Page 12 | It was my birthday yesterday, MIL bought me Christmas themed stuff

HagsRule · 2024-11-02T18:11:04+00:00

I feel ungrateful even creating this thread, but it has been bugging me all day. AIBU to feel this way? Is this weird? Basically, it was my birthday yesterday and MIL came over today with presents for me. Over the past 5 or 6 years I've received at least one Christmas themed present for my birthday from MIL which I've thought was odd since it is almost 2 months before Christmas and I'm not really a big Christmas fan anyway. After she did it again last year on my birthday I maybe didn't receive the Christmas themed plates and glasses as enthusiastically as she'd expected. Just to clarify I always say thank you and haven't said anything as I don't want to upset anybody and come across as ungrateful. Even posting this I feel guilty! But anyway, maybe last year my face slipped or something and I gave myself away because this year for my birthday every single present was Christmas themed and my BIL (her other son) also gave me entirely Christmas themed presents bar one book. I suspect BIL got help from his mum to buy his presents as when he handed the parcel to me he checked with his mum first to make sure that was the right gift to give me (he's almost 40 fyi). Is she trolling me now? She must have picked up on me feeling a bit irked by it last year so she's ramped it up this year. My DH is also annoyed on my behalf and at lunch today said something about Christmas not even being on our radar until December (which to be fair is true). She looked annoyed that he said this. Should I just suck this weird gift thing up forever more? I mean, it's just so random and I think I'd understand more if she bought me Halloween themed tat since that's the day before my birthday, but Christmas stuff? It makes even less sense.

andthat · 02/11/2024 21:28

AlisonDonut · 02/11/2024 18:31

Regift it back to her for Christmas and use the saved money to buy yourself something nice?

absolutely this!

Grmumpy · 02/11/2024 21:27

Boots advent calendar is a nice gift and not that early

Waspie · 02/11/2024 21:27

Doggymummar · 02/11/2024 18:28

Mine next week and I received an unwrapped present from boots which is an advent calendar. Odd for a pre December birthday I thought.

I must admit that I always give DP a Lego Star Wars advent calendar for his late November birthday. I buy non Christmas stuff too of course.

Original poster

HagsRule · 02/11/2024 21:26

Survivedtheex13 · 02/11/2024 21:17

If you liked the Boots advent calendar is there any way to steer her back to that as an annual thing or maybe the Marks & Spencer advent calendar?

I had to take the bull by the horns and say that I didn’t need any more anti wrinkle cream after getting it every year for birthdays and Christmas 😂. Enlist DH to suggest things you like to her for Christmas and be effusive in your thanks and hopefully the penny will drop.

Yeah, and in my last post I made on this thread (on the last page) I kind of came up with that as a solution since I did absolutely love and appreciate the Boots advent calendar at the time (and thanked her a lot at the time and was v grateful), so probably the best bet is to steer her towards that kind of thing from now on!

Getting more Christmas tea towels and Christmas plastic plates and such was just a bit hard to understand today. She actually joked I know you have Christmas tea towels already from me but here's more! Maybe she just genuinely just loves Christmas. Because I don't, it's just not really on my radar as much and I'm not even thinking about Christmas right now whatsoever. I only think about it about the 15th Dec when I need to start organising for the kids! 😄

Me and DH always make sure she gets her lovely molton brown and posh sweeties and her favourite things (which we check with her and ask what she'd like beforehand) for her birthday in march. I just don't know why this keeps happening. However I just know if I asked directly she would be v upset. So as above, I'm going to do a steer with help from DH for next time.

OP posts:

Needmorelego · 02/11/2024 21:26

@Candymay I see it as a family member doesn't actually care about you as a person if they just buy any old random stuff that they don't know if you will want it - or worse if they do know it's not your thing.
Families shouldn't treat each other like that. It's nasty and a bit bitchy to me.

Calliopespa · 02/11/2024 21:25

LookItsMeAgain · 02/11/2024 20:51

Having read that this is how she behaves when you try to put a stop to it, I'd actually send out a message to the entire family on your DH's side (but send it from his phone) saying something like this:
Family - we want to cut back on all of the excess that happens around Christmas and with that in mind in an effort to reduce waste we only want something from the following gift list for us and the kids (include a list of what you want here or say that you will email it to people). We do not see this as ruining Christmas but the level of excess from previous years really must come to an end. There is still a lot to choose from in that list so we trust you'll be able to find the perfect gift for the kids and for us.

or maybe something a little less wordy but still manages to get your point across now rather than in a few weeks time. If you put some charity gifts in your list, even better.

