Need a hand hold part 2

That’s a good point @BeNavyCrab Laura has been able to break the cycle.

Thanks for saying that. I miss her so much and it breaks my heart to think about what she must have gone through. How her poor Mum survived I don't know. The guy was really disturbed and had a very long history but nobody knew that.

Thanks for the welcome fellow Spoonies. Can I just say how heartwarming it is to see a MN thread that's full of love, hope and solidarity. I've seen a few where there's been a few awful posts that jump on someone who needs help and victim blames. Thank goodness that Laura has some kind genuine people who are cheering her on.

I was really saddened by hearing about her real father. Addiction is such a horrible thing and it hurts everyone around it. As a child your parents are your world and you want their approval and affection. Its especially hard to have a glimpse of it, only to see it snatched away. It's human nature to think that maybe if I was just a bit better, then it wouldn't have happened etc. My cousin had parents who were addicted to drugs and they had very few times where it showed that they thought about him or did something nice. He would live for those moments but suffered the majority of the rest. It's really traumatic and shattered his belief in himself.

It's impressive that Laura has been able to stop it from ruining her ability to be a loving parent to her children. Sadly it often does reoccur in the next generation. My cousin struggled with it. He equated giving money as love, because that was the only thing he saw from his parents. It took him a fair while to break the cycle and learn to be present for his kids.

😱😱😂😂. that's so funny. I bet it's this thread. M&S will be baffled (unless they have people combing the internet to see what we're all saying about them).

Thank you @nornironlady and @Imbluedalale on my MN username! I love that song and also like raspberries and berets 😄 although raspberries are quite expensive and DD just tends to eat the whole thing in one go.

Hi @PeggyMitchellsCameo , I was also wondering if you're OK (hope you are!). Nice to "see" you again.

@Meanwhile33 I'm jealous that you tried the perfume! I think I need to find out where the nearest big M&S to DPs house is 😆. Glad it was lovely and lasted well. That's a lovely sentiment about thinking of women supporting women and of Laura safe in her new home, I love that.

@spoonfulofmustard hope you're feeling a bit better. Your weekend of hunkering down sounds really lovely. I love a bad Christmas film! My DS had a sleepover on halloween and I asked him what they wanted (slightly anxious that it might have been too scary) and they had watched The Christmas Chronicles 😂.

I had a fat face voucher for ages and had a quick look online yesterday and managed to buy 3 lovely things I'd seen in the shop now in the sale so was super happy with that.

I’ve checked the M&S app and black tulip is out of stock everywhere. I think all the lurking spoonies have been out buying it 😂

i am very grateful right now my local m&s is food only!

Go for it! I can’t be the only person making impulse buys in M&S this week. 😃

Morning @nornironlady and thanks!

@PeggyMitchellsCameo Great to see you back, I was thinking about you yesterday as I thought you'd been on the missing for a bit! 😊

Sorry I’ve been missing for a bit spoonies! Just read all the updates what a lovely group you are.
@Imbluedalale the Disney channel is ace.

@Apolloneuro you really need to stop as I've got itchy feet to get round to M&S later to look for this perfume!! I never change my scent and haven't in over 20 years but you guys are seriously persuasive 😂

I’m gutted I couldn’t find the perfume in M&S.

Morning. Welcome to the club @BeNavyCrab

How are you feeling, @spoonfulofmustard? Hope the cold is better today.

Nothing much on for me today, so I will potter.

Hello to all you lovely Spoonies! Friday is finally here.
@BeNavyCrab Welcome to the thread - you speak wise words of caution.
@Imbluedalale I was thinking about you walking past Subway on my way to the office this morning. It will always remind me of you now I bet.
As for @RaspberryBeretxx doesn't everyone sing this to themselves a la Prince every time her name pops up....or is that just me.....
Roll on noon when the working week is done! Have a great Friday 😁

Morning everyone 👋

Massive well done on getting the internet sorted Laura, that sounds a good deal and so handy to have 4 months no payments and Disney plus!

