere half way where you could meet up and spend time together on neutral ground where SIL could still have her own space to retreat to? Or could you book a hotel or AirB&B when you visit them?

Cherrysoup · 03/11/2024 10:02

Did she respond to you confronting her? I’d love to know her reasoning behind changing after one day given she’s insisting you go up, or is it your dh insisting?

Sod your pils remote controlling you from abroad and telling you to visit her, the dc won’t be close growing up given the distance, regardless of how frequently they see one another.

I’d be pissed off at your ds sitting on the arm of the sofa too, it’s not designed for that, so I think yabu there.

curious79 · 03/11/2024 10:00

Psychologically her gifting beautiful presents and making the house impeccable are not about being nice to you but about maintaining some kind of standard

curious79 · 03/11/2024 09:59

I wouldn’t go. You can very calmly say to your husband the visits make me feel very uncomfortable so why would I go?
it is odd behaviour
life is too short

Original poster

bdot86 · 03/11/2024 09:56

Thanks for all your thoughts—really helpful to get different perspectives. After this last trip, DH has agreed that we won’t be returning to stay with them as a family.

To clarify, I do understand and respect her introversion and boundaries—I’m an introvert too, so I get it. I’d never push her to be closer, and I’m not trying to intrude. But even when I’m feeling overwhelmed , I’d never be rude to family or guests, or to anyone for that matter, so it’s frustrating that she shuts down and seems irritated with us after just a day. And if having people stay is genuinely too much for her, why push so hard for us to come and stay, especially when we’re the ones doing all the traveling? Although some responses did make me think that maybe she never actually never approves of us coming and it’s BIL insisting with us and forcing it on her and PIL blaming and putting pressure on me, which is not fair.

I do agree with ASD possibility and great to see it from that perspective. Also, BIL always jokes that she’s OCD and gets angry if things are not the way she likes, so could be that.

With all this mind, next time we will suggest meeting somewhere neutral, like a middle-ground Airbnb, so everyone can have their own space sounds great, as suggested! If she’s not comfortable with that, then DH will visit his brother alone from now on. It’s a shame for our kids, as they adore their cousin and probably won’t have any other cousins, but it’s reached the point where this arrangement brings more discomfort than joy.
Time to ignore any pressure from BIL and PIL, and I’m doing to distance myself for a little bit.

Regarding the “wrong part of the sofa”, she was referring to the arms lol. I think?

Again, thanks so much for the advice—it’s helped me see things a lot more clearly!

OP posts:

HonestPayforHonestWork · 03/11/2024 01:54

I’d just stay home next time and send the kids off with husband. He can also arrange the whole thing while he’s at it, and his family’s gifts to boot. Does he buy your family’s gifts by any chance? Or plan all of the visits to your family? I’m guessing not. Yet you have to deal with all of the fallout bs, not him, and to make matters worse he turned on you? That’s just not on.

Screamingabdabz · 03/11/2024 01:46

I’m another vote for don’t bother. The whole ‘introvert’ bollocks is no excuse for rudeness. Your DH is a prick too. I’d drop the rope completely and let him deal with his relatives.

Noseybookworm · 03/11/2024 00:40

I wouldn't bother going again. They don't visit you so why should you bother? Let your DH take them if he wants to.

HalloweenHaribo · 03/11/2024 00:18

TarnishedTrophy · 03/11/2024 00:16

Honestly, this makes no sense to me. Not only is this woman not a member of your family, she’s not a member of your DH’s family. You only know one another because you married siblings. Why on earth are you giving her any headspace? If the siblings want to see one another, they arrange it, including whether a hotel is booked, likewise length of stay and presents, messages etc. You seem to have invented a reason (the children) why you have to go and visit her, but again, surely that’s up to the siblings.

Exactly.

I don't know why the OP's getting herself involved at all.

Plus there are a couple twin men here she could be blaming, as they're responsible for their kids having contact with their cousins if only they were bothered.

Not sure why it has to be the woman's fault?

TarnishedTrophy · 03/11/2024 00:16

Honestly, this makes no sense to me. Not only is this woman not a member of your family, she’s not a member of your DH’s family. You only know one another because you married siblings. Why on earth are you giving her any headspace? If the siblings want to see one another, they arrange it, including whether a hotel is booked, likewise length of stay and presents, messages etc. You seem to have invented a reason (the children) why you have to go and visit her, but again, surely that’s up to the siblings.

CrazyGoatLady · 02/11/2024 23:59

.It sounds like she hates having house guests but doesn't feel she can refuse. She could be neurodivergent and actually want to enjoy it but gets overwhelmed and just can't. As an autistic/AuDHD family, as much as we would like to be the kind of people who love a big family weekend get together and don't get utterly exhausted and peopled out after 24hrs, even around people we dearly love, we are just...not.

The issue here is that for whatever reason she isn't communicating how she feels honestly with you. I can understand why you wanted to know why she was being that way clear the air, but the way you went about it sounds a bit confrontational. She may not even understand it herself, and she could be in the place I was in 10 years ago going "why am I like this...I love these people, why are they driving me nuts...why is this so exhausting...I shouldn't feel this way".

Next time, get a hotel or apartment, and explain that you have noticed it seems to be difficult for her when you stay at the house and you would like to ensure that the time you spend together is enjoyable and not stressful for anyone.