Want to move back to UK

I don't know how to edit on this thing and reading back my post, it sounded quite negative so I'll just add this:

I've been here a long time now and there's been quite a few occasions when I've gone through tough patches and been surprised by how helpful people here have been and that I was actually very well liked. Eccentric, wears odd clothes but well liked. This is going to sound very trite and twee but one thing that got my foot in the door was having a dog.

The dog was even more eccentric than me and everybody liked 'le p'tit chien.' Poor thing's been dead for a decade but people still ask after her.

I kind of knew that you were going to say France. I've lived very rurally in France too and there's nowhere quite like it.

It sounds like you at least live in your own quite independent house so you hopefully haven't made the same terrible mistakes that I did with doormats, shutters and flower pots that I did in the eyes of the neighbours in my flat.

Oh and the paperwork! The CPAM, Ameli, the CAF, les impots, the this, the that.

Like somebody else wrote, family and frienship networks seem to be established practically since childhood and not very open. Also, despite you being married, if your DH is away a lot and you are dealing with tradesmen etc by yourself, let's just say that rural France is very 'traditional.' I'm not saying that they're going to rip you off but I certainly don't enjoy dealing with them. Even professional men like doctors can be quite misogynistic.

Going off topic a tiny bit but apparently 'Les Viols de Mazan' was 'The crime that shocked the whole of France' but hey, I wasn't shocked. There's a darkness in some of these places.

Only you can decide, with your family, what to do but again, like others have said, your children are at ages where their interests are changing fast and the situation may develop as they get older sort of its own accord.

I haven't any real advice but you will be accepted eventually - actually I think you already have been accepted - but you will always be a bit apart. Everybody here calls me by my first name (pronounced a bit off but nevermind) l'anglaise. Always with the qualifying 'l'anglaise.'

Not as bad as a girl called Aoife. 'Whiff l'irlandaise.'

I think this depends a lot on the country.

There are places in Europe where you can ride a moped / scooter at 14 or 15 years old which means kids can be fairly independent.

Yep, depending where you are, it might be absolutely beautiful, but still very boring.

I think you should move back. You are entitled to happiness too. Children are resilient and will be happy as long as they are with the family. We moved a lot over the years. Different countries and continents. Sometimes for only one year. The children survived perfectly well. They also did a lot of secondary schooling in France and it was tough. Long school days and a lot of work. Always the threat of repeating the year if they didn’t pass. They said to me once that people had more fun in England. I was the one who suffered mostly. The kids made friends easily and my husband travelled a lot. You have had a good three years abroad but maybe time to think of yourself now.

I regret moving back to the UK. London has always been crime-ridden but it's off the scale now.

OP, I can understand how isolating it feels. It took me eight years to make friends in my French village, and even then it was through my husband. I‘m only there part of the time though, so not really the same.

You say “But now I’m worried if we stay they will get qualifications here and we will end up living in different countries in the future.” That may happen, but it could happen even if you lived in London. It’s their lives and not something you can control.

Why the big move of countries? Can't you just move somewhere less rural so there is more going on without uprooting children ?

I left the uk a number of years ago but each time i return i realise a little bit more about why I left. Dont be in a big rush. But try moving within that country. Education systems are different and its a big upheaval for children

Salut @TooMuchCaffeineNotEnoughSpice I’m in rural France too, moved here from Liverpool nearly 20 years ago and no, it’s not always easy! My situation is different because my DC were born in France, and there was never really any question about ExH living in the UK so I always knew I couldn’t go back.

Do you have any cities nearby or are you really, properly rural?

One thing I’ve found is that it can take a very long time for people to move from acquaintances to friends, like a couple of years if not longer. Also, where I live people tend to have known each other since school, and their parents knew each other at school too if not their grandparents! So basically it’s like one big extended family and I think on some level I’ll always be an outsider no matter how many friends I make. DD has just moved to a big city for uni and it’s like night and day.

Anyway I could probably keep wittering on about this topic for the next couple of hours so I’ll just stop there!

You’ve only moved your kids once, so you’re talking about potentially a second move. That’s not loads. I moved internationally 4 times as child, yes it did have an impact, but more now that I don’t have strong networks of people I knew as a child.

I think you should be considering moving. If this was a relationship you were miserable in everyone would be saying you must not stay for the kids!

This is the age to move, educationally it’ll be harder in a couple of years. If you stay, it’s a long time until your kids will be independent enough for you to leave.