I do think your dc will come round and realise your exs true nature. I hope it’s soon but they may be in a bit of a fog of trying to please him. Once they experience your new house, it’ll feel like home because you’re there💕💕.

im so horrified by him taking your favourite things away from you as some kind of bizarre sport. It’s just evil and so pointless. I hope you get plenty of raspberry tiptree jam in your new place. And just gradually figure out all the things you like and get them all back with a load of new ones on top. Also horrified and so sad about your real dad’s behaviour. I’m so sorry for all youve been through.

but just wanted to say 3 MORE SLEEPS (that’s right isn’t it?!) xx

I have a work from home day then DPs for the weekend with DD. I think we are going to an afternoon tea for somewhere he works on Saturday so that should be a free afternoon out at least 😁.

This is such a great post 💕💕. I’m so so sorry about your best friend, that’s so awful. But do glad the next friend managed to flee eventually.

I'm quite excited for you actually. You have a lovely new place and you get to choose what to put in it. I think that your kids will enjoy helping you do it too. There's lots of enjoyment in starting afresh and making it the way you like it, just need to pace it so you don't run out of money. It's worth asking around because there's different schemes where you can get things cheaper or even free. In our area there's a Facebook page where people put things that still have plenty of life in them and they want it to go to someone who wants it, rather than landfill. There's also bargains to be found at charity shops. I understand that getting out is very difficult for you at the moment. I'm severely disabled and in a wheelchair myself. So that adds complications, but some charities do deliver in the local area.

Your daughter will come to think of "your house" as our house soon. Once she gets to see it and live in it. At the moment it's an abstract concept so that's why she thinks of it as your place. It will also make it much easier for you to know how things are going when they are at your ex's. You've said he's a good Dad and they are happy there so most likely it will stay the same and the kids will get the best of both parents. Once they see both of you are happier apart and they are loved and cared for, they will adapt to the new idea of two homes.

I don't want to alarm you but it is possible for him to start being controlling towards her. I'm hoping not, because of his emotional bond as a parent but there are some right pieces of shit who use the kids as weapons. The mentality of "If I can't control my wife, I will control the next best thing, the daughter". It is rare to happen but just be aware of the possibility

Kids are always going to want their family "together" but they also want their parents to be healthy and happy. Your youngest is pining for a fantasy that unfortunately didn't exist. He was soon come to terms with the new family dynamic, especially when he sees that you are happy and settled. I can't imagine how difficult having so many of his family living right next to you was. 😬 That pressure of them being against you and always being under the eyes would have been oppressive.

It's going to be a fair few years of grey rock ahead because despite what you have been subjected to, you have to try not to bad mouth your ex to your kids. Just one word of caution though, stay vigilant with your daughter. Some abusers will change the object to another female. I hope to goidness it never happens and that he continues to be a good Dad, but just be mindful that a change in behaviour might not just be because of the breakup.

You are so right, it's all mine games and control. I lost my first best friend to an abuser who ended up killing her.
Many years later I met another great friend who had a daughter the same age as my son. We became close and I started to see some of the same anxiety in her that my best friend had had. To the rest of the world, the husband was a lovely professional person in a caring profession.They had moved country so my friend didn't have any family or many friends. I found it hard but I started talking with her about the way she was feeling always on edge and never able to do anything right for him. She would be terrified of not being home on time with his lunch made for him. He would hide it, if I was visiting but he would still complain about stupid things, like having the wrong salt etc. She would have many sick days and come out with thick long sleeve jumpers and roll necks to cover up bruises. She thought it was her fault for being a bad wife and not learning well enough. It was so hard to make her understand that nobody deserves it. She ended up fleeing him in the middle of the night and coming to us. Of course, he ended up talking (threatening) her home but she had started to understand what was happening wasn't her fault or normal. They moved back to their home country but I kept in touch with her. One night, he tried to strangle her but she managed to flee. In a similar way, lots of people who knew them thought she'd abandoned her kids. This was a narrative he happily spread, that and she was unstable.
It's many many years ago now but she's got a job she loves, her kids have a brilliant relationship with her and she's married to someone who treats her well.