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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money and family (not a new concept)

37 replies

TigerMum8 · 02/11/2024 20:29

Just received a request for a decent chunk of money from Parent and Step Parent. Said no as felt the request was unfair and should be directed towards corresponding half and step siblings. Usual reason being that those siblings received a lot more than I did from them growing up - independent schooling, cars etc whereas I did not since step parent generated the cash. Trying to explain that it’s not about resentment but fairness. I simply feel that any money should flow back from the same source it flowed to? For clarification siblings not really in a position to help but I don’t feel it’s fair that I’m effectively penalised for taking better advantage of less opportunity. AIBU?

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Original poster
TigerMum8 · 03/11/2024 14:19

Hildahosmede, respectfully I think your reasoning is a little flawed on this one. I’d have no issue, as I said above about siblings receiving more as circumstances improved, but we were of similar age. Plus, although your sister may have received more at an equivalent age, it’s also possible that your parents assisted you as appropriate to your own stage in life. House deposits or other help instead of tech and new clothes. In my case resources were allocated asymmetrically so I think the request was unfair.

OP posts:
merryhouse · 03/11/2024 14:09

(1) your thinking is perfectly valid
(2) you don't have to tell them about it
(3) just say no

Original poster
TigerMum8 · 03/11/2024 14:07

It’s not an odd way to think if everyone was of similar age and engaging with the same financial circumstances. As I said above, I would have no issue if I was a lot older and things changed

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2024onwardsandup · 03/11/2024 13:50

@HildaHosmede they were around the same age is my understanding?

ThinWomansBrain · 03/11/2024 13:49

or say "no, I'm saving in case I need it to pay for private education for one of my children in the future"😂

HildaHosmede · 03/11/2024 13:47

I think your way of thinking about it is odd tbh.

My youngest sister 'got' far more than me at the equivalent age because my parents were in a better financial position.

If my mum asked me to lend her money I might say yes or might say no for many reasons...but 'you should ask Samantha, you spent far more on her car than mine 15 years ago' (or whatever) wouldn't be one of them.

Fraaahnces · 03/11/2024 13:46

I think your reasons are valid, but given the above mentioned selective amnesia, there’s no point explaining yourself. This will only cause further frustration and give them ammunition with which they will keep attacking you. If you keep it simple - “No… My money’s all tied up. I’m not touching it.” They can’t come at you. - They can ask, but you can shut it down. “I’m not willing to discuss this. Please change the subject”, etc…

ThinWomansBrain · 03/11/2024 13:44

why not suggest that you'll get a formal loan agreement drawn up, and add solicitor's costs added to the sum of the loan, ask them what period they intend repaying it over, and your intended interest rate.

Or just say no.

Sorry, posted too early above, I believe because of a financial reversal
and need it to tide them over
& frankly, to ask you for a large sum of money with no explanation of why they need it also seems unreasonable.

Coconutter24 · 03/11/2024 13:38

MummytoA · 02/11/2024 20:44

Bit confused as to who you are in the scenario... a parent, grandparent?
Who is asking for money?

Show quote history

“Just received a request for a decent chunk of money from Parent and Step Parent.”

Son or daughter of people asking for money

Stormyweatheroutthere · 03/11/2024 13:35

Raising you wasn't transactional.. Tell them sorry you can't lend anything.. End of discussion...
Cheeky nasty fuckers..

Original poster
TigerMum8 · 03/11/2024 13:32

Thanks everyone, I don’t believe that I’m wrong in refusing the request. The difficulty is explaining the reasons in a way that can be understood, and can’t be misconstrued as spite. Easier said than done with standard Parental selective amnesia. It’s simply a logical decision. I’m adhering to the structure they put in place and the request should be directed elsewhere.

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Maria1979 · 02/11/2024 21:19

TigerMum8 · 02/11/2024 20:48

No, I was of similar age at the time but resources were allocated accordingly. I would have no problem with circumstances being different because I’m a lot older for example.

This is so hurtful though. I don't get how parents can do this; treat children so differently. Just say no without explanations and don't you dare feel guilty about it.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 02/11/2024 21:19

Just being nosy but what jobs do your step siblings have, after having the benefit of independent schooling education?

And to answer your quey, I would say 'no, i don't have any spare cash' or if you feel you could help a little, then perhaps say i don't have £xxx'000 but I could lend you £x00. That way you're helping but not the full amount. I too would feel aggrieved that they have the cheek to ask when they didn't help you out when you were younger.

dammit88 · 02/11/2024 21:14

TigerMum8 · 02/11/2024 20:48

No, I was of similar age at the time but resources were allocated accordingly. I would have no problem with circumstances being different because I’m a lot older for example.

Then no - people reap what they sow. You are not being unreasonable.

loropianalover · 02/11/2024 21:11

TigerMum8 · 02/11/2024 20:42

Sorry, posted too early above, I believe because of a financial reversal
and need it to tide them over

Don’t they have credit? Have they done something silly?

2024onwardsandup · 02/11/2024 21:10

Say no and - if you haven’t already - out in place very clear boundaries in life.

and if you’re the Cinderella in the family start making it very clear you won’t be shouldering the old age care

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2024 21:06

MoreNotLess · 02/11/2024 20:56

It would be better to come up with a white lie about how you can't help out. Explaining why you don't want, however justified you are, will only cause more aggravation. Keep it simple.

She can just say no. Lies always unravel or read to more lies. No need.

BankHolidayReset · 02/11/2024 21:01

My dad is no longer with us but he and his second wife used to do that to me. There were 4 adult kids. Two hers and two my dads. I'm the oldest and he was always ask me for money. The others were never asked. I think the last request was to buy his free hold. When he dies his wife got everything. She retired early and is now living a lovely life. Yes I'm a bit bitter I'm struggling with a small house and we cannot afford to move.

MoreNotLess · 02/11/2024 20:56

It would be better to come up with a white lie about how you can't help out. Explaining why you don't want, however justified you are, will only cause more aggravation. Keep it simple.

sleepseeker99 · 02/11/2024 20:54

It sounds like you're more bothered by the percieved injustice of siblings getting more funds invested in them than actually lending/giving the money itself. Whether you lend/give them the money or not, you need to either tell them about how you feel or find peace with it xx

TTPDTS · 02/11/2024 20:53

I'd say no.

They weren't willing to support you when they were in a position to, whilst supporting their other children. Now the tables have turned, they're asking the wrong person.

I'm sure other funding sources are available.

User37482 · 02/11/2024 20:51

Just say no, if they offered you little financial support but gave freely to your step siblings then they can’t possibly expect you to put your hand in your pocket.

If they ask I’d just tell them why and let them chew on that.

Gardendiary · 02/11/2024 20:49

I can’t imagine asking my children for money, seems completely alien. Just tell them no, you reap what you sow and it sounds like they put you second so now it’s their turn to be low priority.

ExcludedatfiveFML · 02/11/2024 20:49

Just say no. You don't want to

That's enough reason by itself.

Original poster
TigerMum8 · 02/11/2024 20:48

No, I was of similar age at the time but resources were allocated accordingly. I would have no problem with circumstances being different because I’m a lot older for example.

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