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Original poster

Left DP at pub to get home on his own

313 replies

Confused2691 · 02/11/2024 21:34

DP and I spent this afternoon (from 3pm) at our nearby friends. We had our 4m DD with us. DP and friends drinking, me not. We live at the end of a single track lane basically in the woods so have to drive everywhere, including the friends from today 10/15 mins away.

At 6pm we all walked to the local bonfire and fireworks. Got back to our friends village at 8.30pm. DP then told me he wanted to go for dinner and some more drinks at the local pub. Given it had been a long day for DD, past her usual bedtime and hadn’t slept much I said no, explaining why to DP and that we should go home. DP refused, saying he wanted another drink. He offered to not eat and just have a drink but I again repeated we needed to get home for DD who wasn’t very happy. He again said he wanted to stay so I said fine but I was going home in the car and he would have to find his own way home if he stayed. He said fine, he’ll walk. I left with DD.

The walk will take an hour at least and none of which on pavements. Both ways include walking down a main road with no pavements or streetlight. He could try a taxi but unlikely to get one at this time as we’re not in the big town. For background context, I always try to make an effort to pick him up if he’s out with friends drinking and I’m with DD at home. However he has been insensitive in the past such as refusing to make alternate arrangements for transport after a wedding when I was 10 days PP so I had to pick him up at 2am.. I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving. There is nothing other than the additional cost stopping him from booking a taxi, he has before, but he doesn’t. I think I need to put my foot down as he keeps taking advantage of me being a people pleaser. I’m also annoyed he couldn’t understand that our baby DD needed to go home.

That said, he thinks I’m being unreasonable so maybe I am. What do you think?

P.S he has just messaged asking me to pick him up! Currently feeding DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2691 · 03/11/2024 08:48

Thanks again for all the replies, didn’t expect so many! I suspected I wasn’t being unreasonable but when you are being told you are it’s good to have support.

DP going out and expecting a lift back is not a weekly occurrence but has happened a fair few times since DD was born and when I was heavily pregnant. Prior to this I often would be out too so would drive us both home (I do not drink). I don’t have an issue with him going out at all and am glad he is enjoying his time with friends as it’s not every weekend. However since having DD I was expecting him to make alternate arrangements for getting home (or staying with friends/family) given her needs come first. The wedding situation made me realise quite early on that wasn’t the case. We did argue about it at the time and his mum was shocked and had a go at him so it’s not as if he’s not known how I or others feel about it. My parents do not know.

That is an issue in itself obviously. Last night I was particularly annoyed that I clearly said I was going home because of DD and he needed to find his own way home if he wanted to go to the pub which he ‘accepted’ and he still then expected me to come out again and collect him. We had been out since 3pm so plenty of time with friends, another pint was not necessary when we have a baby to get home. There was a previous occasion when DD was 8w where he was out all day at a local event with friends (fine by me) I picked him up in the afternoon from local village and then he told me he was going back out to the pub an hour or so later with said friends so I would need to take him back in and pick up again. I said no and that he should have stayed out and I would have considered picking him up at the end of the evening but not going back and forth. As it happens he fell asleep on the sofa so didn’t go but he was fully expecting me to take him and pick him up.

DPs view from last night is that he was only 10 mins away by car so not a big deal for me to pick him up with DD. I think he’s completely missing the point that a) not ideal dragging a small baby out in the far past their bedtime (if nothing else it wakes her up and guarantees I have to stay up feeding her to sleep again when we get him which can take around 30 minutes still) b) Last night he chose not to come home when I did and given the option.

For those asking why we live where we do, it’s simply that as when we moved here we were childless and rent is cheap for area. We liked being rural. Now it’s not as good with DD so are looking elsewhere but rent prices are higher than ever so haven’t been able to find anywhere yet suitable.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/11/2024 08:43

How is he getting home today?

MichaelandKirk · 03/11/2024 08:42

I hate this expression I want to go for a drink…

He really means he wants to get roaring drunk and then when he is finally finished you can come and pick him up regardless of what you are doing.

NerrSnerr · 03/11/2024 08:40

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

I don't think the issue is staying in the pub, it's that the OP knew that if he stayed he'd be demanding a lift (like he outrageously did when she was 10 days pp).

I'm sure it would be very different if he'd said 'I'm going to stay for another if that's ok, I'll make sure I get home safely and not be too hungover so I can do my share of the parenting tomorrow'

TiredEyesSoreHeart · 03/11/2024 08:29

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 08:27

Going forward they should move to a less remote location so they can plan nights out without having to rely on the other for lifts

OP says he can pay for a taxi, he just chooses not to.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 03/11/2024 08:28

I bet op is up with the dc while her ex is asleep at his mates...
If he isn't an ex he bloody should be....

