Husband caught out - again!!

Yeah you got together with a smoker and expected that he would change. He hasn’t.

So OP Leaves her DP, he will still have regular contact with his son and he will still be a smoker.
A court would not stop a parent having contact because he vapes or smokes tobacco in his own time so the problem will not be solved. Except for ending the relationship with a the lying partner.

I think if it were just you and him, you’d need to let him be (or decide to leave if you hated it so much).

However, I find it sad that he doesn’t value the health of his child to pack this in. Wearing a jacket outside isn’t going to stop the smoke from clinging to your hands, face, hair etc.

If you found them in the car, has he has your son in the back while he’s smoked in the front?

Pretty poor from him. I’d make sure that at your son’s next asthma review you take your husband along and ensure the doctor knows he’s refusing to stop smoking.

I’m sure there’ll be people giving it “but quitting is haaaaard!”, but for me it doesn’t compare to needlessly endangering your child, who has no way in whether their little lungs are poisoned.

Do you always always tell
him the absolute truth about everything? Kindly aren’t people allowed to have any private life when they are part of a couple?

No they wouldn't.

Yeah, if this was the other way around people would be saying leave the controlling bastard. 😅

Sorry op I agree with a lot of other posters, you knew he smoked, you can't force him to quit. He's not doing it in the house, that would be horrible. It's unfortunate your son is asthmatic and I'm sure your husband isn't proud of his addiction, but as long as he keeps it away from your son then I'm not sure there's much else you can say 🤷‍♀️

Plus @MauveCritic it was entirely normal for people to smoke like that pre-90s for sure. Does not make them bad parents.

Yes it’s not great but assuming you’re over the age of 30ish surely you grew up around smoking everywhere? In shops, on transport, pubs, restaurants… I even remember we used to have to sit at the back of the aeroplane in the smokers area for my Nan! I survived, as did my siblings.

If he isnt smoking directly around your child I really don’t think you can make him do anything. He’s a grown man who can make his own choices. He’s only hiding it/lying because you’ve shown what happens if you knew.

You got with him knowing he was a smoker. You have two choices- accept or leave.

That poster was me. I mentioned that I would have been grateful if they had smoked outside as an asthmatic child. Both my parents are deceased (not from smoking). Was it necessary to call them 'supremely shit'?

I was replying to a poster who said that they’re asthmatic but have “survived” despite their parents smoking in the house with the windows shut. Yes that’s shit - not exactly parents of the year are they

Why do something deliberately to hasten it which also affects others

Have you ever watched someone die from a smoking related disease? That could have been avoided by not doing it in the first place

So you advocate for children, which is excellent, but you find it OK to call people's parents 'supremely shit'? If you want to be altruistic and come across as genuine, because you don't, at least keep some consistency in your blurb.

Newsflash! We all die. And smoking doesn't guarantee you'll die young, just as not smoking doesn't guarantee you'll live past 60. Of course smoking kills, but so do a lot of things we do every day.

Obviously the lying is crap but he'd be gone as he's putting his desire to smoke over the health of his child. Deal breaker for me.

I think YABU because this is what happens when you choose to be with a smoker.

Assuming he's not sitting there blowing it in his son's face seeing as OP has only 'caught' him out.

Doesn’t matter as the smoke is still on your clothes, breath and body.

Just because your parents were supremely shit first mean it’s ok to be just quite shit

It’s awful but OP chose to be in a relationship with a smoker.

You cannot choose to have a relationship and then a child with a smoker, and then get annoyed that they are smoking.

It is his decision and it was OPs decision to get into a relationship with him regardless of his smoker status.

Not just children, my FIL died prematurely from lung cancer due to smoking. MIL is conversely very healthy and will likely have at least 30 years without him by her side. They had planned to enjoy their retirement together.

So all the people saying "it's his decision." Maybe you don't care about your partner's (or yours, as a smoker's), health. But even if you don't, maybe care that you or someone else will go through that hell with them, slowly watching them die.

I would absolutely hate someone lying to my face but YABU because you don’t get to dictate whether a grown adult smokes or not.

You can absolutely say you don’t want it in the house etc but he can smoke if he wants to.

Perhaps he just had a weak moment and is dealing with it.
You nagging him about it is not going to make it any easier to quit because it makes it worse.

Anytime someone told me to stop smoking or turned their nose up at me for slipping up, it made me give up giving up and carry on smoking more.

The only way I quit, was by not telling anyone I was quitting because I knew I would have several slip ups along the way but that’s normal.

If he wants to smoke, he can! In a flat, all on his own, divorced.

Yeah, good point. I wouldn't have a relationship with a drinker. It's an instant deal breaker for me.