Husband caught out - again!!

OP - see if he will try hypnotherapy. It worked for my partner who was a heavy smoker

OP has said she didn't mind him smoking but it was the lying. I think you've been reasonable in that you didn't mind him smoking outside or on honeymoon when your son wasn't there. I think you have reasonably tolerated his habit and you have every right to say you don't want it near your son or near the house but saying can't you just leave it means you don't understand the addiction involved. I say this as an ex smoker so am fully aware of the addiction. I think he really wants to quit and is probably ashamed of it which is why he's lying. Many smokers, (this was myself included), hate the idea of being a smoker and will do it privately. If you're honest, you're not just angry about the lying, you're angry because you can't control his addiction.

Not sure why anyone thinks it's wholly his choice when it affects everyone he's around - it's a rank habit. Kissing cigarette breath, yellow fingers, getting into your fresh bed and smelling it on his pillow... urgh urgh urgh. I don't think it's healthy for little ones to even smell it on clothing, "thirdhand smoke".

Tbf I think vaping is equally grim, we just don't know about all the health risks yet...

You knew he smoked at the start. The lying isn't great but he has to stop on his own.

Giving someone the silent treatment is classed as domestic violence. You need to stop.

Don’t you post about this regularly? You catch him again and again, same discussion.
You choose to stay with a liar.

You are making it about you your inability to control him and rage/pique at being hoodwinked rather than acknowledging he is struggling with a FIERCE addiction. No one would spend £50+ a week killing themselves with cancer sticks if you could give up just like that.

Anger will only alienate him further and make him feel more justified in concealing the fact that he relapsed from you.

Breathe

You knew he smoked when you met and decided to have a relationship with him. He doesn't want to give up smoking, which is his choice to make, so with he lies about it or has to put up with the grief you give him.

Harsh. Casting first stone I fear. Have you never had a secret?

if he was overweight and addicted to sugar, would you react the same if you caught him eating behind your back after having declared he’s gone on a cleanse? Don’t mean to be rude but you sound very controlling OP

A lot of my ex partners and actually now I think of it friends have claimed to have stopped smoking but still have sneaky ones socially in social situations or periods of high stress.

if you can’t smell it and their not back on them them long term I can’t see the issue.

a guy could be doing a lot worse than having sneaky fags, belive me I’ve seen a lot!

I’m not sure you’ve understood fully, I never placed restrictions on the smoking. In fact I often secretly thought for gods sake just smoke, as the withdrawal was so hellish, but would never have said that as I knew how badly he wanted to stop.
It’s not controlling to ask that your husband doesn’t lie to you. The lying itself is controlling in a situation like this, as it takes away the partners informed consent about whether to stay in that situation or not.

Its understandable to want to know the truth, whether expecting that is controlling or reasonable depends on how you'd react if he told you the truth. OP has banned him from smoking then expects him to be honest. Maybe you were entirely opened and ok about him smoking. The problem can be if you react badly to the truth they decide its about the smoking, so it would have to be made very clear that they can chose to smoke and as long as certain boundaries are maintained, like not in the house and not around kids that's their choice as an adult. You can't ban another adult from doing something then expect them to believe you're only angry about the lies and not the behaviour.

Maybe not the best words as fire will definitely keep him smoking

So if he came to you and said I am going to continue smoking your answer would be calm, not angry and you wouldn't shout or yell or ignore him or demand he stops? You can't have it both ways, either he can chose to smoke in which case there's no need to lie or you stop lying to yourself and admit you're angry about the smoking and it is 'banned' as you've said. I don't think you're wrong to be angry about the smoking, but unless you're willing to give him a choice and calmly accept if he makes the choice to keep smoking then it's not about the lying.

A young relative did this and said it was great for strength training!

