Husband’s insane ex destroying my mental health.

OP your husband is not having your back, he is seeing you completely stressed, and choosing not to do anything about it. You don't deserve this. Your husband may be thinking about himself and the kids. But, he's not thinking about you. You're his wife and he needs to protect you too. I would give him an ultimatum. Say he needs to go to the police, or you want out and want a divorce. Tell him then he'll have two 'baby mummas' who he will have to arrange custody with; does he want that? Tell him that. He chooses to have your back, or you'll walk.

Exactly.

Report it to who?
you can't report a child maintenance claim to the police as fraud. The CMS need to determine who has to pay what, that's their remit, not the police.

Calling the police and social services is also likely to achieve precisely nothing 🤷🏼‍♀️

What would happen if you don't pay, but simultaneously report it as fraud?

This.

@GettingToTheCrux My partner has a similar batshit ex who is/was abusive. He reported her for harassment, the police took it seriously and reviewed all evidence. They offered to go and speak to her but couldn’t charge her at the time as the threshold hadn’t been met. My partner didn’t think this would work but in hindsight we should’ve done it.

He now has a CAO and all comms are through her mum. DP has offered to use the wizard parenting app too. But he’s not dealing with her abuse anymore and neither am I. Neither of us will unblock her. I assume you have blocked her even if your DH hasn’t?

CMS. They are idiots. Why is your DH not putting in his own claim for child benefit? Surely he can make his own claim for maintenance too?

My God please stop being a bloody drama queen. Living like a slave 🤣 Did I say she should put up with it? No. I said calling the police and social services is extreme and I’ll add to that now that it’s only going to create more DRAMA.

What’s wrong with you?! Of course he needs to take steps to defend himself from this batshit crazy woman!

And what is that about the OP “knowing what she is getting herself into” like it’s her fault that the ex is a nutter and abusive to everyone she should hold dear? People are entitled to a life, no way should OP live like a Slave to the ex, going out to work only to throw the money at someone else, because she happened to be married to the guy first?!

Well tell
himnot to talk to you about any of it then, you don’t need to fall out then…

You have the child for 3 out of 4 weeks and you're paying CM?? your DH needs to pursue this aggressively, you should not be paying anything, his ex should be paying CM.
If he can't sort this out, leave.

Is your Dh aware that you’ve considered leaving him to protect yourself? He needs to be aware that you’re thinking about it and he needs to take action. As your ds lives mostly with you, surely he can explain to him in child friendly terms that his mother is experiencing mh issues and go for full custody with supervised contact only? Why is he failing to protect his child? He needs to cut off all personal contact and use a shared custody app if she’s allowed to have him for a week at a time, although I’d look to change that immediately.

I think the husband is rightly not taking the actions OP is pushing for because he knows it won’t achieve much and he’s worried it might damage his relationship with his child. And yes it’s potentially damaging his relationship with OP and their child but OP knew what she was getting herself into when she married someone who was already a father. Not saying nothing should be done - block the woman, he can stop telling OP about her crazy messages, escalate the CMP issue, but calling the police and social services is extreme.

We had some similar issues with my partners ex when she first heard he had a new partner (me!). I won’t go into detail but my partner reported her to the police eventually for harassment. They took him seriously and popped round to see her for an informal chat. The harassment stopped instantly. It has been the most powerful thing he has done to curb her behaviour.

We then went on to get a child arrangements order to secure contact. It was a long road but we could not continue the way things were. The ex has never once mentioned the police visit to us nor their child. The police implied that she was absolutely mortified by their visit. I would highly recommend it. If you don’t get taken seriously by the police, play devils advocate and ask whether they would respond differently if it was a man doing this to a woman. That soon got things moving.

Yes, they will both remain parents but when the child becomes an adult there is no need for separated parents to be in touch. Personal experience says the life events can be worked around and the grown adult son or daughter will be in a better position to understand.

So... There are some simple ways to help you deal with this. Firstly block her on your child's phone and your phone.
You have no reason to have any involvement with her at all. It's your husband who had a child with her.
If she upsets your Step Child, then you need to comfort your Step Child, and say that they will need to speak to their dad about it. But make sure you comfort them.
Each time your husband complains about her, say, "I can only offer you advice love." If he asks what advice, say "Speak to a professional, shall we try to find one together bceause I know you don't want to speak to the ones I've mentioned".

It's not your job to change his mind about his Child's upbringing, but you can advise him without creating an argument.
Obviously IF she says anything about hurting her child, then it's police time. If it's about her hurting herself, then just say to your husband "Are you asking me for advice or just ranting love?"
It's not your job to make everyone else happy. It's not your job to deal with this problem.

Change phone number and use a parenting app for all communication.
Try and persuade husband to report her - difficult I know as it will.impact child. Perhaps hubby and you can talk with child about what she us doing first so they understand what you are doing/trying to achieve.

@Clarabell77

The problem is forever. Because regardless of the child, the problem is the spineless husband. He will remain a coward even if the ex wife disappears, just waiting for the next problem to arise to bury his head in the sand about.

Sounds sadly like you have a totally ineffective DH OP. His lack of action is impacting on everyone, including himself.

I am not advocating you leave him though. I would say he needs to leave you, get his act together elsewhere, look after his child elsewhere, while you continue to raise your child in your family home. And then hopefully, once the batshit ex is sorted, you can come back together as a functioning family of four, two innocent children, and hopefully a stable loving environment. It’s a ball that is totally in his court. Meantime, take control of your own emotions if you can, be clinical and clear about your decisions, getting legal help, and your daily routines. You be the strong one in this, he’s the weak link, she’s beneath contempt. The poor kiddies deserve better, and you can be the one to give them that.wishing you all the best.

The person will remain a parent to the child even when the child is over 18. And will still have the capacity to be a dick. There may be less enforced contact as the child gets older, but things like university, graduation, and the life stages for the child as an adult may well require input from both children (weddings, grandchildren arriving)
The nutter will always be there.

I would completely withdraw from it all - let the husband do most of the childcare for the 13 years, interact much less, never read or see or know about what the ex is saying - just bear the financial costs of her current claim but think nothing about it ever.

I just read my comment back and it sounds like I'm blaming you. My apologies. I'm not. I mean you should focus on the only bit you have any control of.

First thing I'd be doing
Is separating my money In to my own bank account.not a penny of my money would go to her .maybe your dh will rethink when she's left him penny less .
Don't pay his share of the bills either .
And start looking for a way out .
He's a spineless man ,your better off out of it

If you focus on the things you can control and the choices you have made.

Your problem is that you chose to marry and have a child with a weak spineless coward of a man who would prefer to see your mental health destroyed than put himself through conflict. He isn't prepared to go out of his comfort zone to stand up for you.

That is what you need to make your decision to stay or go on.

The ex has nothing to do with you.

They can apply for an attachment of earnings, so the money will be taken directy from her DH salary.

This