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 08:27

Going forward they should move to a less remote location so they can plan nights out without having to rely on the other for lifts

Tiswa · 03/11/2024 08:23

It isn’t about the going out it is about the fact that rather than getting a taxi/walking or going home with his family after spending time together he expects his wife and daughter to come and pick him up. He is a grown man who is perfectly capable of finding his way home without putting others out

many expect teenagers and young adults to find their way home

MoreCardassianThanKardashian · 03/11/2024 07:57

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

Nothing is wrong with him wanting to go out. What's wrong is not putting the babies needs first and then throwing a tantrum when your wife puts the baby first and doesn't pick you up which you agreed was ok a few hours before. He also has precedent for not understanding birth pain and putting his wife and baby first.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 03/11/2024 07:54

He's going to have to grow up and accept that life changes once you have a baby.

Goldenbear · 03/11/2024 07:51

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

As when you have a very young baby, the baby is the priority, it is a very short period in your life and they come first.

AlertCat · 03/11/2024 07:49

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

They’d been out all afternoon and it was time to go home. He wasn’t prepared to put the baby first. He then made a very selfish demand that his wife stop feeding the baby and bring the baby out to collect him from the pub, despite having said he would walk home. Now he’s stayed out all night and will not be available for support for her today. It’s incredibly selfish and at that age a baby needs routine or they get really disrupted and very hard to settle.

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

AlertCat · 03/11/2024 07:33

I’m also wondering if his drinking is problematic. Does he often get this sort of head on him if he wants ‘just one more’?

MellowPanda · 03/11/2024 07:31

Cookiedough123 · 03/11/2024 06:16

Glad you haven’t picked him up. He needs to download the uber app and pay for taxis! When we had a baby my partner stopped asking for lifts so maybe you need to make it clear that now you won’t be doing pick ups unless it’s before a specific time!

No no, unless it's an emergency.

MellowPanda · 03/11/2024 07:30

Savingthehedgehogs · 03/11/2024 04:02

You have a tiny baby, he should not have been drinking heavily in the first place. He should have stayed sober and driven you both home at your baby’s bedtime, putting you both first. I am shocked he would call you to go out in the middle of the night with such a tiny baby. He needs to start caring about your safety,you must be exhausted.

Does he have a drink problem op?
I hope you have real life support, keep posting here MN will be here for you 💐

Edited

This.

Or.can he not stay sober and drive himself?

Jmess · 03/11/2024 07:19

@Blueberrymuffin8 i don’t think she can go giving ultimatums at this point . She needs to set some ground rules and discuss and hopefully have some friends back her up. I don’t trust him.

user1492757084 · 03/11/2024 07:01

Next time a similar thing occurs remind husband that he needs to ensure that what he agrees to will happen, and that he was unfair to leave you alone all night with your shared child.

Don't be bullied into picking up partner who stays out too long drinking longer after night out.

DustyLee123 · 03/11/2024 07:00

Once baby goes to bed that’s it, you’re in for the night.

Fuzziduck · 03/11/2024 06:40

Just send him a link to this thread OP.

He is dreadful.
Go out and do something tomorrow morning with baby. Let him sort himself out getting home.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 03/11/2024 06:35

He's not really got his head round being a parent yet. At 4mths old you're all going to still be knackered and getting used to things. Not coming home at all last night was out of line. He's punishing you for holding your resolve. You weren't unreasonable and he needs to change his tune around nights out and expecting you and baby to be his early hours taxi service. I hope you and baby got some sleep last night.
Ps don't go pick him up from his mates this morning, let him make his own way home.

Cookiedough123 · 03/11/2024 06:16

Glad you haven’t picked him up. He needs to download the uber app and pay for taxis! When we had a baby my partner stopped asking for lifts so maybe you need to make it clear that now you won’t be doing pick ups unless it’s before a specific time!

Plumedenom · 03/11/2024 06:15

Don't go pick him up immediately when he calls for a lift this morning. Have a few baby crises to deal with. If he has to mooch around the other house his hosts won't want to make this a regular thing.

Pinkchicken85 · 03/11/2024 06:10

What a prince (!)
I’d be setting down some very firm boundaries with him. You’re not a taxi service and your baby comes first.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/11/2024 06:04

You did the right thing. He needs to wake up to the fact he has an infant child whose needs come first. You can't be dragging her out in the car just to pick up a sulky drunk man.