I had exactly the same situation with my DH for a few years, I sympathise. He lied to my face about it on several occasions. It was bad because when he had relapsed and then stopped again, the withdrawal symptoms gave him profound, Jekyll and Hyde level mood swings. He would go from lovely to cold, spiteful and with an extremely short fuse.
I didn’t really care whether he smoked or not (obviously I wanted him to succeed as he desperately wanted to give up), but in the meantime I just really needed to know whether he had relapsed or not, because either his arsehole behaviour had a reasonable explanation, or he was just being inexcusably nasty. By lying about his relapses he gaslit me badly, I felt like I was imagining the smell of smoke, marks on his lips etc and felt like i was going insane.
Some people didn’t understand this and called me controlling for wanting to know if he was smoking or not, like some posters are doing to you on this thread.

no smoking is allowed because it’s a risk to our son’s health
For clarity. I didn’t expect him to change. I didn’t mind him smoking outside. HE said he wanted to stop when I got pregnant. I did however put my foot down with my son’s asthma. My husband said it didn’t matter anyway because he wasn’t smoking anyway. I’m as confused as anyone given that HE spear headed this; not me

Smokers often want to stop or think they should stop and don't manage it. This is well known and shouldn't be confusing at all. You're the one saying he's not allowed to smoke and then getting angry he lies. Personally I can't stand smoking and it would be a deal breaker for me, but then I'd never have dated a smoker. He is behaving like an addict about an addictive substance, expecting him to stop because you tell him he's not allowed to smoke is unrealistic.

You have some choices, but only some of them are in your control. Continue how you are and he'll probably continue lying and you'll continue to catch him out and get angry and this will go on happening until he quits or until you resent him so much and your relationship is so fractured you break up. You stop with the you're not allowed to smoke thing and leave it to him to decide as an adult and don't get angry he's smoking as long as it isn't around DS and maybe he will at some stage decide to quit or maybe he won't. Leave.

You could talk to him and ask him to seek help to quit, starting with seeing his GP. You would need to accept this may take a while and multiple attempts and some smoking even if he wants to quit. His behaviour isn't in your control though and trying to make an addict quit when they don't want to is pointless. You can control your actions, not his, you can set boundaries but its in terms of how you react to the behaviour, not what he does. So if smoking is a deal breaker you won't be in a relationship if he continues to smoke.

12yrs a vaper? That's a long time... I feel it's very likely you & I have come across one another elsewhere..

OP - you made him ashamed of something, unfortunately that does the opposite of what we all think it will do. He wants to smoke, he enjoys it. The best thing you can do is wholeheartedly support the switch to vaping with the understanding he can't do it around your son (it just isn't worth the risk). Back him up, make him feel good about changing his behaviour, not ashamed.

You didn't force him to lie OP, no matter what some people on here would have you believe. It's victim blaming at it's finest. A proper grown up doesn't handle a situation like this by lying to you and going behind your back. He's not even 'only' lying by omission he's lying straight to your face. He's not a 5 year old child.

Now you know he has no problem lying straight to your face and smoking despite your child being asthmatic where does that leave your relationship?

I was in your position OP - I’m not sure which I hated most, the smoking or the lying. It was one of the reasons for our divorce. It wasn’t the only reason, but it was part of it.

Op your entitled to your own boundaries and expectations within the relationship. No you can't force him to quit. That decision has to come from him. But you can state your own boundaries and consequences to him.
For example if you lie to me I'm going to need to seek safety and distance from you. That will look like you sleeping somewhere else for x amount of time.

Or my expectation of this relationship was that you wanted to quit unless you are actively pursuing help to quit I no longer wish to be in this relationship with you.

Unfortunately it is a serious addiction, although many people see it as more of an "acceptable" addiction. Unless he wants to quit and wants to do the work to understand himself on a deeper level and what triggers him. Him quitting cold turkey can have other negative side affects. There is also the possibility of cross addiction.

You are very valid in not wanting this in your life. It doesn't make sense to choose smoking over your partner and child but that is addiction. The brain reorganises our basic survival needs, in this case putting smoking above all else.

I watched a programme about the nhs, health visitors, and asthma.

It said that cigarette particles stay on the clothes for something like 11 or 13 hours. I can't remember exactly but it was roughly a full day. Shocking. I had no idea. I didn't think they'd stay at all when smoking in a breeze outside!

Then if the smoker say picks up and cuddles a baby or child in the same clothes, even though they smoked outside before they came inside to cuddle, the baby/child will have their face on the microscopic cigarette particles in the clothing and breathe them in. Without anyone knowing.

So the programme basically says although smoking outside is better than inside, if you want to give asthmatic kids the best chance don't do it at all.

I don't know if showering and changing clothing would be an option but it could be? ie do what you want during the day when our working but leave your dirty clothes in the wash basket/jacket in the van and go shower before cuddling your children.

If my kids health was at risk I'd want him to see that tv programme but I don't remember what it was called sorry.

He said he was vaping because he knew how you'd react.