Due to the rest of the family liking it so much, it would be unfair to uproot the family due to your needs alone. It’s unfortunate that you don’t like it, but how would you ultimately feel if you brought everyone back here and they all hated it? I think possibly the children might get to a stage in their mid teens where they want something more, but if I was you I’d give it a bit more time. A friend of mine moved to Australia 20 years ago with her family. Absolutely hated it for the first 5 years. Then absolutely grew to love it. It sometimes takes longer for some people to feel happy in new surroundings. In your situation I’d give it more time.

is rural France as bad as rural Luxembourg/ Belgium?

If so, I know how you feel 😭

Personally, I would move back like a shot based on what you described. Before it’s too late. It’s your life too.

Sounds like your DH just dips his toe into the nice bits as he’s traveling so much (dynamic and engaging for him) rather than experiencing the slog you are.

Majority of kids cope fine with multiple moves. It makes them resilient. Eg forces kids, kids whose parents do foreign postings with their companies. And you’re not even planning multiple moves, just two in their lifetime (if you go back).

I recommend doing scenario planning, OP. What happens to you if your life is still like this ten years from now. Divorce? Depression?

Also rural France for teenagers or elderly people may not be much fun. I have a (French) friend who says “darling, all the living is in the city. People go to the countryside to sleep and then die”. She’s quite glam though, and her husband is boring! So they have a city pad and a country house and thus marital harmony.

i’d suck it up if the kids are happy. I have for years and i’m desperate to move back to the part of the UK I grew up in but have had to wait until my youngest finishes A levels, less than 2yrs now. I do like living here, but can’t afford to buy until I move back so it’s very frustrating. But my kids are happy here and I have to prioritise them.

One of my friends has moved pretty rurally in Europe (and speaks the language) after living in a suburban bit of London and working in Central. Before that she grew up in the burbs of a nice county town. She struggles, husband2 (barely speaks the language, welcomes isolation) loves it. He's agreed they can stay in the wider area but move to the burbs/edge of the burbs of the nearest city as there's more stuff on the door step for her to do. Still not too far from their original home as he has an area centric hobby as well. Would a similar compromise move be an option for you OP?

Friend is independent just fed up of everything being a trek and the really small pool of potential friends.

Yes, you suck it up. Or, rather, keep trying to make friends and widen your horizon. You don’t uproot everyone and move them home because you’ve not settled and you feel left out.

You’d be in much tougher position if the person who hadn’t settled was one of the kids. It’s you; and you’ve got options. A different type of part time job that gets you more involved with people. Hobbies less about exercise - which is intrinsically something quite personal and lots of people just want to focus on the exercise and get out of the way - and more about community.

You're giving them incredible opportunities being abroad. You made the call to go. Now you see it through and settle in. You CAN have a life where you are; you just haven’t built one yet. There’s no guarantee you or they would walk back into one here, either; and they have much better chances and prospects for uni in the EU.

Right, it sounds tough being a single parent most of the time, but I don't suppose there's anyway round that. Do you meet anyone interesting through work?
I'm smiling at your veggie daughter not being accommodated - that really wouldn't be the case in the UK,! Anyway, I can see how that would limit your ability to work.

Myself and my family left the uk 4 years ago, I've had moments when I've missed it but I was unhappy in the UK and we would have never got on the property ladder over there. Is it village life you don't like? Maybe you could move to a town in the country you are living in now?
Personally I love sleepy villages. We are only a few km's from the nearest town though. Our nearest big city is an hour and a half away but has shopping mall's and cinema with showings in English.
I think you would be unreasonable to uproot everyone else if they are happy. Maybe in time you will grow to like it?

Living in rural France isn't easy. I think your hobbies are just personal exercise, which is fine, but not necessarily activities that allow you to engage with others and form bonds, if that makes sense? Is there any possibility of a job, or volunteer work? I wonder if you need something a bit more mentally stimulating?
Just a thought.

A compromise would be a move within the country you are in. Perhaps DC’s will see this as an opportunity for them too, giving them a broader access to their interests and experiences.

I wouldn't return to the UK.

I'm sorry it's been hard for you, I do think it's unreasonable to move your children if they are happy though. Just as someone who moved a lot as a child, I found it very unsettling and I wouldn't do it to my own children unless it would definitely benefit them or was absolutely necessary. It definitely sounds like you need more support and friendship though, it's really hard when you don't feel happy where you live

I think that's a good point about London, it's so vibrant, so busy and so diverse.. moving anywhere rural is a transition, and of course you're in a different country. It would take adjustment anyway.