So what if she cries to her sister about you? It should be water off a ducks back at this stage because you know what she is like and how she goes on. You might even get a break from her and you can put your foot down about how she goes on.

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Families just love it when someone marries in and takes over with this sort of authoritarian approach. 🙄

Candymay · 02/11/2024 21:25

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 02/11/2024 21:23

It was tongue in cheek, mainly. Although tempting if I had a mil that I didn't particularly get on with.
Mine got me earrings one Christmas. My ears aren't done. She was mortified and took me to get a different present from the jewellers. I read threads like this and realise my good fortune.

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I’m missing the people who are joking because there are so many saying these things seriously.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 02/11/2024 21:23

Candymay · 02/11/2024 21:20

This seems like such a mad take on it though.
a paranoid perspective.
maybe I’m in the minority here but I cannot understand this attitude and spite coming from simply receiving gifts you don’t like

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It was tongue in cheek, mainly. Although tempting if I had a mil that I didn't particularly get on with.
Mine got me earrings one Christmas. My ears aren't done. She was mortified and took me to get a different present from the jewellers. I read threads like this and realise my good fortune.

Candymay · 02/11/2024 21:23

Needmorelego · 02/11/2024 21:17

@Candymay I really cannot believe you are 100% grateful for every single gift you receive.
If you're a vegetarian are you grateful for a box of steaks?
Allergic to nuts? Grateful for a crate of chocolate full of nuts?
Don't have a garden? Grateful for being gifted a wheelbarrow?
You're a Size 12 in clothes. Grateful for a size 24 t-shirt?
Really? Really......come on.....be honest 😂

Are any of those examples of gifts you’ve bought or received? Mad examples to make a point. The point fails

autumngirl714 · 02/11/2024 21:22

@Candymay no I agree with you.
Obviously it's really lovely to get nice, thoughtful gifts. And I've been ina. Situation where my ex husband's family wouldn't even buy me anything... so I get it. But surely as adults we can't be making comments on gifts people have bought us. I

Candymay · 02/11/2024 21:20

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 02/11/2024 21:13

She's done the whole Christmas themed thing this year to annoy you.
For her Christmas, get her an Easter egg. Or a valentine's themed gift. They'll be putting them out on Christmas eve in some shops...

This seems like such a mad take on it though.
a paranoid perspective.
maybe I’m in the minority here but I cannot understand this attitude and spite coming from simply receiving gifts you don’t like

Runnerinthenight · 02/11/2024 21:18

I'd just accept that she's always getting you shite gifts. Just don't have any expectations at all. My MIL's were always cheap tat - like she didn't know me at all. Worse, the kids' presents were always deeply unsuitable. TBF she knew them even less! I always knew before I opened it that I'd hate it. She went on a long haul, extended holiday once and bought me a tea towel. She must have realised she was treating me like shit because it was accompanied by a reduced-price bottle of wine from Tesco!!

My DM was the opposite. Plus she was hell for buying things and then never using them, so I used to ask her every year if she had anything that would do MIL. Invariably she had - and it was always nice stuff!!

Survivedtheex13 · 02/11/2024 21:17

If you liked the Boots advent calendar is there any way to steer her back to that as an annual thing or maybe the Marks & Spencer advent calendar?

I had to take the bull by the horns and say that I didn’t need any more anti wrinkle cream after getting it every year for birthdays and Christmas 😂. Enlist DH to suggest things you like to her for Christmas and be effusive in your thanks and hopefully the penny will drop.

Needmorelego · 02/11/2024 21:17

@Candymay I really cannot believe you are 100% grateful for every single gift you receive.
If you're a vegetarian are you grateful for a box of steaks?
Allergic to nuts? Grateful for a crate of chocolate full of nuts?
Don't have a garden? Grateful for being gifted a wheelbarrow?
You're a Size 12 in clothes. Grateful for a size 24 t-shirt?
Really? Really......come on.....be honest 😂

5128gap · 02/11/2024 21:17

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 02/11/2024 21:08

It’s an utter waste of time and money though.

A £20 gift might fetch a fiver, if they’re lucky, for a charity shop. I’d much prefer the £20 went to charity than be given tat for the sake of it.

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I get that. But unless you bite the bullet and go "gift free" that's the way it is.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 02/11/2024 21:16

HagsRule · 02/11/2024 18:25

Her birthday is mid march so perhaps st pat's stuff? 😁

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Everything Easter then.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 02/11/2024 21:13

She's done the whole Christmas themed thing this year to annoy you.
For her Christmas, get her an Easter egg. Or a valentine's themed gift. They'll be putting them out on Christmas eve in some shops...

