For getting rid of my chinese name

I think its totally your choice but I urge you not to conflate you feelings about your family, and how you have experienced you ethnicity being used as a stick to beat you with. with your heritage in a more general sense. Is there nothing you like about your heritage?

It's your choice OP and I don't think you're being unreasonable. However, I think you should be aware of the possibility that your DC may feel differently (or even that you may change your opinion in the future) and remain open minded about your culture and background. Maybe think of this as a pause rather than a permanent decision.

Would you say the same thing to a white woman who wanted to do the same thing with Chinese names, kids, dh for the same reason? If so, fair enough. If not, why not?

In a sense I think the OP could ask herself what she would do if she were the child of two British parents who had also been treated badly as a child. For instance, children of very violent parents or whose parent has a violent partner sometimes have to be give new identities. Of course the multicultural aspect comes into the decision but perhaps it is not the only way to look at it.

YANBU. It's your name and you can call yourself whatever you want. If you don't wish to have a Chinese name, or to give your DC one, you can do as you wish.

I wouldn’t deny my children access to part of their heritage because my relationship with my parents made me feel negative about my culture of origin. I think names are less important than speaking the language with children, though. In your shoes I would bring the children up bilingual.

For that and another reason. A western name/western things is/are seen as 'better'.

YANBU

Embrace the aspects of your culture that work for you. You don't have to own anything that doesn't work for you because of tradition.

Being bilingual is a huge advantage though. If your kids have the opportunity of being bilingual I would do what I could to make that happen.

Just be prepared, as others have said, genes can be funny things. I have a relative in whose marriage one spouse is British, the other 100% Indian. One child looks 100% British and the other 100% Indian. They’re both absolutely beautiful

Half the Chinese people I have known, adopted Western first name. I have never thought anything of it.

Having had an unusual maiden name, which nobody could ever pronounce or spell correctly, I was only too happy to take DH’s common English surname and say goodbye forever to having to spell my name everywhere I went. I assumed the Chinese people I knew, adopted a Western first name for the same reason?

I would keep your name
We have some v sad events in the family in the past which I haven’t told DCs. But they do know about family fighting in II world war, where in the country previous generations lived etc etc and are proud/interested in it.
im sure there is much in your family’s past which is interesting, concentrate on that.

I have a foreign surname, as my grandparents came aftwr ww2, i enjoyed both parts of my heritage growing up but i always thought growing up I would like to change it but on marrying I have kept my name as I now love it and don't care that it is different.

Can you imagine a white person saying this. Therapy would be advised as it's not a healthy reaction. It's usually an excuse to justify, from experience.

I can't really comment about right/wrong as I have no personal experience of this but I have three friends who were born in China and they have lovely Chinese names. They are all married to British men and all their children have both English and Chinese names.

Something that might be missing here is that there is a cultural difference.
For British people being British is about how you feel, and anyone can become British if they come here and live amongst the melting pot (unless you ask people on the far right)

In China it's more a question of combining genetics, loyalty, and everything else. It's not so much self defined, it's more a question of fact.
If you're born Chinese then you are always Chinese, if you are not born Chinese then you can never be Chinese. So if the OP is trying to hold their British identity primarily then that could cause tension with her parents.

In our case we went for one family name as their family name, and the other as a middle name. Neither of us changed our names on marriage. Then we have a bit of everything in there,!

Whatever you decide, try to let your children know about their other culture. It's common for culture to be hidden from children and it's not usually something that benefits the children.

Call yourself what you like - you are not the first nor will you be the last to change their name.

But JUST changing your name will not change who you are or who your family are. It also won’t impact what your children will look like, or the questions they will ask about their family history.

I really really hate the go to of many of this board for any slight issue to go straight to counselling, but in this instance I think I would suggest it. Come to terms with who you are, rather than trying to hide behind a different name.

A close friend of mine who lives in USA has 2 adopted Korean DDs. They grew up listening to Korean nursery rhymes and eating the odd bit of Korean food and were taken to South Korea once but they were never taught the language properly. Now they’re both young women in their 20s and I can’t help thinking my friend should’ve helped at least with the language side. But that was her and her DH’s decision to make.

They might. DDs best friend is half Korean, half Welsh. You would have no idea to look at her that her mother is Welsh. And that's not just from a Welsh person's perspective,she gets a lot of similar comments when she goes back to Korea for visits.

I find all these responses really intense - why on earth does the OP “need” to recognise her Chinese heritage in her name and her children’s names? the OP can name her children however she pleases. She doesn’t have a particular duty of care to her Chinese heritage. She is well within her rights to determine her own identity as an adult, and to raise her children in the culture she prefers. If this is part of her healing from an oppressive childhood, so much the better.It is a statement to her family that she will not allow herself to continue to be bullied as an adult with her own family. It is great that she will not repeat the pattern or allow her children to go through what she went through.

If her children wish to explore their Chinese family heritage then that will not be a difficult thing to do, and I doubt the OP will prevent them. If the OP doesn’t want to raise them in a bilingual home of course she doesn’t have to. If the kids wish to adopt a Chinese name when they reach adulthood they will be free to do so.

They may not but they may too. Nature can be really funny and I find that those who think this way often end up with kids who look the opposite of how they'd hope their kids would look. Hopefully you prepare yourself that either way, it wouldn't matter to you if they look more white or more Asian.

This is just ringing alarm bells for me but as I said, it's your life.

I don't know how a typical Asian, or part-Asian, child thinks, but in my very personal British experience, the more you try to force a child down a route, the more they are likely to rebel.

It's very likely at some point they will want to explore their heritage and this is probably better done with your input than without.

So I would say British first name, Asian second name and talk about it to them. Explain why you don't live there anymore, what were the good aspects of the culture and what were the bad.

My DS was adopted and eventually he wanted to meet his birth family. It hasn't been plain sailing and I think part of him wishes he had not opened this can of worms. But as we had always been open and honest and talked about the whys and wherefores of his adoption and the family dynamics at the time of his adoption etc., he has talked to me about how he feels etc. On the surface, it's not comparable to your situation, but there are parallels.

Don't inadvertently make yourself unapproachable in the future if your kids want to find out more.

I can understand you wanting to give your children English names if the Chinese heritage has negative connotations for you. However, your children may value their heritage.

Would you consider using an English first name and Chinese middle name as a nod to their heritage?

It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, including your parents and family. Only you know how your childhood and parents bullying has affected you, and what you need to do to help yourself recover. If that means changing names and stopping contact then that’s fine.

i would consider keeping some Chinese traditions that you like and having conversations with your kids on that side of your heritage, and then be led by them on how much of that side of their heritage they wish to find out about

Family friends of ours, Japanese woman married a British (partly Cypriot) man with a traditional British surname. Their 4 sons are called a mixture of Japanese and Cypriot/Greek and look a bit like Anthony Quinn.

They were taught Japanese by their DM and she taught them Japanese culture too, as well as them learning British and Cypriot culture and bits of Greek.

I can’t see what’s wrong with you teaching your DC the language, keeping part of the names Chinese and following what you’d like to follow of the culture. It is part of their heritage.