Candymay · 02/11/2024 21:12

Otterington23 · 02/11/2024 21:11

@JLou08 noooo it’s a great idea! My birthday is 5th December and I love getting Christmas things as I can get full use out of them. Plus otherwise I’d have to buy my own, but I wouldn’t and would miss out on all the fun because I have a house to renovate 🤣

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Agree totally - don’t be put of by the ungracious.

MermaidMummy06 · 02/11/2024 21:11

My DM is an impulsive crap buyer. Hardened to it since I was a child. My DB is the same - runs area discount store Xmas eve & grabs rubbish. Last year he bought DD8 an adult level paint by numbers obviously grabbed from Aldi last minute. Nothing will change it, I'll be the bad guy if I say anything.

I just have low expectations, say thank you politely & move it on. Usually it goes into our charity box unless someone else wants it. I also buy with the effort given. Ironically I get thinly veiled disappointed looks if it's not a fabulous gift, & DM cries about DB's lack of effort!

Mostly we've gotten everyone to agree to no adult gift giving.

Otterington23 · 02/11/2024 21:11

JLou08 · 02/11/2024 21:05

I actually thought about a Christmas themed gift for one of my friends today. Her birthday is in a couple of weeks and I thought she could enjoy it in the run up to Christmas. After reading this I'm thinking it's probably not a good idea 😂

@JLou08 noooo it’s a great idea! My birthday is 5th December and I love getting Christmas things as I can get full use out of them. Plus otherwise I’d have to buy my own, but I wouldn’t and would miss out on all the fun because I have a house to renovate 🤣

Candymay · 02/11/2024 21:11

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 02/11/2024 21:04

We don’t do gifts (or Xmas) after the first Xmas when PIL gave me (20-something building a career in The City) a recipe teatowel.

I left it there, genuinely confused as to why on earth they thought I would want that.

When they called now-DH (we were a 4 hour drive away) to say I’d forgotten it, he suggested we don’t do gifts again. The rule holds over 20 years later.

Absolutely no idea why anyone would have been bowled over or grateful for that as a gift.

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Well no wonder you left it behind. A tea towel for someone 20 years building a career in the city? What were they thinking?

you missed out on your manners. You don’t need to be bowled over by a gift in order to accept it.

no wonder they don’t buy you anything now. I would be so unhappy to have you in my family

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 02/11/2024 21:09

LookItsMeAgain · 02/11/2024 21:05

If her birthday is around Easter, you don't give her St. Patrick's Day stuff (unless she or her family would be Irish or of Irish descent), you get her Valentine's Day stuff as her birthday present.

With a side of mince pies.

PlanningTowns · 02/11/2024 21:09

Could you wrap some of what she got you up and give it to her or BIL for Christmas then at her birthday buy Easter themed bits and make some big joke about it!!

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 02/11/2024 21:08

5128gap · 02/11/2024 21:06

People seem to have a surprisingly high bar for gifts. Apart from my partner, best friend and adult DC, I tend to accept that it's going to be 50/50 if I get something I really like. Most things I wouldn't choose are inoffensive and can be put to some use. Anything terrible can get donated. It wouldn't occur to me to make a big palaver out of telling them to buy better stuff. It doesn't matter really does it? It's only a token and tradition.

It’s an utter waste of time and money though.

A £20 gift might fetch a fiver, if they’re lucky, for a charity shop. I’d much prefer the £20 went to charity than be given tat for the sake of it.

WhatASadLittleLifeJayne · 02/11/2024 21:08

Candymay · 02/11/2024 20:59

But I really can’t understand this attitude. Why can’t a gift be a token? I don’t expect people to think deeply about what I enjoy in life and gift me things appropriately. The thought is in the act of giving a gift. Maybe I’m on my own here but if I buy something for someone it would suck all the joy out if I thought they were going to be so judgmental and maybe think I hadn’t done it correctly. It’s so mean spirited. And a token gift from someone who maybe doesn’t know you well can be so special. I’m appreciative and I’m not greedy. I’m a big gift giver though and I love Christmas themed joyful gifts

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Because why would I want a token gift that is of no use or pleasure to me? That’s you gift giving so you feel good. As you say in your post. ‘Suck all the joy out of giving a gift’.
I once got given, for my November birthday, a free gift from the summer bumper edition of a magazine (flip flops, eye mask, dried up mascara etc) from a magazine that had been out of print for about a decade at that point. And you’re saying I should be grateful??